PR Damage Control 101: How to Come off Contrite

Ian Gurvitz, 12.18.2009

Writer

"I plan to use this time for introspection and to learn to control my GREED/DRINKING/RAGE/ANGER/ANTI-SEMITISM/INSATIABLE SEXUAL APPETITES" (Circle the relevant details).

Costco Protects Palin From Tomatoes by Taking Them Off Shelves

Elayne Boosler, 12.17.2009

Writer/comedian

I'm forming the National Tomato Association. And if tomatoes are sold as unregulated as guns are, soon they'll be killing more people than guns.

Dr. Politics Answers Letters from Connecticut Joe, Mischievous Mitch, and Harried Harry

Rick Horowitz, 12.18.2009

Satirist and syndicated columnist

Dear Dr. Politics: I'm hoping you can help me with a problem. I'm a member of a small but important government organization located on Capitol Hill. (Hint: It has 100 members, two from each state.)

101 Reasons why Men Cheat (Tiger Woods Edition)

Mark Morford, 12.16.2009

Columnist, SFGate and San Francico Chronicle, yoga teacher, admirer of trees

Man is a rock star/golfer/politician/televangelist and women -- or gay prostitutes -- are knocking on his hotel-room door day and night, and the penis is like, are you going to answer that?...

The Smoke's On Me

Jerry Zezima, 12.16.2009

Humor columnist for The Stamford Advocate in Connecticut

I like a good cigar once in a while. And I have had none better than the one I smoked recently. That's because I rolled it myself.

I Slept With Tiger Woods

Andy Ostroy, 12.19.2009

New York City-based political analyst

Let's set the record straight on something: these tabloid bimbos are not the real secret in Tiger's closet.

Lieberman to Filibuster with GOP if Democrats Propose Subway or Panda Express for Senate Lunch

Ben Berkon, 12.17.2009

Comedy Writer/Blogger, SomethingYouShouldRead.com

Lieberman claimed that the Democrats knew he wanted Dominos, and that he even relented last week when they forced him to order from Wendys.

WATCH: What Tiger Can Teach Us About Health Care

Lee Camp, 12.17.2009

satirista, LeeCamp.net

Introducing: The Lightning Bug

Dave Heller, 12.17.2009

Everyone who knew Gerald Stoltzfoos, a limited (pathetically so, really) network of neighbors, classmates, and co-workers, all agreed that he was a man destined for great things.

Corrected: TIME's Person of the Year

Tom Gregory, 12.17.2009

Actor, radio personality, and Tony nominated producer

A New Tale for Hanukkah: The Legend Continues

Robert J. Elisberg, 12.17.2009

Columnist and screenwriter

Several years back, a mixed group of writer friends was discussing religion, when someone whimsically bemoaned that Christmas got all the good colors, while Hanukkah was pretty much stuck with blue and white.

The Hottest Date I've Ever Had

Mark C. Miller, 12.15.2009

Humorist

The weekend had arrived, romance was in the air, and after a hard several days at work, I was so in the mood for love. I was looking good, feeling good and had a wallet filled with cash.