We're going to make America white again. It will be fantastic. It will be super-super-classy. Like my hotels. I build the best hotels in the world.
Kids are gross. They are precious gifts who bring a joy you never knew existed, but they are disgusting. Have you seen children brush their teeth? It basically entails making faces in the mirror while they lick bubble gum-flavored toothpaste off a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle toothbrush.
When you stumbled up to me, I was in the middle of a sale. An audience member had enjoyed my silly so much that he felt the need to give me cash in exchange for a souvenir. I love it when that happens, as it helps me provide for my family. You know: pay the mortgage, buy food, that sort of thing.
The American Diabetes Society released a study showing a direct link between listening to Barry Manilow songs and diabetes. The study's findings should cause alarm for those over-exposed to the sugary sounds of Manilow.
Last week, our most legitimate news sources reported (and analyzed) a major news story; Donald Trump released a list of potential Supreme Court nominees. Meanwhile, these same news organizations are completely ignoring the fact that the actual President of the United States has already nominated a judge for the Supreme Court.
In the early 1990s I had a great job and a great house and I was living large. The part I'm glossing over is the fact that it was my parent's house, and they paid all my bills. Yes, I loved the 90s.
I think being in your late-40's makes you a badass. Why? Cuz you've gotten over some stuff, you've let go of some stuff, and you've learned some stuff. You know what your politics are. You know how to demand a raise without getting defensive. You know you might not ever get a better time on your half marathon. .. but you also don't really care.
@HashtagManiacs decided to challenge the world to share their bad idea using only 5 words. Thus the hashtag #BadIdeaIn5Words was born!
As the Democratic establishment continues to deny favoring either candidate, secret plans reveal Democratic National Committee members preparing to switch the location of the upcoming Democratic convention from Philadelphia to Hillary Clinton's mansion in Chappaqua, New York.