In political news, former Vice President Dick Cheney has made yet another public outcry against President Obama, claiming Obama's recent haircut is a sign of "letting the terrorists win." While all Presidents in history have received haircuts -- even in times of unrest -- Cheney was adamant about distinguishing Obama's...

Evan Berry and Waffle Moorer sat down recently to tell me the true tale of a love triangle entirely conducted through a video game. Turns out some urban legends aren't nearly as weird as what's...

A new study reports that women "who live with a mate put on more pounds than those who live without one." It's a disturbing discovery. But Sophie, are there ways to prevent this disaster? Of course there are--it's the whole point of this article. Now get out of my...

Anyone who has ever been caught with his pants down knows it's easier to look up to Jesus than it is to squat down into a lotus position. So Brit Hume, Fox News commentator and moonlighting theologian, is urging the troubled Tiger Woods to mend his skirt-chasing and om-chanting ways...

Okay, I'm gonna level with you - I spent this past New Year's Eve alone.

And it was all my fault because I had to go and get into a fight. And I'm a peace-loving, calm, rational guy. Fortunately, I was the only...

My head is spinning from the announcement of Bristol Palin's new public relations firm that has launched called BSMP LLC. Since you asked, that stands for Bristol Sharon Marie Palin...

I recently received this love note in my inbox:

Hello,
My name is suzy, In search of a man who understand the meaning of love as Trust and faith in each other rather than one who sees love as the only way of fun, but a matured Man with...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Officials at the Department of Homeland Security confirmed today that al-Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden has faxed what appears to be a connect-the-dots picture directly to department headquarters.

High-ranking members of the department, including Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano, immediately held emergency meetings to plan...

Now that the horror of "distracted driving" has been brought thoroughly to light, the subject of much public handwringing, a flurry of state legislation, and a 347-part series in the Times, it is time to turn our collective attention to a related and equally heinous societal scourge: distracted...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Amid growing frustration with the state of airport security in the U.S., the Federal government today transferred all responsibility for screening passengers from the TSA to TMZ, the popular celebrity gossip website.

Effective immediately, TSA personnel will be replaced at the nation's airports by camera-wielding...

We just couldn't get away from Sarah Palin this past year. After the launch of her book (which, thanks to the Tea Party people, became a bestseller), we were forced to endure all Sarah Palin all the time on her media tour. The more I saw her on Oprah and...

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. Christmas Day. The Crotch Bomber. Fruit of the Boom. It was in all the papers. Airline terrorists certainly pose a significant risk and have again captured our attention and justifiably so. Authorities are more vigilant than ever to screen, search and perhaps profile airline passengers for the...

HONOLULU (Borowitz Report) - President Barack Obama was briefly detained and searched before boarding Air Force One yesterday in an incident that some critics are saying smacks of profiling.

With tensions over air travel in the U.S. spiking to new heights, the five-minute pat-down of the President of the United...

What is the origin of life? How did we come to be here?

Public schools teach that the answer is evolution.

But evolution is not a fact. It is only a theory, and a weak one at that. Darwin's so-called theory cannot explain nipples on men; it cannot explain the...

Editor's Note: This post is a work of satire. All attributed quotes are fictional.

Last week, news headlines trumpeted, "Disney World Employee Arrested on Porn Charges." Republicans in Congress immediately called for investigation of Disney World.

"Disney World has been undermining the American entertainment process, and this...

CRAWFORD, TX (The Borowitz Report) - The decade just past was "an awesome one in just about every way" and will be hard to top, according to former President George W. Bush.

In a new interview with the former president, Mr. Bush reflected on the highlights of what he believes...

(Reuterz - New York)
A Goldman Sachs spokesperson has confirmed that its new headquarters will reach "full operational status" in 2010. Constructed adjacent to the site of the former Twin Towers, the structure is "within range" of all of the firm's nearest competitors.

The most...

Inside Scoop got this peek at Tiger Woods' New Year's resolutions:

1. I will get sponsors for my new activity - doing my wife's laundry. I think Tide and Clorox would be great for this.
2. I will invest in a wardrobe with high-quality YKK...

New Year's Eve is one of America's greatest traditions. And, as is true of all great American traditions, New Year's Eve brings with it a new set of scary rumors each year. Will the world come to an end? Will all the dogs start talking and turn out to be...