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01:45 AM on 04/09/2012
So, did you purge the Pirate's Booty? I'm guessing John is your first husband? .... My ex used to bug me about a few extra pounds (the 'newleywed 15' and I'm 4 inches taller than you), then he got thyroid cancer (after we divorced) and now can't control his weight. ... trust me, it is NEVER about the weight!
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Artistbarb
09:34 PM on 04/09/2012
I agree, F&F!
02:28 AM on 04/10/2012
Just noticed -- this article is now in the 'divorce' section;)
12:41 AM on 04/09/2012
It took having my own baby to finally understand why women gain so much weight during and after pregnancy. Being pregnant takes a huge toll on your body. You are sick, hungry and tired most of the time. Then you give birth, bring home your bundle of joy and life as you've always known it ceases to exist. Your ability to sleep and rest is ruined and you are constantly in the kitchen making bottles because newborns eat a lot. And if you're nursing your baby, you are constantly hungry and either sitting or laying down while feeding your baby every hour. All of these things are very counter productive to weight loss. And once your baby is a little older, he or she plus the weight of the car seat is too much to handle alone. Young babies need to be able to sleep so bringing the car seat into the store, etc. is a must. Well, if you don't have the energy to pack the diaper bag, put the baby in the car, take everything out of the car once you get to your destination and then lug everything around with you while there, you'll probably end up just staying home, watching TV and being depressed because your thoughtless husband thinks your fat and wants a divorce. If so tell him, yeah, sure and say I feel 250 lbs. lighter already.
09:56 AM on 04/09/2012
Yeah, if the hubs is thoughtless, then he can't to anything but expect that to happen. He's GOT to play an equal part and take care of the baby at times so you can sleep so you feel energized to take walks, etc. Just because he works 40 hours a week doesn't mean you're not working 24 hours a day.
11:52 PM on 04/08/2012
I guess she has talked herself into finding this either a) reasonable, or b) kinda sorta funny, but I just find it sad. The best case scenario here is that the husband is just immature and said something off the top of his head. If that's really how he feels, WOW. People deal with a LOT more difficult things in a marriage than weight gain.
02:06 AM on 04/09/2012
He is not immature. He basically told her that he can emotionally blackmail her any time he likes and she affirmed him that it will work just fine.
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Willie12345
12:01 PM on 04/09/2012
Dr Who ?
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Artistbarb
09:36 PM on 04/09/2012
I agree, I feel like she talked herself into accepting it.
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dvm
There is no them. It's only us.
11:45 PM on 04/08/2012
I notice there is no mention of any such restrictions on how much weight he could gain. Or any restriction on himself whatsoever.

Only someone truly superficial and utterly thoughtless would ever have the gall to say something like that. Truly, what about really big problems? What if one of the kids is born with severe illness? Or something else equally serious? You really want to place your life and your trust in a man who thinks that weight gain is the biggest factor in whether or not he will deign to stay married to you?

I would divorce this thoughtless jerk now before there are any kids to need therapy and get a man who realizes the person you choose to spend your life with and perhaps have children with is more than a damn number.

Being this thoughless and this superficial is the real dealbreaker and a much worse flaw than any weight gain.

Run fast. Run fast and run far.
06:21 AM on 04/09/2012
Her deal breaker is cheating, (second paragraph from the bottom, third sentence from the end of that paragraph).

I would agree that his superficiality about weight is troubling, however, living with the person you love does tend to change those deal-breaking ideals you had when you met, and dated, that person. There are many ways that someone shows their devotion to you, (like caring for you during illness), that for me, mitigates the irritation that I feel when he prefers to golf rather than spend time at home with me, or watches sports ALL DAY.....just sayin.
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Rachel Snowling
I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly!
11:09 PM on 04/08/2012
I've honestly never been in love so I probably have no right to comment on the issue, but I thought it was about loving the other person for who they are on the inside, rather than what they look like on the outside? I know that attraction is a part of it, but isn't that what gets you together in the first place, the physical attraction, then you get to know each other and find out if your compatible?
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11:05 PM on 04/08/2012
Let me guess, their vows still included, "for better or worse".

Why bother getting married at all!!!!

He could have (should have) said something more along the lines of --

I love you too much to lose you too soon the heart disease or..... so let's both watch our weight.

He's likely still be a jerk but would sound less like one.
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Vicki Larson
Journalist, mother, thinker
10:26 PM on 04/08/2012
People tend to put on the pounds in relationships, as I wrote about on Huff Po a while back, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/get-fat-and-youre-out-of-_b_825513.html. But a few pounds is different than 20, 30-plus. It's not OK. If your spouse became anorexic or bulimic, would that be OK? No, of course not; you'd say something to him/her and offer support and get help. So, what's the big deal about weight gain? It's just as unhealthy and dangerous. Why can't people say, no, I don't want you to get fat because I care too much about you and don't want to lose you to all the obesity-related diseases? Put down the Pirate Booty ;-)
10:31 AM on 04/09/2012
I usually agree w/ you wholeheartedly, but this doesnt sit well with me. Using divorce as a hammer is never the right thing to do or threaten, even in a jesting manner. I would feel like a jacka## even thinking it. Its one thing to be concerned about a loved ones weight and health, its another to put it in "contract" form, LOL (if indeed you are referring to the guy who said he would divorce her...I admit I only skimmed the article).
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Artistbarb
09:44 PM on 04/09/2012
When men tell their wives they would divorce them if they got big, it is NOT about concern for her health!!!
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pennywhite
09:56 PM on 04/08/2012
You know you're in a bad marriage when people read about it and pity you. Was this article a cry for help?
Find yourself a good therapist - and do not have children with this man.
01:33 AM on 04/09/2012
i agree. love isn't a body type. and if it is, it's sad that it's as shallow as that.
10:00 AM on 04/09/2012
But body type can signal an unhealthy mental state.

For example, if a woman has small breasts, it doenst mean she's unhealthy and any guy who wants her to get implants is a huge ____

But in general, a person who is significantly overweight (PBN) has little self love, little respect for their spouse's desires, too much stress (which spouse HAS to help allieve before they start complaining), and/or poor health. Not good.
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10:46 AM on 04/09/2012
Love also isn't taking your spouse for granted by letting yourself go, getting preventable diseases, and then DEMANDING that your spouse take care of you once you're old before your time, fat, and sick. THAT is the ultimate disrespect....refusing to care for yourself and not giving your spouse the life THEY deserve because you were too selfish to put the cheesecake down.
08:38 PM on 04/08/2012
The man is way too shallow and wrong.She seems to be in best shape of her life.This woman should rethink about her husband mentality. Does it mean she will divorce a husband because his hair is thinning or his hair is graying.I hate those type of people.So if she gain baby weight, this man will grab an infant and tell her to leave ?This is sign of selfishness and lack of common sense.
06:24 PM on 04/08/2012
Women should not shunned just because they blossom from thin to husky to large to Big and Beautiful during a marriage.

It's a natural progression that men should support.
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Icecube
NFC East. Pick your poison.
07:59 PM on 04/08/2012
I have ABSOLUTLY no doubt that if he became as slovenly at keeping employment as you "did" in your apperance you would be fully supportive.
08:39 PM on 04/08/2012
Sizeism is wrong.
06:21 PM on 04/08/2012
As a personal trainer, I see conditions of overweight (in both men and women) which go far FAR beyond just putting on a few pounds. Its fairly common to see people 150 pounds + over their ideal weight which is more than a few pounds, its like a whole other person. I don't find a woman 5'4 and weighing 280 attractive, and I'm sure women don't find a man 5'8 weighing 330 attractive; in fact I know they don't. This weight doesn't get there by eating just a little too much, its caused by gross overeating over a period of years combined with sloth-like behavior. All I can say is no thanks, not for me. Oh and this mythical "newlywed 15" in the majority of cases is the beginning of the upward spiral.
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pennywhite
10:05 PM on 04/08/2012
I'm sure women self-loving women of size don't find you attractive either.
12:57 PM on 04/09/2012
wow. a personal trainer who uses the term "sloth-like behavior" toward people who need compassion and help? Do you only work with thin people? You seem to have some disdain for those that truly need help. Most often the biggest weight gains are not because of some personal failing, as you seem to ascribe to them, but rather a symptom of an underlying imbalance of power in their relationship, lack of self esteem, and depression.
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Malcontent21
I'm the last W.T.F.O.M.G factor
06:10 PM on 04/08/2012
For men and women if the sexual attraction is gone the marriage is basically over.
11:37 PM on 04/08/2012
The sexual attraction has both a physical and an emotional part. I find a relationship is on the downward spiral when the emotional attraction is gone. It is hard to be intimate with someone who is angering you by behaving like a jerk, or whom you don't trust anymore, or are unable to respect anymore.
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Malcontent21
I'm the last W.T.F.O.M.G factor
02:42 AM on 04/09/2012
I agree with you emotions are also a big part of any relationship, the emotional and physical connection facilitate one another depending on the man and woman.
12:58 PM on 04/09/2012
So if your partner becomes injured in a crash, and can no longer have sex, you leave them? Marriage is more than physical... it's called mature love.
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Malcontent21
I'm the last W.T.F.O.M.G factor
03:37 PM on 04/09/2012
No that's not what I was implying I'm saying marriage is hard work, when people stop making an effort to take care of themselves it can cause a strain on the relationship whether emotionally or physically.As for being physically disabled due to circumstances then no you should never leave them it should be for better or worse no matter what.
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Num1Christy
Progressive Ohioan
05:54 PM on 04/08/2012
This makes me so grateful to have an amazing husband. I would cry if I realized I married such an aw.ful human being.
03:41 PM on 04/08/2012
Since you did not tell us what PBN was, I could be wrong, but it is most likely that by the time you get around to putting on the pounds, probably after a couple of kids, he will feel differently. Not that he will like the pounds, he won't. He just will realize that you don't get divorced over it.
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Icecube
NFC East. Pick your poison.
03:23 PM on 04/08/2012
A man gets married to a hottie and then slowly but surely it turns into a "blue pill" marriage because the wife packs on the pounds. Classic bait and switch. Meanwhile he ends up having to support and become aroused at rolls of fat. That is not what he signed up for.

More men should do this.
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pennywhite
09:58 PM on 04/08/2012
Gosh, what a prize you are. What woman wouldn't want to give up chocolate to hang onto a great catch like you? Thank You for the clarity.
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Brianna Cole
Which one wins? The one you feed.
01:44 AM on 04/09/2012
And of course the food baby/beer gut most men pack on after marriage is a completely different issue right? I marry a man with a six pack, and I get one with a keg in 5-10....
01:58 PM on 04/09/2012
Yeah... DH has gained 20-30 pounds since we were married. I've stayed the same through one pregnancy. I would never leave him over weight issues, and I do my best to keep myself in shape. Our society accepts a little spare tire on a man, but will run a woman over hot coals of she dares to get a bit chunky with age.