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01:12 PM on 09/26/2012
An interesting wrinkle in this analysis is the case of a celebrity marriage, where only one half is the celebrity. The non-celebrity, after divorce, finds that not only doesn't he (she) have any residual friends to call his (her) own, but never had them in the first place! The past pretenders, now revealed, speak loudly as to their motivations, and thus to the cheap fabric of celebrity marriages. What a relief it is to be thrown clear.
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Andygirl A
angering at least one person a day since 1996
01:10 PM on 09/26/2012
I've never divorced, but I can relate. when I met my previous boyfriend, I had relocated from another state and so his friends became my friends and my friends were all back home. so when he left me, I lost all of my friends. every single one. because they were his friends first and I understood that. and my friends were lovely on the phone, but it's hard to go through that without someone to hug or share a glass of wine with. but hell, what doesn't kill you amIright?

my advice? get your own friends independent of your significant other, especially if you're new to the area like I was. it's crucial.
12:31 PM on 09/26/2012
what a breath of fresh air to find a good, well-written, witty article in the divorce section.

Even if it IS written by a "divorce professional," she get's absolution for doing such a nice job.
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Vondrazy Priest
John 19:30 It is finished
12:18 PM on 09/26/2012
A better solution; don't get divorced in the first place, how about not marrying the wrong person or for the wrong reasons? How about seeking God before junping into His Holy Covenant not knowing the real truth about it?
12:45 PM on 09/26/2012
yes, exactly. Don't get married just because some church guy thinks you need to before you hop in the sack.
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Andygirl A
angering at least one person a day since 1996
01:07 PM on 09/26/2012
because it's not necessarily a holy covenant and we're human and make mistakes.

but I have to assume you're completely perfect and immune to making any mistakes. and your spouse too for that matter.

I hope for your sake your perfect world stays intact and he or she never leaves you.
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Vondrazy Priest
John 19:30 It is finished
02:26 PM on 09/26/2012
No, my husband of 27 adultery-free, lovely, caring, laughing years isn't perfect, neither am I, we simply understand the Word of God and how marriage is supposed to be. And yes it is a Holy Covenant. This society we live in hates God and will stop at nothing to do evil against Him, and has tried to turn marriage into a game of here today gone tomorrow but from the beginning it wasn't so.
12:00 PM on 09/26/2012
or better yet don't bother with getting married. Men are good for one thing...arm candy.
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curmugin
Sorry kids.
12:59 PM on 09/26/2012
I see you and my ex belong to the same club. Sweets to the Sweet.
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bvbklyn
01:43 PM on 09/26/2012
having been married 2x and acknowledging my inability to find a keeper, dating is one thing, marriage quite another. suddenly who you are is transformed into what your'e supposed to be. if you happen to be out when your boyfriend calls, he says call me when you can. if he's your husband, he says where were you. if you happen to be tired from work and don't want to cook, your boyfriend will take you out or you cook together, your husband will complain and pout that dinner is not ready. if my mother was home, my father wouldn't make his own coffee. if he didn't like what she made, he ate cereal and sighed with disapproval. neither husband was paying my way, so it is indeed sweeter not to have the annoying complaints.
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bfcg
11:55 AM on 09/26/2012
Wrong. Contentious splits are cultivated by lawyers and other that make their livings harvesting recent divorcees. Our society is partisian in every way possible. Industries are build around extremely polorized views. You are forced to either love something or hate something.
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Itsbeenalongday
Eliminating poverty is smart business
11:51 AM on 09/26/2012
My first wife and I took years to get a divorce because neither of us wanted custody of the kids.
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Janice Harper
11:45 AM on 09/26/2012
Excellent advice, and it applies to other social conflicts as well, such as the workplace when management terminates or seeks to eliminate a worker.

One thing to keep in mind also is that you don't know what your friends are being told about you or the reason for the divorce. Moreover, they're probably seeing you at your worse as you go through it, making any lies, distortions or exaggerations they've heard seem all the more believable. But the bottom line is, those who stick with you at this low point in your life are the real friends. Don't let them down when it comes time that they need your support.
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DuffyShort
Born in in a segregated world..
11:42 AM on 09/26/2012
The friend deal after divorce is always hard to fathom. We have had a relatively large number of friends divorce. During post divorce single days, both seem to move away.They need new friends that can go out three nights a week. As they remarry, some come back into the fold, some don't. Some new spouses don't want the old friends back in the picture. Sometimes it takes years or decades to get them back. But if they want to stay close and you do too, it doesn't need to change.
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gateking
11:38 AM on 09/26/2012
Wow is that complicated. Guys understand that most friends are friends due to history, geography, work or other activities. The friends will generally follow the natural course after divorce.
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curmugin
Sorry kids.
11:38 AM on 09/26/2012
The article, while amusing and I think generally good advice, deals with the problem in a healthy manner. It doesn't always go that way. When one or both work as professionals, a toxic divorce can permanently destroy not just the relationship and family but the career and social networking opportunities of the woman or man seen as the bad guy. The man is usually at a disadvantage in these social-skills based battles. My suggestion, rarely acted on, is a detailed prenup for those who would contemplate not just marriage but any serious relationship. Many intimate partners will find the suggestion mildly offensive, but if they refuse to do the work and memorialize it in writing it is a huge red flag and, as I wish I had believed long ago, a good reason to hit the door.
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Andygirl A
angering at least one person a day since 1996
01:11 PM on 09/26/2012
a prenup outlining who gets which friends? won't the friends have to agree to that too?
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curmugin
Sorry kids.
08:05 PM on 09/26/2012
The idea would not be to just apportion property, or people as property, but to set expectations and boundaries and try to understand that things might need to end at some point. Many relationships seem to me closer to suicide pacts than a love match.
11:23 AM on 09/26/2012
Whenever there's a divorce, one partner always fares better than the other, at least it does in the short run. Such as, when the "bad guy" is often also often the strong one. Friends notice this, and shy away from everyone. For one thing, the divorce brings up issues in their own marriage. It's like a contagious dangerous virus.
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11:15 AM on 09/26/2012
There is another category of "friends". Those that follow the money. They go off with the person who has the most money and can afford the social life. They may not even realize that's what they did but people do that all the time.
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maidenofdforest
Eclectic Ket
10:54 AM on 09/26/2012
Very good question and post.

Those who are biased will become invisible friends. Those who are fakes are the ones who will rub your wound. Those who are genuine will comfort both you and your ex spouse.

Divorce is mostly nasty...but you can choose your friends, needless to say!
10:50 AM on 09/26/2012
My very best friends in the World were actually "her friends" originally. Now they barely speak to her.