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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
plaidsportcoat
03:45 PM on 11/05/2012
To my only son: I'm sorry I'm poor -- now that you're grown up and doing great because I chose to forfeit money making for loving you and spending your growing life with you since I was your only parent. I'm sorry I'm so poor and don't have a house and money to share with you because I made it my biz to provide that to you when you were small, and i worked part time so you didn't feel neglected. I'm sorry you don't have a sibling, because I know you'd have been a great one. I'm sorry I didn't have one for you - but I always knew I couldn't love another child as much as you, and that it would be unfair to have one due to that.
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HUFFPOST COMMUNITY MODERATOR
LaurieAnn
Generation Jones INFJ
03:44 PM on 11/05/2012
Carrie, your sons are absolutely beautiful!  I have only one child; a son, now 15, who has autism.  Guess what.  I have many of the same regrets about raising the one that you have for raising two; and some different regrets as well.  I was a working parent from the time my son was 5 months old until he was 30 months old, so even with an only child I still missed a lot.  Just the fact that you have the heart to write such an apology to Kai tells me that Kai will grow up knowing that he is loved by you and precious to you just as Adonis is doing; because you will make the extra effort for him to ensure that.
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sweetpatriot
28,woman,healthcareworker,polyglot,bisexual.
03:43 PM on 11/05/2012
very cute
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03:29 PM on 11/05/2012
I feel for you, but, honestly, we need to stop apologizing to our kids for being thoughtful and good parents (don't deny that you are one). It just feeds into the culture of the mommy wars and working mother guilt (predominately).
KenInd
We too shall get through this.....
03:07 PM on 11/05/2012
This is so poignant. I was the younger brother who yearned for the attention that my brother seemed to command. So I got the hand me downs; I got the left overs, I go the last bit of attention.

And we grew up. We went our own ways, only to come together at awkward family moments when I would forget that my whole life had to be put aside for a moment to become again, for a moment, the second one.

And dad left us; then mom, and now we are next in the line of taxiing craft ready for the final take off.

But now, you are not able to look after yourself. You have Alzheimer's. Far too young; far too soon. And I have to step in your shoes and take over as leader, and help you and your family travel down this awful road from which there is no escape.

And I think back to my last words with mom, when she looked at me, and smiled, and said 'Sorry'. I was too dumbfounded to respond. But now I know.

And I love you both, and always will.
09:37 PM on 11/07/2012
Thank you for sharing this. It is so powerfully heartfelt and moved me so much. I
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Welease Wodewick
What's her name? Virginia Plain!
02:42 PM on 11/05/2012
An absolutely beautiful post. Thank you, very much.

You're doing a fantastic job Carrie - your sons are lucky little boys.

If you spotted every little problem - resolved every difficulty - did everything on time - prevented your kids from getting sick - stopped them from getting bumps and scrapes, and paid equal amounts of attention to both boys - at all times, you would have proved - beyond any doubt - that God is female - and that you are She.

The very best to you - and your lovely family.
HUFFPOST COMMUNITY MODERATOR
lunalunera
01:39 PM on 11/05/2012
Wow!!!!
01:35 PM on 11/05/2012
I just about cried all over my keyboard (at work) reading this article. With a 20 month old and an 8 month old, I can absolutely relate. As I held my second born last night, after having to change her from the PJ's she threw up on for the 5th night in a row, I realized that I hadn't held her without being interrupted and scolded by my 1st born, in weeks. I rocked her and just sobbed and told her how sorry I was for not having more time and energy for her all those times that she wasn't sick...when she was just being the laid back, easygoing baby that she is, probably in part to rarely getting the undivided attention she deserves. I too missed her 1st bite of solid food, and forget all the time that needs more than just a bottle these days for nutrients and variety. I think I've written maybe 3 experts in her baby book so far, whereas my 1st born had daily entries for the 1st year (till her sister came along) While its hard, and heartbreaking when I think about it too much, I remind myself (and you should too) that I gave my daughters the greatest gift in the world...a sister... a best friend. Thank you for your very honest words. You are not alone, and you're a great mom.
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greenToBlue
A life without AHA moment is the cause of TP think
04:16 PM on 11/05/2012
You did good as well.

I am honored to be your 1st fan. And welcome aboard.
04:55 PM on 11/05/2012
Thank you! I'm usually just a reader, not a commenter, but this one moved me to do so. Thanks for the support. :)
01:19 PM on 11/05/2012
This brought tears to my eyes. I'm currently a new mommy to two (2 years/7 months). It breaks my heart to realize how few pictures we have of my son, about how I'm constantly comparing him to my daughter. On the flip side, I sometimes feel like I'm ignoring my daughter in order to cater to the baby. I knew it would be diffferent, but I had no idea *how* different. I'm confident that I'm a good mom, but I know there are days where I doubt myself. It's good to know I'm not alone.
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01:09 PM on 11/05/2012
What a couple sweet-looking kids!
01:04 PM on 11/05/2012
A wonderful and honest read!
12:50 PM on 11/05/2012
You are not alone.
12:11 PM on 11/05/2012
I feel ya on that. Hardly took any pictures or remember much from #2's first year.

It's hard. We can only do our best.
08:13 PM on 11/07/2012
Thank you for your support! That is all that it really comes down to: doing our best and trying to do better every day.