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rockymtnleather
The right is consistently wrong.
10:07 AM on 04/11/2013
Maybe expressing her anger so publicly will help this woman.
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elgeeezer
Got my head fixed with ObamaCare
10:06 AM on 04/11/2013
What Shiela has said is something that needed to be said. There just aren't words that can comfort a parent when a child dies.

When I hear news like that I l always respond with "That sucks!" Because it does.
KELL F
If we all could be as smart as you......
10:01 AM on 04/11/2013
There is no sense to be made of this, it is what is and it's a very terrible thing!
09:58 AM on 04/11/2013
I'm so sorry.
People blather when they don't know what to say. You've hopefully taught some of us that hushing is better sometimes.
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snowfall20
Anthropologist at large
09:50 AM on 04/11/2013
Early on I came to the conclusion when someone dies close to us dies, others have no clue what to say. I have no clue what to say either. We want so desperately to comfort those in pain which includes ourselves. So with that understanding, I accept their caring and ignore the words and accept the emotions. People always want to put a "positive" spin on a situation and often they do it for themselves more than anyone else. As a parent my heart breaks for you.
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09:43 AM on 04/11/2013
I have never imagined or uttered words that could provide real or imagined comfort to parents who've lost a child, particularily a very young child. The crippling sadness of it all seems overwhelming. All I can ever think of saying is, "I'm so sorry."
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Catriona49
09:41 AM on 04/11/2013
People live and people die. Inevitable, and the time frame is not of our choosing. Our culture is not accepting of death, because so many things that used to result in death are no longer fatal. How people deal with death and loss is as individual as there are ...individuals. My losses brought words such as you have heard. I chose to block them out, for they were intended to soothe the sayer. And, for the most part, that's what we all do- soothe our own feelings and emotions that accompany death.
09:24 AM on 04/11/2013
All these terms and references come from fund raisers, because Americans have a competitive history and will support a "War" against almost anything. That, and the fear that creeps in whenever we are confronted by our own vulnerability and mortality. On the forgiving side, this "warrior" mentality is a very helpful metaphor for many, though not as much in cases as described by this mother. Choose the tools you need to navigate the shadow world of grieving, but it might be better not to eliminate the tools that others find helpful in their journey, because the answer to your closing questions is, "Yes...for some it does."
09:20 AM on 04/11/2013
I'm sorry for this mother's sadness. When people express sympathy it's usually sincere and from the heart to comfort the sorrowful.Some just hug the person and say, (or not say), "there just aren't any words". Because there aren't any real words to take away their pain. Everyone grieves differently and may also find comfort in words expressed One mother said "I have my own personal "angel" up there" while another said, "there is just a hole where I once had a heart". When we express sorrow, our words are genuine for the sadness we feel for another person losing their loved one. When the doctor told me, my mother was a "valiant lady", it made me feel sadder because she had to be "valiant" to fight a long battle of a dreaded disease, only to lose in death. But these were words of truth, he expressed and while the truth can hurt, he was sincere in expressing them. Unless you have been in their exact same place, people have no way of knowing what the grieving person is feeling. They have different feelings they own, we can only try to understand. And the words we express in our sympathy are from feelings we own and are never meant to offend a grieving person. There's no "rehearsal" in expressing words to comfort when said from your heart. Say them. If you can't find any, there's no need to check with them what is acceptable, just give the person a hug.
10:01 AM on 04/11/2013
Well said.
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OneMercilessMing
09:05 AM on 04/11/2013
Well, EXCUUUUUSE us for trying to offer words of comfort to you in your loss.

There are no adequate words with which to comfort a person who has lost a child, for whatever reason--stillbirth, miscarriage, cancer, car accident, whatever. We use the words at our disposal because we who have lost children know how deep the pain is and how the sense of loss BARELY attenuates with time.

A much younger acquaintance of mine lost her three year old on a New Year's Eve to Leukemia. That was three years ago--and every New Year's Eve, I know I am going to spend that night ATTEMPTING to comfort her with inadequate words. But, at least I am THERE for her when she needs to rail at god, cry, weep for her loss--her deep, unending, gut-wrenching loss. It's a horrible night for her in the midst of all the revelry and hope for the upcoming year.

So take your moral indignation and shove it. Were I your friend (and thank god I am NOT), I would never again take your calls, listen to your heart-broken weeping, offer you a metaphorical rope to pull yourself out of the quagmire of grief in which you are enmeshed.

To an ingrate like you, I say: suck it up. Life is not fair--so grow a pair.
09:03 AM on 04/11/2013
In my first pregnancy, I was carrying twins. One was born deformed and considered a still born baby and the other lived for three days in the NICU. It was one of the hardest times in my life. If anyone had said to me "It was for the best" referring to my baby who lived for three days, I would have knocked their block off. All I know is that after he died, I was moved off the maternity ward to another one and left that hospital with empty arms. The warriors as far as I am concerned were the doctors and nurses trying to keep Sean alive. It was painful for me to say to Sean, "It is okay to let go and go with God." and then he soon passed on.
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scook112793
08:58 AM on 04/11/2013
When we are in the fog of grief, it is often difficult to recognize that other people are just trying to let you know they care about you and are sorry for your ordeal and would love to help you through the process if they can. Some people express this better than others. Sometimes grieving people say things they don't mean as well. Let's all give each other the benefit of the doubt-we cannot edit what the world has to say and most people are just trying to offer comfort.
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psterry77
08:56 AM on 04/11/2013
Everyone deals with death in a different way. It's a tough thing to deal with. Especially when it's a child. We can understand this mother's anger and grief, but she needs to realize that we do nothing in this world alone or that doesn't effect others. Not even die. It's obvious that she's only focused inward on her own pain here and that's very understandable, but if she could look outward long enough to see that the people who are using these metaphors are simply people trying their very best to reach out and comfort her, maybe she can find a way to have compassion on them realizing that they too are in pain and grieving with her. I believe that the people who use these metaphors are "angels" and "warriors" themselves, doing and saying whatever they can to bring comfort and peace to a grieving parent's heart. That's something to be thankful for.
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PumpkinGirl
Karma WILL get you, make no mistake about it!
08:49 AM on 04/11/2013
My heart breaks for you and your family at the loss of your baby girl, your Donna. We (those of us who have not experienced this) are usually at a terrible loss for words in trying to comfort someone who has gone through what you've endured. We want to make you feel better, we want to give you something to hold onto, an image you can cradle to your breast of a sweet angel or a strong warrior instead of a sick or dying or dead child. We dress it up to make it nice. But death isn't nice. Nothing about losing a child is "nice" & should never be romanticized in any way. Unless that's what helps you get through each second. Bless your hearts. I hope you believe what's written on her stone, because she WILL meet you there.
08:41 AM on 04/11/2013
My dear husband was the victim of a violent and senseless crime. People chose to comfort me by saying "it was his time" ... "he is in a better place". NOOOOOOOOOO ... He was MURDERED. To this day, people choose to say "he passed away". NOOOOOOOOOOO He was MURDERED. I do not let anyone go without knowing the simple facts of the reality I have lived with every minute of every day for the past 9 years. I don't care if they don't like to "hear" it - only I have to live with it. What I have learned is that people are extremely insensitive and unwilling to embrace reality. In stead of trying to understand my position - they choose to alienate me - they're loss.
09:07 AM on 04/11/2013
My wife and I lost our daughter in a climbing accident when she was 18. That was in 1981. We have never gotten over it, but the scar tissue is a lot stronger now. My spiritual faith helped me, but not everyone believes the same way. I'm glad my daughter wasn't murdered. I could not have rested until I had been given revenge. Forgive your friends. They don't understand your loss and feelings, but you should consider that it was not really their loss, it was yours and it is not really their grief, it is yours. They may alienate you because they can't cope with your grief. Perhaps if you hid it a little? After all, you love for your husband was personal and your grief is part of that love. Don't let it die, but don't share it with others.
10:03 AM on 04/11/2013
altsfs, unfortunately you are not the only one that has to live with it. You are one of a number of people that live with it. Yes he was murdered but he also did pass away. If you have faith in God then yes, he is in a better place. It is not a place that you believe he wanted to be at this time but none the less he is in a better place. We all want to live a long healthy life but being mortal that does not always happen. I agree some people at insensitive and unwilling to embrace reality and one reality is that people die before they should and it is more difficult for somepeople to accept that reality than it is others.