Angelica Huston's black bob swings back and forth, keeping time with the click of her heels on the sidewalk. As the Oscar-winning actress passes, she throws us a warm but impish smile and then fades into the nighttime air. Her departure cheers the crowd, which has been waiting in the cold and will finally be called to fill the ground floor of VBH Luxury on New York's Upper East Side. The high-end showroom serves as an on-location site for Smash, the new NBC television show produced by Steven Spielberg about the birth of a Broadway musical.
Along with approximately 75 other people, I've been hired as background for a big party, which means we'll be seen but not heard in the episode, human props moved around to create an enthusiastic and festive atmosphere. The casting company told us in advance that we, along with lead character Tom Levitt (played by Christian Borle), are portraying gays and lesbians attending a Republican fundraiser for major donors. The men are outfitted in dark, pinstriped suits and somber ties, while the women are dressed in conservative business attire accented with expensive-looking scarves. I can't help but think we look like Ann Coulter groupies, fresh from a day slaving away in our Wall Street closets -- er, I mean cubicles.
Positioned at the head of the waiting line, I'm one of the first extras to enter into the two-story building. Living in Manhattan, it's easy to become immune to luxurious spaces, but the towering ceilings, plush, earth-tone furniture, and polished wood floor featuring my middle-aged reflection make even my jaded eyes pop. It's no surprise when the Second Assistant Director warns us not to sit on anything.
"No, no, no. That's not allowed either," he runs over and tells a woman rolling up her black overcoat and laying it on a cream-colored couch. I don't blame the A.D., since he's only following orders. No doubt VBH only agreed to the TV shoot under the proviso that there's no damage to the interior.
As I look around and take inventory of the other background actors, my gaydar barely bleeps. Maybe 10 percent appear to belong to the LGBTQ community. It's a surprise, as I figure there'd be a lot more of us, especially given the assignment.
"You," a crewmember points at me. "And you," he says to a handsome, silver-haired man. "Come with me." Gesturing to the gorgeous orange knot around my cast mate's neck, I bestow the "Best Tie of the Evening" award on him. Soon I learn that Stephen works as a banker, not as a professional actor. Like me, he is doing this for the adventure.
My new friend and I are instructed to act like a gay power couple, gripping and grinning as we work our way through the mass of guests in a specific sequence that we're to repeat for every take. With the long- and medium-shots, close-ups, reverses -- and numerous retakes -- we'll spend a great deal of the 10-hour shoot together. Fortunately, he's a charming conversationalist and seems comfortable putting his arm around me and playing the role of my date.
We agree that I'll wait for him at the top of a staircase, and in order to enhance the realism of the scene, he'll come up and "surprise" me at the start of each take. My position puts me behind two 20-somethings who've also been paired up. They're about three feet in front of me, so I'm close enough to hear their conversation, but not so close that they're aware of me.
"Which one of us has to be the girl?" jokes the blond.
"You're shorter than me. You lose," replies the dark-haired guy.
"All right, but only if I have to."
"Too bad, dude!"
They both start punching each other on the shoulder and even let out a giggle or two. Meanwhile, blood rushes to my face. I take in a long breath and then slowly exhale. Angered by their exchange, I want to let them know I find their attitudes both homophobic and misogynistic, but the director calls for quiet on the set. I hear the sound of the black and white clapboard strike. The high-definition camera begins rolling, and I hear the crew cry out, "Action!"
I try to focus on our cues so that Stephen and I cross in front of the camera at exactly the right time, but I'm struggling. It seems ironic that people can be so ignorant, even on the set of what will probably be one of the gayest TV shows of all time. (I mean, please, it's about Broadway.) Moreover, this is a scene where everyone is supposed to be queer. For actors, this is as gay as it gets.
Though I didn't speak up when I first overheard the offending comments, I want to say something during our next break. Part of me feels it's my obligation to educate these two young actors and let them know there is no "woman" in a gay relationship -- and no "man" in a lesbian one.
Another thing that angers me is their assumption that the shorter partner in a same-sex couple automatically assumes a more passive role. True, some couples use the 1950s model where one calls the shots, but many of us have created a new paradigm where both partners come as equals, and neither dominates the other, regardless of height, age, income, or any other metric.
But, maybe I should mind my own business. I don't want thought police attacking my every private conversation, and that's what this was -- a tête-à -tête that I happened to overhear.
I remember that many of the world's great religious and philosophical traditions admonish us to look within before finding fault with someone else. Jesus of Nazareth says, "How can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye" (Matthew 7:4-5 NKJV).
On the same subject, the Dalai Lama writes, "Rather than criticizing others, we should evaluate and criticize ourselves. Ask yourself, what am I doing about my anger, my attachment, my pride, my jealousy?"
Even from the world of psychology, Carl Gustav Jung advises, "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."
While I believe that it's always important to stand up for social justice and speak truth to power, even when inconvenient, this situation on the set of Smash doesn't fit that mold. The 20-something actors are mere extras, not authority figures, nor are they intentionally trying to hurt anyone. They're two nervous straight guys confronted with playing characters outside their comfort zone. Since the duo knew before accepting the background assignment that they'd portray gay men, I need to give them credit.
When I ask myself why I became so outraged with the brief verbal exchange, I don't like the answer. As a guy of medium height (5'9" in shoes on an especially tall day), I've mostly dated men whose pants-length is much longer than mine. I have to come clean and admit that I fear that people will think I'm the more passive one in the relationship because of my stature. Plus, it really bothers me that others might think I'm feminine or womanly.
Whoa! Who's the real misogynist and homophobe now? With gritted teeth, I wave to the fellow I spy when I look down into the shiny parquet floors at VBH Luxury.
The Hindu sage Mohandas Gandhi tells us, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." If I want to live in a planet without prejudice, then I should start by eliminating my character defects before lecturing others.
Throughout most of the shoot, I've been so focused on working through my judgment that I haven't paid any attention to the two young actors. During the last take, shortly before the crew calls out "checking the gate," which signals the final workday wrap, I notice the taller one has his arm around the other's shoulder -- not like a lover, but like a brother. Still, it's obvious they are trying to play gay as best they can. I doubt the viewers at home will be able to tell the difference.
Have you ever accidentally overheard a homophobic comment? How did you react? I'd love to hear your story.
Follow Court Stroud on Twitter: www.twitter.com/court_stroud
Plus, I still think the whole "man" or "woman" binary measure of a relationship is the heterosexual model and doesn't reflect the diversity of roles available in all human interaction.
Even my most accepting straight friends make this reference. Preconditioned to think of sexuality and sexual positions together, versatility isn't very common among conservative couples. Sometimes it is easier to let it go than to explain how the physics of men 5'7 and 6'2 can work contrary to what they think. But if the "man-woman" reference enables them to visualize two men or two women as loving, intimate couples, that's enough.
Lastly, a woman's sexual power/"role" is not degrading. Indeed, the fear of women's sexuality causes misogyny and bigotry in many cultures and religions. If one had the proper respect for women, this wouldn't be an issue. The only thing I find offensive in being thought of as a woman is the unreasonable expectation to be at once beautiful, sexy, charming, intelligent, graceful and powerful while balancing myself on 5-inch Louboutins.
What we are really discussing is "stereotyping," but these permeate the LGBTQ community, too. Within it, there are preconceived roles. This, while deplorable, is normal. The challenge is not to dismiss these prejudices but to find the courage to overcome them, so we may really know the people behind the Vera Wang veil.
The response for me depends on who is making the remark. If it does seem to be a simple case of lack of understanding, I might talk a little bit about relationship dynamics, and toss off a remark about many men being the "women" in hetero relationships.
If the remark is particularly nasty, I'll have some fun with stereotypes. I'm about as far from the "typical gay" as a homophobe could imagine, bearing all the scars and war stories that 15 years in the Army can give me. I'm also pretty physically imposing and known as a "Clint Eastwood-type" NCO. The response may include a profane tirade about ignorance and minding your own damn business when it comes to my private life, thankyouverymuch, or I may just toss off "usually me, but it depends on what mood we're in" Probably not the most constructive or mature answer, but the looks I get are priceless..especially when they realize I'm not joking...
Love the idea of you making folks look shocked with your retorts!
The way t combat homophobia on a "global" level is obviously education and outreach, but on the personal level, taking that ignorant or even hostile person and being funny, witty, thoughtful and intelligent with them...being a "normal" person who just maybe watches a different kind of porn...that's the key to winning, one person at a time...
Failing that? "I like men, I'm bigger than you...whatcha gonna do about it?"
I volunteer as an outreach educator for a local LGBT group, so I run into this lack of understanding all the time (I don't like to use the word "ignorance", as it has some very negative connotations - often this is just a lack of knowledge about how gay relationships work). It most certainly is annoying, frustrating, and irritating.
I've been directly asked the question "in a relationship that has two guys, how do you decide which one of you is the woman?". It used to tick me off when someone asked it; but as an educator I would do my best to patiently explain that in same-sex relationships (female or male) the traditional stereotypes of gender roles do not apply, and each couple works out a way to handle those roles that works for them.
I could never quite get over my irritation - until one day, when my partner said to me: "Well, even if they ask the question the wrong way, at least they are asking and trying to understand." That really hit me.
If I could make a suggestion: Perhaps what you could have done was offer to help the two young men with their characterization - letting them know that you were gay and that you could help them make their performance more appropriate. Instead of confronting them, or avoiding them, offer to give them information that might reduce their level of 'ignorance'.
Love the way your partner re-framed the issue. I'm gonna remember that for the future. Your suggestion about offering to help with the actors' characterization was also spot-on - no judgment, just an offer to help.
You sound like a very wise and loving human being.
But all of us -- gay and straight -- have to be careful about how we throw around that word. If these guys were "homophobic," what does that make those politicians, clergy, and social activists who retail in outright, unmistakable "irrational fear, aversion or discrimination"? Do we have to coin a new uber-word for them?
Too often gay folks reach for the handy word "homophobic," when "ignorant" or "insensitive" will do. Words like "racist," homophobic" "antisemitic" are serious charges. They should be employed as the description of last resort, not first.
Although you may be correct in strictly clinical - or grammatical - terms, the word has long since entered the vernacular as encompassing any expression displaying the attitudes you mention.
Understand, I'm not pointing fingers at you, specifically, but I can't help noting both the frequency and the irony of encountering this complaint from those who'll engage in the harshest expressions towards gays (itself just such a "catch all" term), in much the same way as some will hurl the charge of "divisive rhetoric" is at those who, the day before, they accused of "destroying America."
It seems to me a case of "if the shoe fits." If one doesn't identify with the attitudes of those engaging in homophobic expression, there's no reason to object to its application to those who do.
When the comic inevitably deteriorated to gay jokes in order to get the audience's wandering attention, I stood up from my mobility scooter and announced quite loudly that the comic was a breeder and if he thought I was one of his prancing lisping caricatures? I invited him out to the parking lot if he doubted my ability to kick his ---, and then told the breeders in the audience who had been laughing at his childish and assinine attempts at hilarity if any of them cared to join him...as I was aware that straight-boys thought a fair fight with a gay man was at least three-with-weapons to one-unarmed.
Then I left the club. I waited in the parking lot for some time. Eventually, the comic came out, but to plead his case that he hadn't meant to insult anyone and that I had misunderstood him. I told him to get away from me unless he meant to do more than talk. Funnily enough, no one else from the audience came to his aid, weapons or no. Pity.
You mention that the comic came out to talk with you, but you wanted him to "go away unless he meant to do more than talk." How would you have liked him to respond to your offer to take it outside? Did you feel that violence was the best way to resolve the homophobic comments? If so, why?
Do you also reject the idea that a guy named Gandhi lived in India during the last century or that a refugee from Tibet called the Dalai Lama lives in northern India and travels the world? They're all saying pretty much the same thing: Love each other.
What do you use as a first go-to when dissecting tricky social situations?
Ultimately, I realized that the two young actors really were trying to do the right thing -- I was the one with the issue.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend!
as a person who is not homophobic, i could have easily made the same "blunders" that you describe above. i can't tell you how many times i've heard gay couples joke about who is the "man" and who is the "woman" in the relationship. perhaps this is the same as the black... i'm sorry... african american community using the N-word. they can do it... we cannot. not that i'd want to, but i'm not sure why they would either. (i'm still not clear on whether i can say "black" or not. even my black friends aren't sure about the answer to that one. though, for the record, none of them are offended by it just as i'm not offended by being called "white," though i know that my opinion is moot being that i am a straight, white man.)
i appreciate that, in the end, you gave cut them a break and looked within. unfortunately, that is the less traveled road by far. even if many in your situation might not have spoken up, they probably would have walked away steaming and not considering their own complicated psychology, let alone the "offending" individuals'.
i do like the idea of adding the "Q" though. at this rate, in fifty years, we'll have every letter in the alphabet there which will represent everyone and maybe we can all be counted together as just... "people." a little too John Lennon of me? probably.
here's my point with all of this (and this is something that does not just apply to the gay community)... it seems as though anyone in any minority situation feels they have the right to change the terms or lingo at a moment's notice and be judgmental (even to the point of blood boiling anger) when someone doesn't use the terms that he or she have accepted and now expect.
I thought "gay" was an all-inclusive term, too, but then learned the women feel it's a term just for men, so I've been using "queer" whenever appropriate, as it seems to cover the whole gammit.
Sometimes I (and perhaps others, too) are too fast to jump to anger over the verbiage used by people, instead of looking past the words to the intention. Sometimes people may not use the politically-correct term, but have no desire to denegrate or hurt.
Again, thanks for your smart comment.
I was never talented enough to get on a stage, but my experience was in a much more predictable setting: a church bible study group, about 20 years ago. A really pretty young lady who seemed to be both the most popular girl in our group and the most religious, said something to the effect that "of course God uses AIDS to strike gays down, thank goodness he does so he can teach us all a lesson". A few people nodded in agreement and no one objected (including me, a 23 year old who was new to both this kind of Christianity and to the group and lonely and was hoping to make new friends and even a girlfriend, and was afraid of "rocking the boat".). Looking back, one of the top 5 regrets in my life was not having the courage to say anything. For that I'm truly sorry.
Thank you for your comment and for sharing your story. Wow, what a hateful, or at least very ignorant comment. I'm always amazed at how much hate comes out in what are supposed to be bastions of love. It's easy to understand why it must have been very hard to say something to the "popular girl" in your church study group, given your newness and desire for making connection.
It's hard to speak up. I'm still not 100% convinced that I did the right thing on the set of SMASH and wonder if I was "judging not" or just wimping out.
Let's hope we both have the courage to speak up the next time we feel it's the right thing to do, as well as the wisdom to know when we should remain silent and look inward.
Kind regards,
Court
In this case, confronting the actors probably wasn't worth it. If they continue to make comments like that, some gay casting director will hear about it and the only lines they'll ever have to memorize will be "You want fries with that?"
have courage to change the things we can, and possess the wisdom to know the difference.