Admitting the Complexities of Abortion

Planned Parenthood was packed on a Thursday in the frigid Colorado dead of winter. I remember giving up my seat to a woman who looked to be in her thirties and totally unfazed by the crowded lobby on abortion day. She alternated between gabbing on her phone and yelling at her toddler. I flipped through a magazine without really looking at the pages and hated her a little.

It wasn't that I thought she was an evil person. I am not, nor ever was, a conservative Christian -- despite having grown up just miles away from Focus on the Family. In fact, I was at that Planned Parenthood, in order to support a pregnant neighbor. After a condom-break and twist of fate, she was too scared to tell her parents, but too determined to protect her own future. We marched past the pro-lifers with their gruesome placards and went inside, arm in arm.

I was unequivocally pro-choice, but I hated that woman in her 30s because she seemed (I didn't ask) to have such an uncomplicated relationship with abortion. I was jealous. Past my conviction that abortion should be legal and safe, my own feelings were a mess.

I felt that way again at a screening of Jennifer Baumgardner and Gillian Aldrich's film, I Had an Abortion, a couple of years ago. After a riveting film collage of real women who had experienced the complexity and power of abortion, a rather one dimensional discussion took place where older feminists expressed their disappointment in younger women's ambivalence over the issue. A young woman spoke about her conviction that abortion should be legal, but not easy, and another woman, who looked to be in her 50s, immediately yelled out "Abortion is a form of contraception!" Another feminist veteran teared up talking about her misguided students who expressed shame over abortion, but there was a hint of patronizing mixed in with the sadness.

The truth is that my generation (Gen Y, Third Wave, whatever you want to call us) doesn't have the black and white zeal of second-wavers when it comes to abortion. Some of my friends believe that abortion should absolutely be legal, but that they, themselves, would not get one. Some of my friends have already had them; they don't regret it, but a few have seen therapists and healers afterward, aching to make peace with their decisions. I've had heart-to-hearts with many a guy friend trying to support his significant other through an abortion and feeling inadequate and confused.

I see abortion as a very grave and complicated personal decision, and one that every woman is entitled to make for herself. Even though I am pro-choice, I am pro-admitting the complexity of that choice. The fact that so many older feminists are unwilling to even entertain my generation's ambivalence over the psychological or even spiritual implications only serves to squash potential dialogue.

As we celebrate the 35th anniversary of Roe vs. Wade this week, I hope we can remember a bit of the spirit at the Women's March for Choice in Washington, D.C. -- a gathering of over a million people according to some estimates -- back in 2004. Surrounded by men, women and children of all ages, I felt empowered to stand up for every woman's legal right to reproductive choice (not to mention health), but also free to disclose my complicated feelings over the issue. There was space for transformational dialogue as we lay in the grass, listening to the diverse speakers. There was time to look women of all ages in the eyes and say, "This is where I'm coming from. How about you?"

Too often women's studies academics and veteran feminists end up preaching to the choir, cutting off contention, being exclusive with their language. I have sometimes felt like I would be disrespecting my legacy, or worse, personally offending various older feminists that I have deep respect for, if I initiated a conversation about abortion that didn't stick to the movement tag line. Does it really weaken the argument that it should be legal, just because we admit it is also fraught? Divorce is legal and it can cause depression, regret, and animosity; it can also free women up to fulfill their potential, live their fullest lives, have some control over their fate. No one would ever claim that it was unfeminist to acknowledge these potential complications.

I recently taught Introduction to Gender Studies at Hunter College, an affordable city school in New York City with a great reputation, largely populated by recent immigrants or first-generation Americans. In one of my small, discussion courses, a young, working class woman from Far Rockaway raised her hand and said, "I always try to avoid saying this in my women's studies classes because I am afraid I'll get beaten up, but I kinda think abortion is bad."

I urged her to feel free to speak her mind, that this, in fact, was the point of coming together in learning communities. And she did. And, yes, sometimes it made my skin crawl, especially when she said that she "understood how people could want to bomb abortion clinics." Perhaps I experienced a bit of what some older feminists feel when a young woman in their midst wants abortions to be "safe and rare" or expresses concern over its mental health effects. Belief exists, after all, on a spectrum.

It wasn't comfortable for me to listen to that student's opinions, but it was necessary. We created a space where people of very different religious and moral persuasions came together and had a really tough conversation. Pro-choice -- as a stance -- had been personalized for my student; she liked me, how could she ever again hate or advocate violence against "my kind?" (I've known, and am even related to, many a pro-lifer, so that wasn't a new experience for me).

None of us changed our minds, but we left enriched, informed, and, most critically, fully owning our ideas. This respectful exploration, not the intimidating zealousness of some pro-choice veterans, is the ultimate aim of feminism.

Comments

[MSB]

This issue just pisses me off. I don't believe there is a rational defense to the 'pro-life' stance. In almost all instances, this position is religious in nature, and it is based on an idea about 'sanctity' of human life. The premise, of course, is that you agree with some notion of any religious notion of sanctity.

First of all, if we examine life on this planet, it is NOT precious, it is cheap and it is messy. Procreation exists solely based upon the survivability of progeny. If a million are born, and 100 survive, this may be 'successful' for some species. In the mammalian experience, including humans, there tends to be much more time and effort put into fewer fetuses; however, VERY often these pregnancies are naturally terminated due to bad genetic combinations, bad environmental conditions, stress on the mother, a traumatic physical event to the mother, etc. Science suggests that perhaps more than 50% of pregnancies are naturally aborted pre-term.

As life on an individual basis has so little intrinsic meaning, how can humans arbitrarily assign meaning based upon ideas so esoteric, arbitrary and unproven as religion when it comes to the responsibilities of parenthood? It comes down to indoctrinated nonsense. If 'the religious' were so righteous, they would pick the log out of their own eye before they looked for the mote in the eyes of the numerous frightened, pregnant ladies whom they terrorize by attempting to deny them a procedure, safely, that is a medical procedure which has NO physical effect on anyone but the pregnant mother. Potential is not an argument. An unwanted fetus is as likely to become Hitler as to become Mozart.

If you don't want an abortion - DON'T HAVE ONE! Give other people the choice to do what they want. If you believe in your religious crap half as much as you profess, let people have the choice. It is not for you to judge according to your own holy book.

That said, I appreciate the blogger's idea that abortion is usually not a simple choice for the mother.

[AgathaX]

I used to be a fan of that saying about abortion being safe, legal and rare. Until I adopted a 15 year old girl with psychiatric illness. At 18, after dropping out of school and running away from home she became pregnant. Having been given up for adoption herself at 12 she was avidly anti-adoption. Everyone in the slum where she was living said: get pre-natal care, it will be hard, but we'll be there for you. These are people whose own kids were taken away by social services, or who are raising their grandkids because their daughters could not.

The fundamentalists may not have succeeded in taking away abortion rights, but they sure as heck succeeded in convincing the poorest of the poor that a collection of cells with no brain waves is fully human.

My daughter's first pronouncement to me on the subject was that she was keeping the baby and there was nothing I could do about it. However, all it took was realizing that I viewed abortion as a morally acceptible choice that I was willing to fund and there was no looking back. And because of that simple procedure there is one less crying child in the world with an absent father and a mother who won't stay on her meds and who can't keep a job. And my daughter has another chance to get herself together and have a life.

It should go without saying that the better path is birth control. But the mentally ill are so frequently not together enough to use birth control. I did my best to get my daughter on birth control. But when you are dealing with someone who has near zero insight and near zero impulse control, birth control is an uphill battle. Abstinance works, right up until the day it doesn't work anymore.

I don't give a damn how rare abortion is anymore. That woman in the Planned Parenthood lobby could be my daughter in 15 years. I certainly pray that it is. Trust me, what you see on the surface is ALL surface.

[NABNYC]

Here's the thing. Some woman might decide to wear head-to-toe purple every day. Only purple. Ugly purple. Ugly clothes.

But if she did, it's nobody else's business.

The fact is that our society does not respect women. Therefore everyone is invited to openly express their opinions about other women's choices.

Things like: Well, if you ask me, that skirt is too short. Or, The way I see it, anyone who goes to bars as much as she does can only expect to get loser boyfriends. Or, I'm not surprised she's pregnant. Look at what a slob she is, can barely remember to comb her hair never mind to use a diaphragm.

Here's the only thing you need to know about abortion: it's your business if you decide to have one or not have one. It's your neighbor's business if she decides to have one or not have one -- and it's none of your business.

It is personal. It is private. Just because it involves a woman does not mean that everyone gets to vote and decide for the woman what she should do and how she should feel.

No one should confuse the fact that one woman is without regret but another woman has regrets and a third is ambivalent. Each is entitled to her own individual feelings. That's because women as adults are entitled to make their own choices and process the consequences however they choose.

Ain't nobody's business if I do ... or don't. It is a personal decision. I believe the courts have said it is "a decision to be made by a woman in consultation with her doctor." Period.

[cinemaven]

I'm 48 year old and abortion has always been available in my life as an option. Fortunately, it's an option I didn't have to think about but I did support a high school friend through hers.

My aunt is 84 years old... she was in the bloom of youth when abortions were done in back alley clinics and the result was often death or permanent sterility. She was a nurse who too often saw the results of those procedures. I attended my first pro-choice rally with her when I was 16.

It's so easy for us to wax philosophical about abortion when we don't have to really consider the alternatives. It's easy to question the necessity of the service when you've never had a friend bleed to death because of a botched abortion by someone who wasn't qualified to perform it. When you've never seen someone die of sepsis because of unsanitary conditions and equipment.

I remember my mom asking me if I'd changed my mind about abortion after the birth of our first son. I explained that I was more committed to ensuring choice now than I ever was. Carrying a much wanted and much loved child for 9 months made me understand what it must be like to feel the opposite. I knew absolutely that my son felt my love and joy every day he was inside me. 9 months of helplessness, hopelessness, depression, pain, anger... I can't imagine the effects that has on a woman or child but the fact that I was so blessed during that time made me more of an advocate for choice.

[splashy]

Hmm. If when we talk about the ambivalence and possibly issues with abortion we also talk about the ambivalence and issues with carrying to term, then it would be fine.

But, rarely do people talk about just how dangerous it can be to carry to term, and how much safer abortion is compared to the process of carrying to term and birthing. Not to mention just how difficult it is to care for children after they are born.

Compared to that, abortion is much much easier when done in a proper clinical setting that there is no real comparison to be had.

But, no pro-forced birther will talk about the pains, trauma and possibly death associated with full term pregnancy. They can't, if they want to influence others, because abortions are so much easier on the woman or girl, hands down.

[Technician]

The veteran Feminists are dictatorial.No term can be used to describe leaders who will not allow discussion of whatever subject. That's the way the younger members are kept in line. If a cause is just and reasonable, it can standup under the closest examination and questioning. It seems the older Feminists leaders are not very certain that their philosophy can stand the cold hard light of day.

[richw23]

Wouldn't it be nice if pro-choice meant everybody made their own choice as to what the significance was and let everybody else do the same? But that couldn't fly in a democracy where everything has to be a fucking polictical statement I guess. Where, then?

[OkieMon]

When you make medical abortions illegal you are just making it illegal for poor women. Women with money can simply leave the country to get a safe abortion.

[kronik]

As a male I see abortion as choice because pregnancy is not always choice although its continuation is a very, very serious commitment. It is a 20+ year commitment to be an anchor of support for a growing, potential miracle.

If it is your anchor, you will never have the emotional commitment to provide the 100% support that growing miracle needs. Instead it will become the obstacle that held you back when you were most vulnerable and in need. That child will grow up wearing that emotional burden because it will be so evident in your relationship in so many ways as time passes.

No matter the argument about abortion, pregnancy is repeatable in most cases, but emotional growth and maturity is not and never will be repeatable.

[sharon40]

The anti-choice crowd (I refuse to call them pro-life because to them the life of the woman doesn't count) is made up of patriarchial men and women who "graciously submit to their husbands" who because of their so-called religious beliefs want women to remain second class citizens. Every religion is anti woman on some level. Religion was created by men and for the empowerment of men. Only men have that "special" relationship with God - and women must submit or be silenced- sometimes in gruesome ways. Note our friends the Saudis and their treatment of that young woman that was raped by 9 men. I am a seventies feminist, and it makes me ill to see how rapidly our country is going backwards. The young women of this generation better wake up - their rights are being taken away on a daily basis.

[Widmerpool]

It"s always been complicated. It was complicated in 1033 and 1784 and 1953. Those second wave feminists do not discount the complexity of concerns women have regarding abortion. The thing is those concerns are not legally relevant to the argument that banning abortion prevented women from the protection of due process under the Fourteenth Amendment. When hospitals had abortion wards dedicated to the care of women who had had illegal, botched abortions and when women were lying in morgues because they didn"t survive septic abortions, it was hard to get wrapped up in philosophical discussions about abortion.

Please remember that those who want to take away access to safe and legal abortions never contemplate the feelings of a woman who needs or wants an abortion. They don"t waste time getting wrapped up in the ethics of forcing women to have unwanted children, of forcing women to endure pregnancies that may rob them of their reproductive organs. They are solid in their religious belief that abortion is murder. Those of us who favor a woman"s right to reproductive choice must be as steadfast in our belief that safe, legally accessible abortions are preferable to illegal procedures that can kill and injure women.

As I tell anyone with whom I am discussing abortion, a woman never knows where she will be from one day to the next and the future circumstances of her life may radically change how she thinks about abortion.

Have your feelings, voice your feelings but don"t forget that Roe v. Wade saved women"s lives.

[rextrek]

Abortion levels are lowest now then in 20yrs....and as a Man..I say NO MAN has the right to tell women what they can, or can not do..with thier own bodies. Would we as men allow women to TELL/DICTATE to us what we could do with our Penis/Testicles..? NO we would NOT! Yo Men..STFU! Let women make thier won decisions, and Keep the Buy-Bull BS out of it!

[Galt907]

As in the case of many problems "we" (as individuals or collectively as a country) face, ignorance does not result in good decisions. Good decisions result from open and honest knowledge. I have known women who had abortions and felt guilt, not felt guilt,or not thought about it at all. The decision is a personal one, and should remain so. To ban abortions is only to ban medically safe abortions, abortions will continue to be performed, by butchers in back alleys with unclean instruments resulting in serious illness or death to the woman. I am not pro-abortion, I am pro-choice.

[c.w.]

Hating someone because they don't act sufficiently shamed and guilty about having an abortion seems rather obviously .... well, un-feminist, to say the least.

And what is all this "ambivalence" crap? Do you think abortion might be a little bit like murder? Maybe, um, manslaughter? If you think there is something morally wrong about abortion come out and say what it is. But if you can't quite articulate what you are "ambivalent" about then I suggest you think about it more (a lot more!) until you have some clear idea of what you are talking about. Otherwise it sounds like you have been swayed by the relentless campaign of the anti-choice movement, with a lot of help from the mainstream media - to create precisely this moral "ambivalence".

[alkamm]

Having escorted women to abortion clinics and faced both Roman Catholic and evangelistic Christians respectively chanting the rosary or yelling with bullhorns, I'm invested in the complexity of the issue.
When a Timothy McVeigh looking figure stands behind a clearly hateful Christianist "pastor" who tells me he'd like to kick my ass because I'm so proud of what I'm doing, and I have to hold my tongue, relatively speaking, and tell him I'm here because he's here and speculate on why he's so exercised and hateful (knowing that it's to stir up support for his third-rate little congregation and their donations to the Sunday plate) and watch him do dips with a bullhorn when he says the word Jesus, I had a deep shame for him and what he'd done to the word and spirit of Christ--a man so far above his understanding and intellect that he could never understand him if he tried.
The Catholic anti-abortion crowd does not believe in contraception either, so that out does not out. Abortion is a sad fact of life, and people who choose it are dealing with more than a convenient method of birth control. Their ability to raise a child or take the time from work or school to bring the child to birth is usually in question, and an abortion may also be preferable to adding to the weight of responsibility they've already taken on with other children.
Although there's a big difference between contraception and abortion, the Catholic Church is against both, but it focuses on abortion as a tactic and rallying cry for the flock who are led to believe women are the inferior sex and all the other patriarchal nonsense that is the diametrical opposite of Jesus's preaching--nonsense devised by St. Paul and others whose intellect and spirit could never begin to understand a message of peace and tolerance. In other words, the church bases its appeal to hate, not love, to simplicity, not complexity.