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It Used to Be, When You Bought a Vibrator...

08/05/2013 01:24 pm ET | Updated Oct 05, 2013

While I knew these days you could do almost anything with your phone, I never fathomed masturbating was an option. But like my mom always said, "Where there's a will, there's a way."

Dubbed the "world's first smart vibrator," a company named Vibease has now made it possible to arouse yourself while answering emails with their new vibrator phone app.

Considering my lifelong quest to multitask, you can imagine how impressed I was with the discovery.

Vibease claims to provide self-orchestrated sexual stimulation in a two-fold process: part one via your mind and part two via your cooch.

The bright pink banana-shaped tool hooks up to your phone via Bluetooth. It can also be used hands-free, which keeps you out of trouble with the 5-0s.

To use, you simply plug in your headphones and select audio for the type of sexual experience you wish to play out.

Options include "Fifty Shades of Rose" (are we still talking about this book though?); "Mr. Grey Billionaire" (to my golddigging ladies out there); and "Calming Mind" (this option has a thumbnail picture of the ocean beside it, and confuses me).

Once you've selected your theme, you play the soundtrack while placating yourself with the massager, which applies pressure according to what's going on in the storyline. The sounds correspond to movements, kind of like those simulated rides at Universal Studios.

The video advertisement for Vibease describes the device as a "product as beautiful as it is sensual." One close-up shot shows the mini dildo placed atop an iPhone on the nightstand in the way someone would toss a blanket onto the couch.

The app serves a greater purpose for couples who are torn apart and want to record their own soundtracks, which are uploaded to the app in DIY fashion. I know I have my hipster friends' attention now.

Wondering about sexting? Vibease even provides sample dialogue:

"Only hug? I home alone."

"Well, I want to kiss you. Let me give you massage."

Obviously, the product was not made in America.

According to the commercial, Vibease was also invented for the workspace. The ad begins with a girl sitting at her otherwise monotonous desk job fantasizing about her Latin lover Antonio. Antonio sits beside her and talks about how she goes hard with the stapler, and then she begins to moan.

I'd like to point out I found this story on TechCrunch.

Now, Vibease had to raise $15,000 via crowdfunding in order to complete production, and in true American fashion, sex sold fast. In less than a day, it raised $20,000 and amassed even more views on YouTube. Now, it's at nearly $50K.

People who read the story online were so excited they even offered ideas to improve the device.

One guy wrote, "So much cooler if the app understood certain keywords and the vibrator would act accordingly. "I'm rubbing your ***** harder and harder..." and the intensity would start to gradually increase. Interesting, to say the least."

To say the least!

"There is no doubt that sex sells and a lot of quick money has been made from gambling, sex, guns and other morally questionable industries. But where are the endearing people and companies in these industries? The wise man knows that virtue and providence are inextricably intertwined. The higher path is often more difficult but in the long run usually more rewarding for all."

This little darling needs Vibease more than anybody.

"This isn't really that new or innovative. OhMiBod has been making wearable vibes with an app (and control via Internet) for years. The only new thing here is the "fantasy" stories in the app. I wonder if that's enough."

OhMiBod?

Things sure have changed since I bought my first vibrator. I suppose I'm officially old if I'm starting sentences that way.

Incidentally, the experience was one of the more discomforting moments in my life.

See when I ordered my Rabbit, it was inadvertently delivered to my neighbors' house, the box left partially opened on their welcome mat. My neighbors were two quiet, middle-aged gay men with exquisite taste, so it really couldn't have found a better doorstep.

I discovered it on a Sunday morning when I went to get coffee. As I made my way back to my apartment, I noticed the box sitting there from a distance, and felt this wave of paranoia hit me.

I was already nervous about it arriving because these sorts of things embarrass me, and when it took longer than expected, I knew something had gone wrong.

Though I'd asked for "discreet packaging," instead, there was my Rabbit out in the open with Vibrator.com stamped on the box like cow branding.

I looked around to make sure no one was watching then I snatched the package, and sprinted back to my apartment.

That was that, but I avoided eye contact with my neighbors for my tenure in the neighborhood.

My Rabbit wasn't nearly as fancy as Vibease. It sounds like a good idea, though I'm starting to worry that robots are not overtaking us; we're willingly turning into them.

Anyhow, I'm pretty sure this product is not for me simply because of my inherent clumsiness. Like, what if I accidentally turned on the app with my friends in the car when I meant to play that new Kendrick Lamar joint?

In my experience with vibrating devices, they only go off at the wrong time.