Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 1, Episode 4 of HBO's "Girls," entitled, "Hannah's Diary."
It was only a matter of time before Adam sent Hannah a picture of his disgusting junk, but some people really need to learn sexting etiquette. Upon receiving the grossest text message of her life, Hannah responds in the only way that seems apropos: "Oh my god. Oh my god!"
Charlie, of course, has an inappropriate response. "I feel like I can smell it through the phone." Ew. Let's not say things like that, Charlie. It's making whatever sympathy I feel toward you diminish at a rapid pace. However, the fun at Adam's expense doesn't last long because she gets another text -- and sadly, for Hannah, it's not "his asshole wearing a friendship bracelet." Nope. It's much worse.
"SRY that wasn't for you." First of all, like Hannah, I really hate grammatically incorrect text messages. Who doesn't have time to spell "sorry" correctly? It's only two extra letters? Does that really save you that much time? Second of all, what a sleazeball.
Of course, that doesn't stop Hannah from sending Adam an X-rated photo of her boobs, against Marnie's advice. Are Hannah and Marnie actually best friends? Sure, they can have fun dance parties, but do they actually listen to one another? Despite last week's hug, their relationship seems very superficial. Marnie can give Hannah hollow advice, but Hannah doesn't listen. Meanwhile, it doesn't seem like Hannah can offer anything to their friendship -- except for, perhaps, a bath-for-two and the soundtrack.
Meanwhile, at some point -- between Googling "the stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms" and dancing to Robyn -- Hannah got a job. Unfortunately, her boss sexually harasses her. Well, not just her ... he does it to all of the ladies in the office.
Speaking of the ladies, Hannah's co-workers are great. While I can't say that penciling Hannah's eyebrows was completely necessary (think Pamela Anderson), I can say that I appreciate these women and their attitudes. They completely condone their boss' inappropriate "massages," yet bash Adam for accidentally sending Hannah a photo of his manhood. Of course, putting up with their boss' naughty behavior means job security -- and an iPod Nano on your birthday -- and "that's a hella different."
With a little encouragement from her sassy co-workers, Hannah decides to break it off with Adam. I'm not quite sure if you can breakup with someone that you were never really seeing, but I'm too proud of Hannah to judge. Of course, being Hannah, she forgives him and then they have sex.
The problem here isn't Adam -- although he is a weirdo. The problem is Hannah. Despite being a writer, Hannah has no clue how to communicate what she wants to Adam. Clearly, she wants him to be her boyfriend, even if she doesn't say it.
Hannah: I'm not asking you for anything. I'm really not asking you for anything. I've never asked you for anything, and I don't even want anything. I respect your right to see and do whoever you want. I don't even want a boyfriend.
Adam: What do you want?
Hannah: I just want someone who wants to hang out all of the time, who thinks I'm the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me. And it makes me feel very stupid to tell you this because it makes me sound like a girl who wants to, like, go to brunch. And I really don't want to go to brunch, and I don't want you to sit on the couch while I shop or even meet my friends. I don't even want that.
Her attraction to Adam's "charm" (Were those bicycle kicks supposed to be charming?) seems to be the main reason she's putting up with all his weirdness. Let's face it: It's not due to the intellectual conversation or amazing sex.
In the end, Hannah let herself be treated like monkey meat without ever questioning it. She wants to feel needed, so she'll put up with Adam's dbag behavior. However, just because they're sleeping together doesn't mean she can count on him for anything real. I mean, he didn't even jerk off to her sext!
Sure, you could have a problem with the show's unbelievability -- and with Hannah's obsession with eating cupcakes in her bathroom -- but this desperate situation is something that a lot of girls can relate to.
Watching Hannah give in to Adam's temptations and second guess her judgement was more painful than watching that awkward couch sex scene in the pilot episode -- because this was real. "I care about you, and I don't want to anymore because it feels too sh---- for me."
Speaking of awkward situations, Shoshanna almost lost her v-card to a cute boy she met at Jewish camp (played by "Spring Awakening" star Skylar Astin). Unfortunately for Shosh, when she told her cute Long Island Jew that she was a virgin, he immediately put the breaks on that hook up, and we were all spared another awkward sex scene.
It was almost as bad as watching Shoshanna struggle to strut in her heels, i.e. watching Bambi learn how to walk. Fact: New York City streets are incredibly uneven. You will fall. It's only a matter of time.
Although, seeing Shosh's face when Matt went down on her was priceless. "Um ... wow ... um ... OK." The ladies can't help you now, Shoshanna.
Meanwhile, Jessa is trying to unionize the nannies after finding out how little they make. Wait, how much money is Jessa making? Or does money just mean nothing to Jessa? I'm inclined to go with the latter, considering that she's mooching off her 22-year-old cousin, who's mooching off her parents.
As for Kathryn Hahn's adorable, yet absurdly privileged kids? Well, little Beatrix and Bella are still adorable. That is, until they intentionally run away. Thankfully, all of the actual nannies mobilize to find them, proving that there are responsible people on this show -- however, none of them are the main characters.
The girls' stoner father looks like he's still in hot pursuit of Jessa, which makes me uneasy. Does every plot line in this entire show have to revolve around sex? Can we not just have one dedicated to growing up?
Ray and Charlie -- who are now a band called Questionable Goods -- are working on their new song. It's pretty much about following a girl in Keds. (The lyrics include: "Where are you going in those Keds?") Unlike Hannah and Marnie, I can actually believe that Ray and Charlie are best friends. Ray is trying to protect his bro, and he thinks he can do better than Marnie. Honestly, he can.
The best line of the episode goes to Ray for his Millennial observation: "It's not adult life if your parents still pay for your Blackberry." That pretty much sums up these girls (who are not yet women).
However, Ray gets sneaky and finds Hannah's diary, and it pretty much details Marnie's diminishing feelings for Charlie. Despite Ray's best attempts to keep it away from Charlie, he reads it anyway. Upon reading her innermost thoughts, Charlie realizes that Marnie wants to break up with him.
In a very public f--- you, Charlie sings Hannah's diary to the very hipster crowd at a very hipster bar in Brooklyn. "What is Marnie thinking?/ Aw-ahh/ She needs to know what's out there/ Aww-ahh/ How does it feel to date a man with a vagina?" Such sweet poetry.
Marnie is mortified, so she throws her drink in Hannah's face and runs after Charlie. Obviously, Marnie has never heard of the phrase "hoes before bros" ... or in this case, ladies before bros with vaginas.
"Girls" airs Sundays at 10:30 p.m. ET on HBO.
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