Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 1, Episode 8 of HBO's "Girls," entitled, "Weirdos Need Girlfriends Too."
You can take the boy out of the apartment, but you can't take the weirdo out of the boy. Oh Adam. One minute, I think you're the most vile man on the face of the earth, and then the next, I actually start to sympathize with you. But then you go and pull one of the most inappropriate -- and disgusting -- acts that I have ever seen on TV, which makes me hate you even more than I hated you after you made Hannah cry on your toilet seat.
It's almost too repulsive for words -- almost -- but let's just say that Adam pulled a Nicole Kidman and peed on Hannah in the shower. Before I get into the gruesome details, let's go back to happier times.
Hannah thought that life with a boyfriend was going to be all (safe) sex, cinnamon rasin swirl peanut butter and vintage home movies; but the more she gets to know Adam, the more she starts to realize -- finally! -- that it just might not work. Of course, that doesn't mean that Hannah acts on those feelings. She's fully prepared to go down with the symbolic ship. (You know, the one Adam went scrapping for wood in the middle of the night to build.)
For a second, it does look like the two are happy. I mean, she even got him out of his apartment! He made her go for a run, -- "Endorphins don't work on me" -- she made him try ice cream -- "It's like sweet mucus" -- and he even offered her BFF Marnie some sage advice. "Do what makes you happy." Woah, Adam. So deep.
Of course, then his sister calls and he answers the phone like this: "Yo, skank. Where you at? Getting that pussy pounded?" Yep, same old Adam.
Hannah also accompanies Adam to his tech rehearsal. Adam says he's really good at acting and writing, and you know what? I have to agree. He may be a total psychopath, but I'd pay $7 -- and go to Brooklyn -- to see his play. Unfortunately for Hannah, Adam has a total meltdown, over creative differences, and storms out of tech. "It's for the best," he says. "I really need to focus on building my boat."
Meanwhile, Hannah tries to do some damage control. She doesn't want Adam to give up on the play. However, Adam isn't in the mood to listen. Did I mention that he also has serious anger problems? This week, he legit scared me -- and Hannah.
When they get back to Adam's place, Hannah retreats to the shower, which is probably a good move because it looks like she hasn't washed her hair in weeks (not to mention that she probably needed some time to clear her head, away from Adam). But he just wouldn't leave her alone. And now, it's time to talk about that vile, aforementioned scene.
How could Adam think that peeing on Hannah was funny?! I've tried to give Adam the benefit of the doubt, but he just went too far this week. I'm sorry, Hannah, but he's disgusting. Why would you stay with someone who pees on you and thinks it's funny? It's not like this was in a sexually adventurous way either. If "Fifty Shades of Grey" has taught me anything, it's that those acts requite consent.
The sad thing is that Adam actually says some meaningful stuff after the shower scene, but I just couldn't bring myself to care. "I'd rather do nothing for the rest of my life than have my name attached to something mediocre." OK, Adam. That's incredibly self-righteous, but I guess that's the point. Adam's never had to do anything he didn't want to do. He doesn't work on anything other than his abs and his imaginary boat.
How could Hannah stay with Adam after that? Is she that desperate for love? Or is her desire for a great story blinding her judgement? I just wish that, for once, Hannah would listen to her friends.
"What's the deal with that guy? Is he like a great thinker or just a total fucking idiot?," asks Jessa, before adding, "That type of person would masturbate in front of anyone." Yes, Jessa, yes he would. Meanwhile, Marnie just thinks he's a total weirdo, saying, "Maybe she just doesn't realize how bizarre he is." No, I think she does. I mean, she must realize that Adam's a weido, but maybe she likes it. After all, Hannah must have an abundance of material for her memoir.
In my opinion, however, it's not worth the effort to date Adam. He's too emotionally taxing. You're not Adele, Hannah, and this isn't heartbreak; it's just plain weird. I don't care how many "SORRYs" he paints on a brick wall, he's never going to change.
If you're considering breaking up with him (and you really should), hopefully, this list of Adam's pros and cons will help you make your decision.
Adam's Pros & Cons List
|He likes books.||He doesn't like to wear shirts.|
|He doesn't drink.||He plays with your fat.|
|He makes you run.||He makes you run.|
|He has crazy/disgusting sexual fantasies.|
|He gave you HPV.|
|He doesn't call you back.|
|He sexted you a picture of his penis, and then said it wasn't for you.|
|He spells sorry, "SRY."|
|He says things like, "Hold your roll."|
|He doesn't like ice cream.|
|He PEED ON YOU IN THE SHOWER.|
After the "best party ever," the girls all ended up in very different places ... you know, emotionally. With Hannah and Adam together, Marnie is having a tough time, especially after coming face to face with Charlie, who was literally face to face with some new girl only two weeks after they split.
Marnie is really sad. So sad, in fact, that she's listening to Demi Lovato's "Skyscraper" on repeat. She's upset because while Facebook stalking Charlie, she found out that he went to Rome with his new girlfriend Audrey. "He was making all these wishes at those overrated fountains." She claims that she's never been this miserable in her life. Of course, Hannah's crazy loud sex with Adam isn't helping matters.
Even though I want to criticize Marnie for acting sad and pathetic, I can't. This is a normal post-breakup reaction. Who hasn't Facebook stalked an ex? Sure, on one hand, she didn't love him, so staying with him wasn't really an option; but on the other hand, he's Charlie -- good-looking and a total catch for any girl in the market for his kind of "smothering love."
Honestly, after four years with Marnie, it makes sense that Charlie would move on to a total free spirit like Audrey. But that doesn't mean he's not missing Marnie. He's too sensitive not to still have feelings for his first love.
Marnie's misery has less to do with missing Charlie as it does with seeing that he's found happiness so soon after their break-up. Thankfully, she had Jessa to break her out of her pity party. She reminds Marnie that she's young, smart, beautiful, single and employed, which means that she could get any guy in New York City. She's finally being the friend that Marnie needs. While Hannah's off with her psycho boyfriend, Jessa is there to make fun of Audrey. Now, that's a good friend.
In an effort to help Marnie "get out of her own head," the two embark on a girls night out, where they pick up an attractive, middle-aged businessman (guest star Chris O'Dowd). Marnie is interested, but Jessa is skeptical. However, Marnie convinces her free spirited friend to go back to the man's upscale Brooklyn apartment. Of course, he's hoping for a threesome. Things then go from bad to worse when he starts acting creepy -- as all of the men on this show do.
He's one of those middle-aged men that wants to be hip. He goes out in Brooklyn and tries to impress much younger ladies with his gorgeous apartment and amateur DJ skills. In an effort to escape their awkward situation, Jessa proceeds to make-out with Marnie. Unfortunately for him, he wasn't invited, which makes him really cranky. Then, when Marnie accidentally spills wine on his $10,000 rug, he really blows up. (Note: O'Dowd is absolutely brilliant in this scene.)
"Do you even know what it's like to work hard? I've been under a lot of pressure to succeed. Daddy didn't buy me this rug or this apartment or this nose. That's not your fucking nose [pointing to Jessa]. No cartilage in the world is that exquisite! So it kind of ticks me off when I come to Williamsburg after working hard all fucking day in the real world, and I see all of these stupid little daddy's girls in their stupid fucking bowlers hats ... and then you come over and you flirt and flirt and flirt and kiss and kiss and kiss and you listen to my amazing tunes, drink my beautiful wine and then spit all over my gorgeous rug and laugh at me!"
For all of you "Girls" haters, Lena Dunham just wants you to know that she gets it. In case you had your doubts, I think this scene proves that she's in on the joke.
"Girls" airs Sundays at 10:30 p.m. ET on HBO.
Follow Crystal Bell on Twitter: www.twitter.com/newyorkbell