Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 1, Episode 5 of HBO's "Girls," entitled, "Hard Being Easy."
The aftermath of "Hannah's Diary" results in Charlie breaking up with Marnie -- and taking his Restoration Hardware-knockoff coffee table with him. Meanwhile, Hannah once again proves that she's clueless when it comes to her best friend.
She asks Marnie if she would have liked her essay had it not destroyed her relationship -- "like, as a piece of writing" -- and Marnie proceeds to give her the same "f--- you" look that I gave my television after watching this scene. I find myself going back and forth between loving Hannah and wanting to smack her head into a wall on a weekly basis.
Marnie doesn't have time to deal with Hannah because she's on a mission to win Charlie back ... but first she needs to find his apartment. Yes, you read that correctly. She's been dating Charlie for four years and has never seen his apartment. It's not that poor, sensitive Charlie hasn't offered -- she could just never be bothered to come over.
After begging Ray for his address, Marnie heads to Charlie's Bushwick apartment. It's kind of like Narnia. Marnie goes through an old, decrepit door and enters into a Target catalog. "You built all of this?" Yes, Marnie, he did. Had you had just the slightest interest in Charlie's life -- outside of his hair -- then you would have known that.
On a side note, I really want Charlie to decorate my next apartment. Although, I could do without the lofted bed. Also, why are Charlie and Adam both so crafty? Is this, like, a thing among male Brooklyn youth?
In one of the more mature scenes we've seen in "Girls" thus far, Marnie and Charlie sit down and actually discuss their relationship. Unfortunately, it doesn't have a very mature outcome, but at least we get to enjoy a college flashback of when the two first met.
Marnie, sporting blunt bangs and a headband (Zooey Deschanel, is that you?), is stuck to a pole after eating a pot brownie. She's too scared to move for fear that her heart will drop through her vagina. Hannah tries to keep her BFF company, but then Elijah (hello again, Andrew Rannells) comes over, and the Scissor Sisters start to play, and all they want to do is take their mamas out all night. Hannah, girl, your boyfriend compliments your makeup and likes the Scissor Sisters. How did you not know he was gay?
So Elijah enlists his friend Charlie to watch over Marnie while he and Hannah go dance. Too dazed and confused to move, all Marnie wants is a hug, and Charlie, being the nice guy that he is, hugged her. For such a truly awful relationship, it's nice to see that at one point, what Charlie and Marnie had was really sweet.
After Marnie pleads with Charlie not to break up with her, the couple decides to give their relationship another try. (UGH.) Of course, they end up having sex in Charlie's lofted bed, and once again, it's painful (there's only a couple of feet between the bed and the ceiling) and awkward (Charlie talks SO MUCH during sex). This time, after working so hard to win him back, it's Marnie who tells Charlie that she wants to break up. While I'm happy that she finally admitted it to herself, talk about bad timing.
Charlie is obviously crushed, and even though Marnie did the right thing, it was still nice to see her smack her head against Charlie's ceiling. Karma's a bitch, Marnie.
Meanwhile, Hannah -- who's wearing an Urban Outfitters dress with jeans -- endures more massaging at the touchy-feely hands of her boss, Rich. Jessa tells her to just sleep with him "for the story." OK, now we're entering "Fifty Shades of Grey" territory.
But poor, sweet delusional Hannah can't sleep with her boss because she's got a boyfriend. Wait, WHAT?! Did I miss the part in last week's episode where Adam told Hannah that he wanted to be in a relationship? Did he slip that in before or after he slipped his penis into her vagina?
Looks like Hannah interpreted Adam's words of encouragement -- "Be who you are" -- as, "I want to be your boyfriend." Oh, and he touched her face. I once read in Cosmo that when a guy you like touches your face, that means he loves you. Obviosuly, Hannah read this issue too. It went a little something like this:
Cupping your partner's face in your hands is a sign of strong feelings. It's not something you decide to do; it just happens with an outpouring of emotion. Often experienced in private, this sexy smooch style is an ultraromantc way to connect and tune out the world.
Oh boy, Hannah and Adam are getting ultraromantic now. "Guys like that will do anything once, even love," Jessa warns Hannah. Did Jessa just become the voice of reason on this show? We're all doomed.
But we all know that Hannah loves a good story, so if you thought she was going to pass up the chance to humiliate herself once again, then you are sadly wrong. She offers herself (sexually ... ewww) to Rich -- "I said you could fuck me" -- and when he refuses her offer, she replies "I could sue you, you know."
Oh Hannah, one step forward and two steps back. The best part of this entire scene is watching Rich laugh at Hannah's threats. He turns bright red and kind of looks like Santa Claus. Although, I don't really want to think of Santa as some guy who inappropriately touches women.
And yet, even after all of that, he still wants her to stay! Hannah was not amused, and once again, she's jobless. I'm sure that after she left that office, she headed straight to the nearest cupcake shop.
Once again, Hannah ends up at Adam's door, and once again, he's shirtless and playing with his wood. That's not a metaphor for his manhood -- he was actually building something. Unfortunately for her, he didn't get the relationship memo. He just slept with her because he thought that was what she wanted ... because she seemed sad. Oh, what a nice, charming guy.
Heartbroken, Hannah (sans cupcake) cries in his bathroom. When she comes out, she finds Adam masturbating on his bed. She hasn't even left yet, and he's masturbating. What about this is supposed to be charming?!
Hannah then proceeds to do the smartest thing that she's ever done. Adam asks her to stay until he's finished. He wants her to tell him a story, and she does, plating into his sexual fantasies, before taking $100 from Adam's drawer. Hey, being in a pseudo-relationship with Adam is hard work. It's about time she got some kind of reward for putting herself through that. Plus, think of all the cupcakes she can buy!
Not to mention that for the first time in this relationship, she was the one in control. This is entire episode is about the girls, sans Shoshanna, using sex to take control of their lives. Marnie breaks up with Charlie, Hannah turns her awkward situation with Rich into her advantage and Jessa sleeps with her ex to prove that she cannot "be smoted."
Speaking of Jessa, things between her and her bearded, married employer have finally reached a point that made me truly uncomfortable this week. It's obvious that he's attracted to her, and it's disgusting. He walks in on her in the bathroom as she's getting ready to go out. "Wow, you look fancy," he says, but judging from the way he looked her up-and-down, I'm pretty sure that he was thinking, "Wow, I so want to bang you right now." If I rolled my eyes any harder, I'm pretty sure I'd be blind.
She says she's meeting a friend, to which he replies, "Oh, a boyfriend?" Ugh. This storyline makes me so uncomfortable. I'd rather see Hannah hook up with her boss.
Despite the build-up, I don't think Jessa is going to sleep with him. Maybe I'm holding on to false hope, but this could be just what Jessa needs to finally take some responsibility for her actions. We know that she's a drifter, but up until recently, she's never had to account for anything. She does whatever she wants, sleeps with anyone she wants (this week, she sleeps with her ex-boyfriend, who is the definition of a hipster) and lives her life without consequence.
We've only just started to see her grow up, and I'd hate to see her regress by sleeping with him. She's spent enough time with Beatrix and Bella to hopefully know better than that.
But then again, I always think that these girls know better than that, and they consistently prove me wrong. Oh, and in case you're wondering, Shoshanna is still a virgin.
"Girls" airs Sundays at 10:30 p.m. ET on HBO.