Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 3, Episode 17 of Fox's "Glee," entitled "Dance With Somebody."
Just when you think this Whitney Houston tribute of "Glee" was going absolutely nowhere, Burt Hummel appears onscreen and makes everything better. Well, not everything. Even Burt couldn't fix Mr. Schue and his weird obsession with his glee club.
Mr. Schue is absolutely the worst character in the entire show, and honestly, I wish that he was the one graduating and leaving. He's just so creepy. Who would rearrange their entire wedding for their students? Excuse me, but you're supposed to be in love with your soon-to-be-wife, Schue, not your students. This entire situation is just disgusting. and I'm pretty sure that it "Glee" operated in the real world, he would be fired.
Where is Emma's "So You're Marrying A Psycho" pamphlet? She's going to need it.
However, Schue's not the only one having a hard time letting go. The entire glee club is struggling with the realization that in 42 days, school will be over -- and for some, that means moving away and starting anew. Unable to deal with their true feelings, they try to help Mercedes say goodbye to Whitney Houston.
Cue "How Will I Know," one of the best covers the show has ever produced. Sure, it may have been a tad bit dramatic, but after Mercedes' post-graduation confession last week, it also makes sense. She idolized Whitney, so Rachel, Kurt and Santana join her for an a cappella version of the Whitney classic. It was so chilling, it reminded me of this.
While the diva troupe sang their hearts out for Whitney, Mr. Schue gave them longing stares from across the hall. You see, he was really sad his BFFs in the glee club didn't invite him to be a part of the a cappella Whitney tribute.
He obviously really wanted to use his falsetto again. Sorry, Schue, but it was Kurt's turn this week.
In reality -- or "Glee"-ality -- Will is once again worried about his students, and he has a hard time believing that they're still upset about Whitney more than two months after her death. So he turns to Emma, who tells Schue all about how Princess Diana's death affected her in 1997. It was more than just being sad about Diana's passing, it was realizing that her childhood was over -- or so her pamphlet says. Will connects the dots: "Whitney is their Diana." Yeah, totally.
I don't quite remember manifesting my graduation sadness into idolizing a dead celebrity. Oh, wait, Anna Nicole Smith's had a profound effect on my 17-year-old self.
Thanks to Emma's almighty pamphlets, Schue gets an idea: It's time for Whitney week. Mercedes, Rachel and Kurt couldn't be more excited. Sure, Mercedes idolizes Whitney, but Kurt and Rachel have N.Y.A.D.A. auditions to prepare for, and Whitney songs are, like, so in right now -- and so much more apropo than Adele.
Brittany is the first to show her Whitney love with a autotune-heavy cover of "I Wanna Dance With Somebody." It isn't long before her girlfriend Santana joins her for a sweet duet, although, sadly for Britanna fans, there was no celebratory kiss.
I know I should have been watching Brittany get her groove on in her Cheerio costume, but my eyes were totally transfixed on Blaine. Yes, he's attractive, but has anyone ever noticed how much his eyes sparkle? Seriously! He has sparkly eyes; they're distracting.
Here's just a small exchange between my roommate Jewlie and I during this Whitney dance tribute:
Me: "Blaine's eyes are always twinkling! It's unnatural!"
Jewlie: "I know. It's the spark of God. This is so going on my gym playlist."
Me: "Oh, look, they just moved to the auditorium. That was unexpected."
Jewlie: "They apparated. This is also Hogwarts. Didn't you know?"
Me: "That would totally explain Blaine's sparkly eyes. Cedric Diggory's eyes sparkled too."
Meanwhile, Kurt, who now has a Whitney Houston shrine in his locker, is getting weird vibes from Blaine, who's being unusually quiet. (But at least his eyes were still sparkling!) Since his boyfriend can't accompany him to Between the Sheets, the local music store, (yes, really) to choose the perfect Whitney song, Kurt decides to go solo.
Enter Chandler, a North Lima High student who, like Kurt, is New York City-bound with admittance to NYU's prestigious (shameless alumni plug!) musical theater program. After meeting in the diva standards aisle, the enthusiastic fellow fashionista (a.k.a. Kurt 2.0) begins sending Kurt cute flirty text messages and mapping out plans for them in New York.
Somehow, Kurt thinks this is totally OK, after telling Rachel that he thinks he and Blaine are suffering from "lesbian bed death" and that they've become a "fabulous" old married couple. I can't believe I'm saying this, but for once, I agree with Rachel: Kurt is being ridiculous.
You're being a sucky, selfish boyfriend.
Of course, it doesn't take long for Blaine to realize what's going on, especially with Kurt forgetting to delete the evidence -- or put his phone on silent. Needless to say, I'm 100 percent #TeamBlaine.
Cue "It's Not Right, But It's OK." At first Blaine is singing to the choir room, then as per usual, Blaine find himself inside of some kind of gay club -- complete with androgynous backup dancers dressed in leather! Then, suddenly, the glee club appears too, but they didn't get the all black memo. And is that Rubber Man? Oh, wait, wrong Ryan Murphy show. Apologies.
Kurt tries to apologize to Blaine -- in song! -- with "I Have Nothing," but when he sees that Blaine's still giving him the cold shoulder, he turns to Emma for couples' counseling -- because that worked out so well for Mercedes and Sam.
After Kurt confesses that he sang the Whitney song to express his regrets, Blaine admits that he's been distant because he knows that Kurt can't wait to get out of Ohio to be in New York.
Poor Blaine is just trying to practice what life would be like without Kurt. "New York is the only thing we talk about now, Kurt. How is that supposed to make me feel?"
By now, Kurt and Blaine are obviously crying as they exchange their "I love you's." Rejoice, Klaine fans! Emma didn't even need to pull out one of her pamphlets. Although, are the Andersons really going to bankroll their son's every-other-weekend getaways?
But Blaine isn't the only one struggling with saying goodbye to Kurt. Back at the Hummel household, Kurt is marking all of his belongings with sticky notes so that he knows what he wants to take with him to New York and what he wants to stay back in Ohio. However, Burt interrupts his Post-It party, and the two have a father-son heart-to-heart. Burt just isn't ready to say goodbye to his only son.
(Cue Kurt's "I Want to Hold Your Hand" montage from Season 2's "Grilled Cheesus" episode)
Burt Hummel makes everything better, and once again, he reminds me why he's still my favorite TV dad. "I'm going to miss you, Kurt. I'm going to miss you a lot." Watching the emotional exchange between Kurt and his father makes me believe that "Glee" has something more to offer than mediocre pop hits. This is why I love "Glee." I just wish it happened more often.
Meanwhile, back at McKinley, Quinn and Teen Jesus are growing closer than ever, especially since he's now accompanying her to physical therapy. I honestly thought that his magical Teen Jesus powers were going to cure Quinn.
When Teen Jesus starts to feel tingly sensations in his nether region, he goes to Sam for some advice. Sam encourages him to be a new kind of Christian. Joe ultimately must decide if he wants to be closer to God or closer to Quinn. Obviously, he wants to be closer to Quinn.
This exchange between Jewlie and I also happened:
Me: "Oh my god, his hair. What happened?"
Jewlie: "I know. He looks like Scary Spice."
While in physical therapy, Joe finally tells Quinn that she's beautiful, and although she doesn't see it for herself, she can borrow his eyes so that she can see what he sees. (Blah, blah, blah, sappy crap)
"And what would I see?," asks Quinn. "Perfection," says Joe, to which both Jewlie and I say -- in unison -- "Vomit."
Other random "Glee" thoughts:
"Whitney is their Diana."
-- Mr. Schue
"That hippopotamus brooch is amazing."
-- Kurt 2.0 (Chandler)
"And Quinn, you still dance in my dreams -- and you can fly and breathe fire."
"Come on, I'll let you hold one of my dreads for good luck."
"Is this about S-E-X?"
"Have you ever heard of lesbian bed death?"
"I don't know. I heard she's really pretty, but she doesn't shave her armpits."
-- Brittany, on Joe
"Wasabi is the new seafoam."
-- Mr. Lavender, the wedding planner
"Come on, we have to be heartless about this stuff. You've seen 'Hoarders.' This is how it starts."
"You and I be have been doing this dance for a decade. Starsky and gay Hutch."
"I want to make sure you guys all remember all of the broments we had together."
"Blaine, I sang you a song to express my guilt."
Follow Crystal Bell on Twitter: www.twitter.com/newyorkbell