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'Revenge' Recap: Rikers Island Prison Blues

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Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 1, Episode 17 of ABC's "Revenge," entitled, "Doubt."

After what seems like years of waiting, "Revenge" is finally back, and it's more delicious than ever. I'm not talking about your average run of the mill lies and deceit. Now we have affairs, vicious prison beat-downs, full-blown pill addictions, mysterious British lovers and even more back-stabbing.

Let's just say that after tonight's "Revenge," Victoria Grayson won't be getting a mother of the year award anytime soon.

First, she arranges to deliver a "message" to Daniel in Rikers Island. And we're not talking about the midnight love letters Daniel sends Emily. Nope. Instead, we're talking about a brutal prison beat-down. I probably would have felt more upset for Daniel if the prison fight had not looked so fake.

Seriously, it was probably one of the most hilariously bad fight scenes ever. Even Ryan Atwood threw more realistic-looking punches in Chino. Thank god that Daniel had just gotten out of the shower and was nearly naked because that's the only thing that held my attention.

Daniel, black-and-blue is definitely not your color.

Of course, the only reason Victoria arranges for her son's brutal beating is so that the judge would deem the prison too dangerous for Daniel and send him home on house arrest until his trial. Thanks to her master plan, Daniel was released with two broken ribs, a swollen eye, a couple fractures, and a few bruises ... on $10 million bail. Obviously, this was no big deal for the Graysons.

But Daniel wasn't the only Grayson affected by Hurricane Victoria. Charlotte also had to suffer her mother's wrath. Although, I'm not going to lie, when I saw Victoria slap Charlotte, I got a little too excited. Not to mention that Victoria really threw her entire body into that slap. It was everything I wanted it to be and more.

I mean, that girl totally deserved it (even if it was Declan who really lied). She was way too whiny this episode.

It all started when Victoria questioned Charlotte about that night on the beach. Was she sure it was a man she saw over Tyler's dead body? Could it have been a woman? More specifically, could it have been her half-sister Amanda Clarke?

But Charlotte didn't have any time to answer these super hard questions because it was the first day of orientation, and Declan was totally at the Graysons' McMansion to pick her up. However, Charlotte -- being the annoying person that she is -- decided not to go to school. She'd rather go to the beach, you know?

Oh Charlotte, what are we going to do with you? You find out one dirty little family secret, and you're already hitting the pills and cutting classes. What's next? Exploring your bi-curious side and getting wasted at a Hamptons cocktail party? Marissa Cooper did that act first -- and do you see where that got her? (RIP Marissa.)

Could you imagine if she knew everything her family has been hiding from her? She'd be like that girl with the dragon tattoo -- septum ring, mullet and all.

After failing to get any helpful information from her useless daughter, Victoria decides to take things into her own hands. She plans to frame Jack to get Daniel acquitted of Tyler's murder by telling the sketch artist everything "she knows" about the mysterious person on the beach. Ultimately, that leads to a very specific police sketch of a man that looks exactly like Jack.

You see, if Victoria wants to get back at Amanda Clarke for framing her son, she's going to go after the man that Amanda loves.

Speaking of men, Victoria meets up with an old British lover, and the two rekindle their hot 'n' heavy romance. He's an artist, and he says that she's his muse. He hasn't been able to finish anything since she left him broken-hearted and alone.

Victoria, I'm having a hard time keeping up with your lovers. Not to mention that this whole "talking to your husband while your British lover fondles you" thing was a little too "Days of Our Lives" for my tastes.

Meanwhile, following Emily's orders, Nolan goes out to find Mason Treadwell because if there's one person who hates Amanda just as much as Victoria does, it's Mason. After all, he believes that she's the one responsible for his devastating fire.

So Nolan finds Mason, and let me tell you, he was looking a little worse for wear. His clothes were wrinkled, his hair was disheveled and his signature bow tie was sadly missing. Not to mention that he was all, "Woe is me, I'll never write again!" Yeah, like that could ever happen.

Nolan then tells Mason that the Graysons suspect that Amanda is the one behind Tyler's murder and that they need his help to bring her down. It must have been quite the pick-me-up because just like magic -- the magic fairy dust that falls out when Nolan flicks his hair, obviously -- the old Mason returns, with his sweater vest, suit and a pretty red bow tie around his neck.

Mason has moved into Grayson Manor and agreed to write about his investigation on his new blog, The Treadwell Report, which Ashley has conveniently set up for him. Think "Gossip Girl" meets "All The President's Men."

His first target? Jack Porter. However, when Declan sees Mason questioning his brother, he goes after the reporter. And he was all like, "Yo, my brother didn't do anything. The Graysons made it all up." And then he was like, "There was actually never a hooded man. My girlfriend was so high off painkillers that she made the whole this up." Mason, like a boss, now has Declan exactly where he wants him.

Mason then goes to Charlotte to confront her about Declan's pill allegations. Of course, she's not happy that her boyfriend spilled her secret to a reporter because it landed on The Treadwell Report the next day. In rebellion, she tells Declan that he failed the Collins entrance exam and that he's just another "puppet" in the Grayson family play. Ouch! Charlotte does have a way with metaphors. Then she takes more pills.

If I were to take a shot every time Charlotte held a pill bottle in her hands in this episode, I would be too incoherent to even finish this sentence.

Charlotte's little addiction just totally screwed over Daniel because now his defense needs to find another argument. Looks like the Graysons are quickly becoming the most publicly maligned family in the Hamptons. Xoxo, Treadwell.

In the meantime, Nolan manages to convince Jack to go looking for Amanda in Canada. So Jack hits the road, Charlotte hits the pills, and Emily (in a brown wig!) hits the guy Victoria paid off to organize Daniel's beat-down. Really, really hard. She also takes an imprint of one of his keys. What's this mysterious key, and why does Emily need it? I have no idea.

But I can say that Emily was working that brown wig like she was Britney Spears circa 1999 -- you know, the "You Drive Me Crazy" era.

Notable Quotables:

Emily: "What do you want?"
Nolan: "World peace, but let's start small."

Nolan: "I wonder what kind of box he'll make you in wood shop."

Mason: "I don't know the slightest thing about blogs."

Charlotte: "You're just another puppet in the Grayson family play, and it's time for your exit."

Charlotte: "My father's a mass murderer. My sister is an arsonist. I guess the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?"

Mason: "Victoria, dear, all I did was report the truth. Once upon a time, it was all I cared about. Old habits, as they say."

"Revenge" airs Wednesdays at 10 p.m. ET on ABC.