When I was 26, I was working for a very well-known TV station. I loved being there. But, it was also a very stressful time in my life. I was dealing with my highest weight, wasn't dating and even though I loved working in TV, I wasn't at the department that I really wanted to be. I was miserable. This was also the year during which a TWA flight crashed and I had to be the one in my department to log footage of the crash and bodies that were found.
I had some time off, so my sister and I decided to take a trip to Colorado to visit some family. Once we got on the plane and were about 30,000 feet in the air, I began to get this tingling feeling at the top of my head. It began moving throughout my body and it felt like someone was choking me, so my breathing became a little funny. I unbuckled my seat belt and got up from my chair. My sister asked me where was I going and I was just as honest as I could be. I told her I was getting off the plane. Without really paying any attention to me, she first said okay, but then realized what I'd said. She asked me again and I told her again, calmly, "I'm getting off of this plane."
This was when the seatbelt sign was still on, so the flight attendant came over to me and asked me to be seated. I said "no" and began walking toward the exit door. She asked me what I was doing and I told her that I needed to get off the plane -- I couldn't breathe! Well, when the other flight attendants came over, my sister was in shock because if she could've snatched me up and thrown me back in my seat like my mom used to back in the day, she would have done just that! The flight attendants were trying to calm me down. They finally were able to get me back to my seat, and gave me a little oxygen, peanuts and wine to shut me up.
When we landed in Denver, I went to the emergency room and after the doctors checked me out, they came back to tell me that nothing was wrong with me. They told me that I was fine, but that when I got back home, I might want to go speak with a therapist. There was a possibility that I'd hada panic attack! I told them that they were the ones who had lost their minds, not me.
Eventually, I realized that I had so much on my mind that I had been holding in, and my body needed to release that stress in some way. Damn, couldn't I have just had a cocktail or sex or something?! I had to take my big behind on a plane and kirk out if front of strangers! Needless to say, I'm fine now, but back then, who knew!
I'd always been one to hold things in. I hated any type of confrontation, so I kept any thoughts to myself. If fact, growing up, in order to make friends, I would buy them little gifts (candy, cards, etc). I didn't know that holding in my thoughts and not standing up for myself caused so much trauma in my psychological and emotional life. Holding in my thoughts about people also meant holding in my fears, holding in my dreams. I didn't know this then, but I was apparently crying out desperately for attention.
When I was in my early 30s, I thought I was "in love" with a man. I catered to him and no matter what, was always there for him. He was, at the time, everything I thought I wanted. At first, it was a business relationship. Thenl one day, he told me that he wanted more from me. I was very good with helping others with their relationship problems, but when it came to me, I was naive. I didn't know that he just wanted to "befriend" me to get to the next level of his career. He knew that I was a virgin and he respected that. But, I'm going to tell you, if I would've thought more with my heart instead of my mind, I would've lost my virginity to this one man! I thought the sun rose and set around him. Anything he needed, he didn't even have to blink. I had it for him. He became my world. And of course, he knew that. Needless to say, I found out the hard way that he wasn't interested in me. I cried. I cried so hard that it reminded me of one of my favorite movies, "Something's Gotta Give" with Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton. I cried in the shower, at my desk, waking up, going to sleep. I can't tell you how many boxes of tissues I went through! Oh well, I'll have to tell you more about him one day.
Once I started on this journey, I realized that some of the things that I've been holding on to, I've got to let go. I can't blame others for things that have happened to me in the past. I've got to take responsibility, forgive, let go and move on. What good is it to hold on to past indiscretions? They are just fears that need to be released from my life so that I can move forward to the positive, beautiful life that stands before me. It's not healthy to hold on to negative things. They build up in your body and can cause major health issues. Let it go!
Today, when I have things I need to get off my chest, I do speak up (logically). But when I'm angry, I exercise or take it out on the punching bag in my extreme boxing class. I'm ready to accept great things in my life. I'm ready to accept great health, a great career, helping others in their lives and possibly being blessed with a great man. I'm not perfect. No one on this earth is. I know that I am working on me during this journey and there are still some things or issues that I must confront and deal with. Regardless, I know the most important thing that I must do in this lifetime, is to let it go! Let things, issues, people, work related issues, family or friends that are negative all go. And I say the same to you my beautiful friends -- let it go!
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