If single parenthood is a rough road, we're told to put on a brave face and "get over it." You know -- fake it until we make it. And if we can't manage to do that (to everyone else's satisfaction), we're saddled with disparaging clichés about bad attitude and poor judgment.
And then there's the guilt. You know -- guilt. If only I could have made the marriage work. If only I were better prepared when he (or she) left. If only I had a smarter lawyer, a more supportive family, had thought to insist on X or Y or Z in the visitation agreement. If only I had more patience, more energy, more something to give to my children.
Some of us swim in guilt, and we do ourselves no favors. We buy into the myth that life after divorce will sort itself out neatly: we'll forgive and forget, we'll co-parent civilly, we'll recoup our financial losses, we'll adjust to new neighborhoods. And naturally, there will be a love interest in due time -- as frosting on the post-divorce cake.
The kids? They're resilient, right? Everyone tells us it just takes time.
Some single mothers do manage to reconstruct a life with relative ease. And note I say relative ease. The many adjustments to a change in marital status are usually no picnic.
But in my book, those who put the pieces together in a year or two are doing well. Maybe they're lucky. Maybe they have a Next Partner-In-Waiting. Maybe they're drop dead gorgeous. Maybe they are fortunate in their cooperative exes, financial resources, stable jobs, close-knit families to assist with the load. And yes, a positive attitude helps with everything, but positive attitude alone won't cut it.
Women who find themselves mommy-tracked may struggle to regain their footing in the workforce. If you add worst case co-parenting scenarios, ongoing legal maneuvers, problems helping our children cope - we're living anything but a Happily Ever After Divorce. It's something else entirely -- a rough road, even a grueling one.
If post-divorce scenarios don't emerge as envisioned, it's understandable that friends weary of our troubles and drift away. Isolation makes our lives harder of course, and we begin to accept their judgment as the only possible point of view. We blame ourselves. We feel like quitters. We wallow in guilt.
As for the guilt? When it's excessive, not only is it pointless but it may deflect more complicated emotions that are brewing beneath the surface, and would do better to be examined in the light. When it's working "as designed," I think of guilt as a feedback system, a sort of moral compass that guides us soundly, and lets us know when we need to adjust course.
When guilt is functioning well, it reminds us to pay attention. For example, if I overreact with my kids, I feel guilty. Legitimate, I tell myself -- so I apologize and change the behavior. When I've had to refuse one my kids an opportunity because of insufficient funds, I feel guilty. This situation is trickier. Is it reasonable to allow myself to drift back to a time when there were two incomes to cover the parenting bases?
Comparing the present to the past is a self-destructive exercise. We should not judge our parenting by standards that no longer apply.
The worst of my own single parent guilt kicks in when I consider my own childhood. I recall dinners on the table without fail, laundry folded and put away in our dressers, rambunctious and memorable road trips to visit relatives at the holidays, and a home life that was far from picture perfect, but nonetheless felt secure.
Comparing the childhood I've given my kids to my own 1960s and 70s upbringing?
It's a slippery slope and I know it. Those were very different days. We all knew our place and it was this: kids towed the line, women stayed home, men provided income, mothers assisted one another in community, and divorce was uncommon.
Marketing guru, Seth Godin, provided a lovely parable a few years back that dovetails nicely to the single parent dilemma. He wrote of the distinction between a "diner egg" -- reliable, acceptable, perfectly edible -- and one he occasionally cooks for himself at home.
The extra pennies and minutes allow for a tastier free-range egg, better oil in the skillet, a perfectly crisped edge, and an eating experience that becomes special. Godin's lesson is about quality -- bringing something extra, when we can.
I liken Seth Godin's lesson to my parenting -- the ensemble of memorable moments created with my sons. They're different from those when I was growing up, but no less wonderful.
Guilt isn't the only element of the parenting compass, but it's proven to be an instructive one, as I've accepted that we all share the ability to create quality moments -- when we can. None of this diminishes the very real challenges that some of us face in our post-divorce lives -- from financial hardship that dogs us for years, to dealing with parenting responsibilities virtually alone.
Rough road or not, as I interact with my sons these days, for the most part, I feel pride. We have our rows, we have our worries, I've pushed them hard and feel guilty that I had to do so. And then I set aside that particular emotion, as I see the decent young men they are becoming.
As for life as a single mother, I'm reconciled to my measure of guilt. But I'm also utterly convinced of the wisdom of Seth Godin's egg.
A version of this column first appeared at Daily Plate of Crazy.
Follow D. A. Wolf on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BigLittleWolf
If a judge "sees fit" to let your ex stay in the family home with no change in circumstances, isn't the judge focusing on your children and their circumstances? Isn't that what you should (could) be focusing on? Be grateful there's enough abundance your kids can keep their same room, school, friends, etc., all while their world is literally falling apart.
The marriage didn't work, if it could have, you'd still be married. Feeling guilty, or maybe worse, angry, frustrated or vengeful isn't affecting your ex ... unless it's affecting you, which means it's affecting your children ... so then it will affect your ex through your children. Doesn't sound healthy or like a win in my book. Don't pretend to be mad at mom or dad and think your kids don't know it or feel it. Let it go and get on with gettin' on. Everyone will be all the better for it.
Just my two cents.
Half of parents are below average at parenting. Among other things, they are selfish/greedy and/or have serious personality issues if not full-blown disorders.
Below-average parents (and their children) experience challenges.
It is the selfish/greedy and personality-disordered parents who are more likely to initiate divorce filings -- fueled into "grass is greener" or "take him to the cleaners" thinking by a divorce lawyer (who wants to collect legal fees).
Every single parent who initiates a divorce filing in today's society knows that divorce is bad for children.
Good parents find a way to stick it out for the children in respect for the obligation that they accepted when they decided to have children.
The below-average parent initiates a divorce -- and may litigate the divorce to try to get control of the children, which harms the children further and reduces the financial stability of the divorcing household (with marital assets converted into legal fees to divorce lawyers).
Then post-divorce the below-average divorce-initiating parent claims to feel bad when the children manifest the predictable issues that children of divorce suffer.
I believe that most people don't take divorce lightly, though they may not fully appreciate how difficult it is to get back on their feet, not to mention how much damage may be caused to an ex-spouse, extended family, and of course children.
I also recognize that we have many different experiences of divorce. Some are more or less civil, and parents are attentive to doing everything they can to make the adjustments easier on their children. In some scenarios, divorce is unilateral and that's that, though it may drag out. High conflict divorces may leave tremendous damage.
But marriage may be untenable - due to emotional or physical abuse, substance abuse, or other reasons. What I might choose to do - "sticking it out" and trying everything I could imagine to make things better - well, that's what I would do (and tried). Is that right for someone else? I couldn't possibly say. Are my children better off or worse? I'll never know.
What I would hope is that we all honor marriage with everything we have in us - including honoring what is best for our
Thanks for reading and commenting, Kitch!
Kaline Klattermaser's Tree House by Haven Kimmel is about a third grader whose mother is unable to keep things straight the way his father had.But his father has left!The book tells the story of how the little boys neighbor helps him cope with his mother's forgetfulness,his father's absence,and a myriad of problems at school.
Or for a young adult audience:
The Day My Mother Left by James Prosek-When his mother leaves to live with another man,Jeremy has to learn to cope with the loss of his mother,his father's depression,the pity of friends and family, as well as his father's guilt when he remarries.
Your guilt might not be assuaged but your children will find great comfort knowing that others have had similar experiences.
I think that the antidote to guilt - which I also feel, routinely and sometimes in large doses - is integrity. If I've slipped on my integrity (snapped at my daughter because I'm overtired, for example), then my guilt is a reminder to make it right as best as I can, because snapping at her does't hold up to the integrity test. But if I feel guilty because I can't take her to Disneyland, as she's requesting, I work hard at letting that guilt go, because I haven't compromised my integrity. (It's not that I bought myself $1000 shoes instead of plane tickets, or that I don't care enough to take her, it's that I can't afford it, plain and simple, as much as I'd like to.)
But the truth is, whether it holds up to the integrity test or not, whether I "let it go" or not, guilt is part of the package. I long for the days of the perfectly cooked eggs, and my guilt at being unable to provide them with the same frequency is high. I'm working on it.
All that aside, it's hard not to long for those perfectly cooked eggs, as you say.