06/01/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

BREAKING: Rep. Boehner to Resign Amid Allegations

Wright on Health has heard from sources that do not wish to be disclosed that House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) plans to resign after allegations surfaced that Boehner had an inappropriate relationship with a male staffer. According to one source, the relationship in question began late one evening on Capitol Hill when the staffer mispronounced Boehner's last name and one thing led to another. The accusations come at a time when Boehner and his fellow Republicans are making plans to retake control of the House, hoping to capitalize this November on voter outrage over the passage of health care reform.

Learning of the allegations, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was quoted as saying "I'm from San Francisco. We see this sort of thing all the time. It's just such a shame that he felt he couldn't be open about it." Given the enmity between Boehner and Pelosi, it was no surprise that Boehner was outraged by Pelosi's suggestion that he was a closeted homosexual. An unverified report indicates that Rep. Boehner responded to Pelosi's remarks with some of his own. "I resent Speaker Pelosi's comments," said Boehner. "They are unfounded, untrue, and wholly offensive. I demand that she retract her statement immediately, lest I be forced to enlist in a Dick Armey style politics." To which Speaker Pelosi responded "Forced to enlist? From what I hear, you're already an officer."

And, in related news, Rep. Boehner and his wife will be traveling to Texas where they will join with Dick Armey to help their fellow Republicans out on the 2010 campaign trail. All events have yet to be scheduled, but tentative plans have Boehner visiting the Houston area, while his wife, Debbie, does Dallas.


Disclaimer: While I generally don't like Rep. Boehner, this entire post is written in jest. It is meant purely as satire and all of its contents are fictitious. In other words, this is a joke, meant for entertainment purposes only and should not be construed as fact or even alleged fact.

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