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ISIS Unveils new Global Death Ray in Fight Against Infidels

02/12/2015 03:21 pm ET | Updated Apr 13, 2015

Islamic State, the fundamentalist organization currently controlling large swathes of Iraq and Syria today unveiled its new weapon in the fight against those who would bring drinkable water, showers and actual education for women to the war torn region.

Speaking from their headquarters inside a hollowed out volcano near the Syrian city of Raqqah, a spokesman for the extremist group told us, "Me and the boys are really happy with this one. Originally we just wanted to use it to kill infidels, but as our philosophy has evolved it's become harder to separate them from the non-infidels, so we just figured we'd just blow everyone up. We think it's what Allah would want."

When probed further on their ground breaking idea the spokesman continued, "Look we totally came up with this one our own one and have absolutely not been watching Star Wars. I mean, with its underlying plot arc of good triumphing over evil that movie has to be heretical to us, right?"

When asked how they planned to get their new doomsday weapon into stable geosynchronous orbit, he said, "We're planning to use the boundless faith of the literally hundreds of people who share our pioneering manifesto of rape, murder and the subjugation of minorities, or indeed majorities for that matter, to simply will it into space."

Since beginning its initially unchecked advance across the region other recent ISIS technological innovations have included a really large box of ACME dynamite with a big plunger, capes to hold dramatically over the mouth whilst moving, and a new school to teach recruits how to laugh in a sinister fashion whilst stroking a cat.

A spokesperson for the US state department said, "Whilst we are not immediately concerned with this turn of events we are monitoring the situation closely and will get our regional allies to act the moment it starts to move upwards."

Dan Miles is the Cult Bestselling author of Filthy Still - A tale of travel, sex and perfectly made cocktails.

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