Keep the Kindergarten Cop Away From Our Schools

It’s November in California and, as it often happens, entertainment and politics are intersecting right in the heart of the November sweeps for, not just any election… but a “Special Election”. So here now, dear Huffingtonians, is my attempt to “rock the vote”… blog style.

First of all, I am glad this election is almost over. The phone calls soliciting my vote are practically driving me to go after Governor Schwarzenegger like... well... The Terminator. And perhaps because of his celebrity status, the other side seems to feel compelled to counter-attack using superstar fire-power as well. I come home to an answering machine full of pre-recorded pleas from all kinds of famous folks. So when my wife asks who called, I get to be blasé and say, "Oh no one. Just Warren Beatty." Although I actually still enjoy when real people call to discuss the various measures on the ballot... because I get to keep them on the line forever asking really stupid questions. "So how will this new bill about setting higher standards for education improve our chances of getting more of those really hot teachers who sleep with their students?" Or... "If I vote for this proposition to make drugs cheaper, how much will I save every month on weed?" And you know what? They never hang up on me! At worst, they offer to send me some literature, but I still get in 8 to 14 more questions before I let them go. I don't actually believe that my half-assed acts of civil disobedience are really making any difference, but it does give me the momentary delusion that I actually have a voice... even if it's just a smart-alecky one.

As for the man with the plan, I’d like to share an anecdote about a specific encounter I had with him a handful of years ago. I believe this totally unembellished account will give you all a bit of insight into his character. I was having lunch at Morton’s, a swank Los Angeles eatery, at the same time as the man who would be Governator. He and I both emerged from the restaurant at the same time, only to find a bit of a crowd standing there, waiting for the one sweating, harried valet to bring the people their cars. Arnold's giant Hummer… then a more unusual sight… was parked pretty much right smack in front of the place, but the small, red-vested Hispanic gentleman was attending to the patrons in the logical sequence of the line… which frustrated Arnold to no end. He grew angrier and more impatient as he began to shout at the valet to just give him his keys before helping anyone else. The enormous muscle-bound star finally physically intercepted the poor little guy and we bystanders froze in fear of what he might do next. I couldn’t help but think about a news report I had just read regarding steroid related rage. But instead of inflicting a violent action-sequence upon the frightened man, Arnold merely grabbed a set of keys from the valet stand and bellowed in his distinctive Austrian accent, “Don’t you speak English?” I swear to God, this is what he said to the valet! This man who has beaten the crap out of the English language more viciously than any bad guy in one of his movies… who pronounces the name of the state over which he governs closer to “cauliflower” than “California”… had the sheer audacity to say that line straight-faced to anyone!! I believe there’s still scar tissue on my tongue from biting it to keep from laughing. So he stiffed the valet, jumped in his assault vehicle and sped away, leaving a bloody wound in the ozone behind him.

My conclusion based on that one encounter… Arnold Schwarzenegger is a bully who doesn’t care about the little guy. And if you look at his propositions on the California ballot… specifically the ones relating to the rights of teachers… my take on him is solidly re-enforced. He doesn’t want to help education. He wants to blame and beat up on educators while continuing to savage the education budget. If you want to improve the system, start at the top, instead of opening your can of whoop-ass on those at the bottom, struggling to do their best with increasingly limited resources. I sincerely hope that he will be defeated and will not “be baaack”.