08/14/2013 05:53 pm ET

Stop and Frisk for Everyone! (A Helpful Guide From Your Friends at the NYPD of PR)

"I am not ordering an end to the practice of stop and frisk. The purpose of the remedies addressed in this Opinion is to ensure that the practice is carried out in a manner that protects the rights and liberties of all New Yorkers, while still providing much needed police protection." -Judge Shira Scheindlin

Question:) Thanks to the new court ruling, I'm delighted that stop-and-frisk is now an opportunity available to all New Yorkers, regardless of race. Still, I am shy by nature. How can I get over my bashfulness if I'm lucky enough to be selected?

Answer) If someone offers to stop and frisk you, remember it is an honor and a compliment, like a celebrity being stopped for an autograph. Enjoy your time in the spotlight! If you have the jitters, practice mindfulness. As you are patted down, visualize yourself being treated to a massage at the Canyon Ranch Spa. Feel your tension melt away as each part of your body is rubbed, caressed, and frisked.

Q) I'm looking forward to a nice frisk as much as the next New Yorker, but I'm worried that the procedure will start feeling routine and hum-drum now that it's going mainstream. What can I do to keep the excitement alive?

A) How about spicing things up so that you are the frisky one for a change? Initiating the action shows our police force that you still find them attractive and desirable. Even better, they're armed, so you'll always get what you're looking for. Tip: Instead of coming on too strong with your feelings of reasonable suspicion, try a sly old chestnut like, "Pardon me sheriff, is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Q) Like many type-A New Yorkers, I'm often in too much of a rush to enjoy a neighborly chit-chat or stop-and-frisk. Any advice to help busy folks like me from missing out?

A) Thanks to Bluetooth technology, it is now possible to be frisked while conducting a hands-free conference call with your arms pressed up against a wall. If you're not skilled at multi-tasking, simply send a group text that reads, "Can't talk, getting frisked." As for frisking friends and family, it only takes a moment out of your day, but it means the world to them. If time doesn't allow for a full-body cavity search, speed things up with a friendly "frisk bump" by bumping your fist against any part of their body that appears to be bulging. And as you rush off to the subway, please don't feel pressured to frisk everyone you run into. Sometimes a simple, "Good morning! Got any drugs or firearms today?" is all it takes to show someone you care.

Q) Although I rarely carry a concealed weapon or illegal drugs, I'd hate to show up empty-handed when I'm fortunate enough to get frisked. Any suggestions?

A) As a gesture of courtesy, offer a Tic-tac or Xanax from your valise while it is being searched. Since your host may be accompanied by a cuddly German Shepard, be prepared with some tasty dog treats, too. Forgot your green card at home? Give an I-Tunes gift card instead. And if you do earn your living as a professional gun-runner and drug-smuggler, maintain a sense of decorum. Ask politely if you may keep the tools of your trade in exchange for an alternative token of appreciation. A well-mannered officer will graciously accept a crisp $100 donation to the Police Benevolent Association, tax-deductible to the full extent of the law.

DAN ZEVIN is a finalist for the 2013 Thurber Prize for American Humor.