Recently, at my younger son's fourth birthday celebration, something a little distressing happened. As we were all singing "Happy Birthday" to him, his seven-year-old brother loudly inserted his own name at the end of the song. It was one of those moments that can really make a parent cringe. When asked why he did this, all that my elder son could utter was that he got "confused."
Later, when it came time for my younger son to open his gifts, our seven-year-old couldn't understand why there weren't any presents for him.
Was my son's confusion about birthdays and presents really his fault? I've been reflecting on this question ever since, and it's made me think about how my family and my generation of parents handle our kids' birthday parties and the presents that are such a big part of the experience.
When I was growing up, my birthday parties were held at my family's home, as were most of the birthday parties I attended back then. My parents would deck the basement with streamers, balloons, party hats and themed paper cups and plates. My mom always decorated the cake herself, and I can't tell you how excited I was every year to discover her newest creation: a fire engine, a policeman, a marshmallow alien space ship...
If the weather was permitting, there would be some games in the backyard, like pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey or freeze tag, and my dad would run those. At the end of the party, everyone would gather around, and I would open my presents in front of all the other kids. Likewise, when it came to other kids' parties, I would sit and watch the birthday boy or girl open up his or her gifts.
What made those parties meaningful was that my mom would usually take me shopping to buy a friend or classmate's gift, and there was something exciting about watching them open up what I had hand-picked for them. Perhaps it's just a failure of memory, but I can't ever recall a receipt being included with the gift. I also can't remember receiving a gift on my sister's birthday or anyone else's so that I wouldn't feel bad. It was her day, and that was it.
Now, birthday parties are more typically outsourced to kids' facilities like Gymboree, Chuck E. Cheese's, Bounce-U and The Little Gym. Cakes are supplied and decorated by Carvel, A&P and Shop Rite. It is expected that gifts are of a certain price range (in our area, usually $25 to $40) and that a receipt should be included for an easy exchange from where it was bought. No longer do children get to watch the birthday boy or girl open the gift from to them. This is partly due to time restrictions at these birthday facilities and also because parents don't want their kids enviously watching another child's bounty of toys. As a result, presents are usually stuffed into large garbage bags and dragged home, where they are opened with just one's immediate family around. A written thank-you note from the parents is usually the only acknowledgment of the gift.
It's easy to fall into this way of handling birthdays and presents. Life is certainly more hectic than it's ever been before, and I have to admit that it's a real temptation to just plunk down a few bucks to reserve birthday time at one of these facilities, especially when so often our kids would prefer to have their birthdays there anyway.
The problem is that by making these easier choices, we are in essence robbing our children (and ourselves) of the real value of birthdays and gift-giving: the recognition that it is an expression of how much we care about the people close to us. How do we care? We bake a homemade cake or take the time to hand-pick a present or make a birthday card from scratch or anything else that speaks of our desire to want to make someone feel special. Otherwise, birthday parties are just relegated to easily concocted, diversionary activities for our kids to pass the time, to stroke their little egos and to collect more unnecessary stuff.
The lesson learned for this parent is to take a little more time and a little more care when it comes to birthday celebrations and gift-giving. Then, maybe next year, for our younger son's birthday, our elder son will be a little less confused. That's my hope, anyway.
Dana H. Glazer is the award-winning director of the feature documentary, "The Evolution of Dad." To learn more about the project, please visit www.evolutionofdad.com.
Jessica Holmes: The Loot Bag Boycott
What a disappointing article based on a sad anecdote. Come back when you actually teach your seven year old proper behavior.
I think we are not unique in that cause & effect among parents of our generation.
There are teachable moments whether your child gets a big party or a simple, favorite dinner and cake. If you're doing it with thought and care a big party can be a good experience for your kids and their/your guests. Likewise, a 'simple favorite dinner & cake' can be a good or bad experience for them. It's about how and why you're doing it, & It's really about the parenting the other 364 days a year that will make the day a success or a failure.
The younger the age, the simpler and smaller the party. It can be fun to plan a theme, some simple activities, a candle-filled cake, etc. Having a child write out thank you notes afterwards can support the idea of gratitude for the gifts he received.
Some parties seem to be more about a materialistic expression of how much a family loves their child, rather than really thinking about what is suitable for a 4 or 5 year old. Children don't need so much stuff, just a fun day with family.
I have very fond memories of my childhood birthday parties- they were at home, with a few neighborhood friends and lots of family and my grandmother delivered the birthday cake from a great bakery near her house. It was nice to feel special for one day.
Keep it simple, save yourself the stress!
I was born in the 1960's and always had a small party at home for my birthday. My parents instilled in me the celebrating was for me but since I was the "host" it was my responsibility to make sure my guest had a nice time. I do not think I ever had more than 12 guests, not counting family, my mother was strict and I was permitted to have the same number of guest as the age I was celebrating.
I remember playing table games and back yard games and even though I received the first piece of cake I could not taste it until I or my mother served everyone a piece. Things were slower and more personal then.
I have a 5 year old and 3 month old granddaughters. It saddens me to here the 5 year old announce upon arriving through the door for birthday celebration or Christmas , "where are my presents?" Her mother told the family that we needed to buy gifts for her when her sister was born. I think too many families are over indulging children in material things, making special events competitions and short changing their children on manners, delayed gratification and proper age appropriate behavior.
That's how it works in our house, anyway.
I might think about another party for him when he is in his teens.....maybe.
Yesterday we had a Secret Santa gift exchange with my 10 yr old's cub scout den and 2 boys opened and immediately, thoughtlessly derided their gifts, but without coaching, they looked at the other boys, their friends, who may have been their Secret Santa and quickly changed tune "Oh, no, but I meant how much I'd always wanted this book, It's great!" (or whatever the gift was). They're not there yet, but I was happy they were learning to be gracious.
Chances are I'm further down the road age-wise from you, as I'm a grandma. What I recall was that family birthdays were modest affairs, and the only real birthday parties we had as kids in my family were at 10 and 16. My immigrant parents thought that was quite enough. Actually, we did not suffer at all. Our small family gathered for someone's day, sang the birthday song, enjoyed their selection for their birthday dinner, (homemade) and then it was time for cake, ice cream and a gift or two. What it taught us was that there is a bigger world, out there, and one of the greatest joys is to celebrate the essence of a person by being present to the fact that they are born onto this earth as the gift, itself.
I do believe that far too many parents have forgotten that the greatest gift they can give has absolutely nothing to do with presents that can be purchased, and is more a matter of Presence. How we reflect love back to our precious children is the gift supreme, the one that sustains the child in later life when challenges come long after the outsourced party has faded from memory.
Keep doing what you are doing as a dad, Dana.
Cara
http://raisingamazingdaugters.wordpress.com
We ended up inviting 10 kids for 4 hours, with a jumpy house, a movie, a cake, pizza, an existing ping pong table, and existing various toys and games. We asked for no gifts as our son will get plenty from family. We provided no goodie bags and the kids didn't miss it. My son got lots of great stuff and had a great time. We were lucky it didn't rain for the jumpy house.
I have to agree that in the 70s we didn't have gifts or goodie bags when we grew up. It was not until we were old enough to go an buy our friends' gifts ourselves in junior high that we got presents from other kids.