An Open Letter To Candy Spelling

Dear Candy,

As someone who has known of you for perhaps half my life, I paid special attention to your open letter to Paris Hilton.

Candy, I'm not worried about you. Quite the contrary. I'm impressed! My hat is off to you for your late-in-life reinvention as an alleged adulteress (with a Danielle Steel-style ex-con no less), a Mommie Dearest (did you really not tell Tori that Aaron had died?) and now as a neo-Ann Landers straight outta Holmby Hills for the Naked Vagina set. Somewhere, Madonna is taking notes.

Candy, we hardly knew ye. Death can be so liberating, can it not? What happened to that blank-eyed trophy wife who made Laura Bush look animated? What of life inside the biggest house in California with your $500 million husband Aaron where you holed up in that special room designed just for wrapping gifts? Also, did you ever actually use the bowling alley?

These past years have been an obvious roller coaster for you emotionally but it's time to find "a Candy" in between the diamonds, doll collections and blood feuds with Tori. I know she's there and I know she can be a good citizen.

It's time to get real, Candy. It's up to you to stop the madness of Paris Hilton.

You have opportunities, access and resources like few others. Your privileged life could not only work for your benefit - but for the world.

I'm an American living in Europe. Candy, do you know what it's like to look over the Atlantic Ocean at your country during the fourth year of a hopeless war, when the dollar is worth about as much as the Mexican peso, when everyone in the world hates us - and see Larry King devoting half his show to whether Paris Hilton goes to jail?

It's up to you to wake up America, Candy. Tell them Paris Hilton is not real. Tell them how she got here. (You know the story. "Cue the darkness," Karl Rove whispered in late 2003 when he leaked Paris' porn tape, "1 Night in Paris," onto the Internet.)

Let them know she is just our waking dream, our long convenient nightmare. We've all swallowed one big Ambien tablet and we're passengers as Paris sleep-drives us through the ever-darkening night.

Go on Hannity & Colmes and let freedom ring. Tell Bill O'Reilly you've got one hell of a talking point. Flirt with Anderson Cooper - you might remind him of his mother, and I mean that in a good way. True, Katie Couric said last week that Paris Hilton didn't belong on the CBS Evening News - but wait when you tell her Paris Hilton was all made up.

Rosie O'Donnell will love this. Don't bother with Jon Stewart. He already knows.

Candy, you are a woman who can add more to her community than establishing new definitions for the slow, sad, downward spiral of the United States.

Good luck.

Best,
Dana Kennedy