04/08/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

Things I Never Want to Hear a Man Say

In honor of Valentine's Day and the sweet nothings that will no doubt be tossed to and fro between lovers, I'd like to present a list of things I never want to hear a man say. Because, really--what woman would?

"Just Google me."

"Boy, you sure are an expensive date."

"You can stay the night, but you have to bring your own sheets."

"That can't be dog shit on the carpet--I don't even have a dog."


"Yeah, can you believe it? Bob and I, rooming together for 12 years now. Thought I would've gotten sick of him after junior year of college, but no siree!"

"Can you pass me the plunger?"

"Oooh, Mommy...just like that."

"Looks like Kate Bosworth's been inhaling some burgers...better slow down there Blue Crush."

"How much did your purse cost?"

"Can't see you tonight. It's Mahjong night with the boys."

"It's so hard to believe sometimes that you are only two years older than my daughter. You are so...mature."

"Sorry babe--last roll."

"I know! I couldn't believe I had to pay extra to get my phone encrusted. Aren't crystals just part of the standard package by now?"

"You kind of have to be a member, but I used to sleep with the hostess, so it's all taken care of."

"Yeah, I was in AA for a while. I really liked it. It was really therapeutic and shit, but I'd always get so high that I'd forget to go."

"I'd love to do a body shot from your earhole."

"I wax my knuckles once every three weeks."

"Hey, are we both wearing Sevens jeans?"

"You mean you don't remember making out with your doorman last night?"

"Woman, stop."

"I've always wanted to try it in a McDonald's bathroom."

"Let's invite your dad over to come chill with us."

"Where'd you really go to school?"

"Just remember, I'm your boss."

"Forgot my toothbrush. Used yours."

"'s so cold in here. Why don't we ask your roommate to come and join us?"

"Well Jane, you know, my MySpace friend, she..."

"The men in my family, we got Super Sperm. Go through everything. Everyone--dad, Uncle John, Brother Billy, Brother Adam--six kids, each. Minimum.

"I'll have the grilled tofu salad."

"Is that really your real nose?"

"Ugh, I feel so fat. I could just hurl!"

"Did you even bring any money out tonight?"

"Don't drink from the Snapple bottle! I pissed in there last week."

"I didn't really find you attractive when I first met you. But the personality helped even out things."

"So remember that time I said I had to work late at the office..."

"Yo, don't touch the hair."

"But Billy's girlfriend lets him do it!"

"What's for dinner?"

"Can I borrow your foundation?"

"You have great child-bearing hips."

"Sometimes I take a photo of you into the bathroom with me."

"You use really big words."

"Sorry, Sunday is family night. Least I could do, living at home and all."

"I'll have a Sprite, the lady will have an extra dirty double martini."

"My Dad said you had a nice ass."

"Flip cup tourney at my place Saturday night. Bring your A game 'cause team Blackout is gonna bring it on, for shizzle."

"What's your name again?"

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