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Dani Alpert
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Dani’s first acting photo was her mugshot taken after getting arrested for tagging
an overpass in the town where she grew up. Other lofty accomplishments include
working out in the NYU gym alongside Adam Sandler, while attending film school.
She followed that up with a move to Los Angeles, where she worked out in a gym
alongside Facts of Life star, Mindy Cohen, while attending The American Film
Institute.

While living in Los Angeles, Dani dabbled in everything, from writing feature films,
to writing and performing several acclaimed solo shows. She is the writer, director and star of the film festival breakout, A Really Intimate Portrait... Of a complete unknown.

Sixteen years later, Dani left Los Angeles for a job teaching English as a foreign language in Prague. Realizing that she didn’t know a pronoun from a pronouncement, she quite after two weeks and moved back to New York, where she became a Pilates instructor.

What box does a woman check if she’s in a committed relationship with a divorced father, and never wanted children of her own? Enter The Girlfriend Mom, because no other title fit.

Dani has been featured in Pilates Style Magazine, StepMom Magazine, Blogher, and Modern Mom. She blogs for Evolved World and can be seen in the live show, Mortified, in New York. She has blogged from Anderson Live and has guested on HuffPostLive.

Entries by Dani Alpert

Open Heart Surgery Opened My Heart

(0) Comments | Posted July 17, 2015 | 1:14 PM

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Nobody likes to see their parent's lying in hospital beds, hooked up to blinking, ticking, and pumping machines, with a breathing tube down their esophagus.

Such was the scene this week when my daddio had open heart surgery; double bypass yo.

We...

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Why I Love My Father

(0) Comments | Posted July 1, 2015 | 8:39 AM

When I was a little Dani, about four or five years old, my father invented a character called, the Tickle Monster, long before Josie Bissett's, Tickle Monster Laughter Kit, which included cuddly tickling mitts. I'm not sure why you would need a kit to tickle someone, but whatever. My dad...

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A Letter to My College Graduate

(0) Comments | Posted June 18, 2015 | 8:38 AM

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A letter to my Girlfriend Mom daughter, in celebration of graduating college--

It's hackneyed and cliche but, where did the time go? Where is that seemingly surefooted, 13-year old dark haired girl, who sat in the passenger seat of her mother's car in...

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Anne Frank Made Me Throw Up

(0) Comments | Posted June 10, 2015 | 4:00 PM

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I looked forward to Amsterdam; meeting up with my friend Laura, and attending to unfinished business.

We met at Schiphol Airport, or shit pool, as she called it. It was a relief to see Laura. The last five weeks of traveling, had been...

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Gee Your Hair Smells Like Placenta

(0) Comments | Posted May 13, 2015 | 1:20 PM

It was hard to choose what to write about; learning to play a new sport later in life, or using placenta to aid in hair growth. What to do, what to do.

Animal placenta for hair growth? Okay.

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You can buy placenta hair...

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Useless Facts About Movies of the Week

(0) Comments | Posted May 12, 2015 | 11:48 AM

People used to ask me what to do if there were two movies of the week on at the same time, which one they should watch.

It was a good question. I didn't know who won WWII but I knew that Tori Spelling starred in, Mother, May I Sleep With...

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Being Scared Can Lead to Greatness

(0) Comments | Posted May 12, 2015 | 8:31 AM

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It was a wise man who once told me not to deny myself anything that can make me great.

I'm pretty certain that he was quoting some philosopher, or Simon and Garfunkel song lyrics, but no matter, it was sage advice. Thanks, Dad.

...
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Vaginal Weightlifting... Coming to a Gym Near You

(0) Comments | Posted February 11, 2015 | 2:42 PM

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Russian weightlifters; Vasiliy Ivanovich Alekseyev, Yury Vlasov and Ruslan Albegov.

And now Tatyana Kozhevnikova, the 2009 world-record holder in... vaginal weightlifting. What else can I say about the Russians.

So often I sit down to write and it's pure torture trying to come...

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Steam-Cleaning My Vagina

(0) Comments | Posted February 3, 2015 | 8:05 PM

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Gwyneth Paltrow has something else for us ladies to do so as to give our vaginas that youthful glow. Steam clean it baby! Shit, I just got through steam cleaning my area rugs.

Paltrow recommends a particular therapy that's being offered...

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Speaking Up Is Hard To Do

(0) Comments | Posted January 6, 2015 | 10:29 AM

Feeling invisible is not something that I often have to contend with. This changed when I was traveling recently.

I stood in the remarkably empty security line at the airport, waiting patiently to grab a gray tray. Those trays remind me of the cafeteria trays from school. Suddenly, out of...

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He Said He Loved Me...

(17) Comments | Posted December 21, 2014 | 2:36 PM

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He said he loved me. In a text. And I cried.

I was sitting in the backseat of a taxi, on my way to the airport, when I received the text. I had texted him an hour earlier, "Happy birthday!!!! I hope you...

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'Sex and The City' and 'The Way We Were' Collided in Southampton

(0) Comments | Posted October 21, 2014 | 8:20 AM

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I spent a glorious weekend with my GM daughter, attending The Hamptons International Film Festival, eating, shopping, practicing handstands on the beach, working out, watching a Modern Family marathon, eating ice cream cake (or in her case, just the frosting) taking walks, endless...

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Parenthood Doesn't Come with A Manual

(0) Comments | Posted October 17, 2014 | 6:03 PM

A surprising thing happened when I became the Girlfriend Mom. I started to see my relationship with my parents in a whole new light. A softer light. Maybe this is obvious to people when they become parents, but since I never thought that I would ever become a parent, or...

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Why Is Being Childless By Choice Still an Issue?

(2) Comments | Posted October 1, 2014 | 1:02 PM

I am childless by choice and even I am a little surprised that there are still articles written about society's reactions to us CBC folk and explanations from CBC folk. I realize that in my writing about why people are still writing about the topic that I am being a...

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Collateral Damage: My Relationship With the Kids

(2) Comments | Posted August 5, 2014 | 1:46 PM

In the last month, on separate occasions, people have referred to my Girlfriend Mom daughter as my "friend." The implication, as I internalized it, being that she was no longer my GM daughter because I was no longer her Girlfriend Mom because of a certain break-up.

I felt like lacing...

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An Open Letter To A Friend

(0) Comments | Posted July 31, 2014 | 11:56 AM

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Open letters seem to be all the rage, so I'm throwing my ass into the ring and writing one. Why not say these things to my friend (or friends) privately, face to face, over Tequila shots in a bar?

A...

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Never Too Old to Climb the Stripper Pole

(0) Comments | Posted June 13, 2014 | 4:45 PM

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I've been pole-ing (yes, that pole) since January. I took to it like a duck takes to water. Apparently straddling a 45 mm in diameter, chrome pole agrees with me. For an hour and a half, two to three times a week, the...

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Is There Such a Thing as Too Much Yoga?

(0) Comments | Posted June 13, 2014 | 12:32 PM

I don't know why I was surprised that there was two yoga classes a day, during my week long yoga retreat in Mexico. It was a friggin' yoga retreat!! The classes were wonderful, but I was a little bored. Why did I go? Someone had put it on my to-do...

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A Father's Day Poem Becomes a Song

(0) Comments | Posted June 13, 2014 | 12:09 PM

I wrote this song for my father several years ago on Father's Day because I couldn't bear to buy him one more friggin' golf shirt.

Love Daddy

When I was just a little Dani, about 4 or 5 years old, my father invented a character called The Tickle...

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Hey Hallmark! Girlfriend Mom Day Has Arrived

(0) Comments | Posted June 2, 2014 | 4:38 PM

The first Sunday in May is officially Girlfriend Mom Day. Mark your calendars, Hallmark.

This day is for all women who are dating, in a relationship with, or living with a man who has children, but does not have any children of her own. If you are no longer dating,...

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