THE BLOG

Steam-Cleaning My Vagina

02/10/2015 09:30 am ET | Updated Apr 05, 2015

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Gwyneth Paltrow has something else for us ladies to do so as to give our vaginas that youthful glow. Steam clean it baby! Shit, I just got through steam cleaning my area rugs.

Paltrow recommends a particular therapy that's being offered at a Hollywood spa. It's a Mugwort V-Steam. Of course this treatment hails from the birthplace of the anal bleach.

Apparently the treatment combines infrared and Mugwort steam. It claims to cleanse the uterus and the other lady parts in the neighborhood. And what the f' is Mugwort? I'm going to look it up and learn me what it is.

Mugwort is a plant, whose roots are used for medicinal purposes, or for a tonic to boost energy. It can be used in aiding intestinal conditions such as worm infestations. Uh huh. And?

And for mental problems. If you're steaming your vagina, you just may have mental problems.

Some from the spa in L.A. have claimed that it, "stimulates the production of hormones to maintain uterine health, aids regular menstrual cycles, clears up hormonal acne, promotes circulation, and helps correct digestive disorders."

However, like any controversial, or unorthodox, treatment, there are those in the medical community that disagree with these to good to be true claims. After all, it is a sensitive ecosystem that, for the most part, does a pretty good job of regulating itself.

Introducing shit like Hogwarts, I mean mugwort, in my opinion, is playing with fire. And if not careful, may just ignite one in your vagina.

Some of the benefits, as cited by the therapists at the spa, is that it increases the warmth and circulation to the area. So, like a humidifier? It's like a neti pot for my vagina? I'm going to boil water, add some Chinese herbs, squat over my tea kettle and see if I feel more energetic.

A doctor, who was commenting on this treatment, said that sometimes women have cold uteruses (cold uterus, cold heart?) because there's not enough circulation in the pelvis. This lack of circulation can be a factor in infertility.

You want circulation in the pelvis? There's this new exercise that's all the rage. All the kids are doing it. It's called PILATES! Take one of my classes and your pelvis will be so circulated, you'll be prepped and ready to conceive that very night.

I can't speak to the affects that Pilates, and a circulated pelvis, may have on these symptoms, but I will say that sex will be mucho better-o due to Pilates. I've tested this claim. A lot. Okay, define a lot. I can confidently say that Pilates is great for one's sex life.

As related to the infertility issue, the director of gynecology at Mount Sinai School of Medicine Charles J. Ascher-Walsh said, "And the herbs may even have an aromatherapy-like effect that de-stresses." Stress perhaps being a factor in infertility.

How about buying lavender oil and a diffuser and create your own aromatherapy? I suppose if you really want that steam in your vagina sensation, you could squat over the diffuser and let it waft up your cooter.