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Daniel Holloway

Daniel Holloway

Posted: February 24, 2008 06:05 PM

The World Without Oscar: An Imagined Future History


The WGA strike is over, and the world is a better place. As you read this, writers for “Heroes” are busy plotting new ways to piss off message-board people. Damon Lindelof and Robert Iger have resumed their bi-weekly cuddle sessions. Democracy is flourishing in places where no one ever expected it would, like Pakistan and Ohio. But best of all, the Academy Awards are back on. The strike had threatened to preempt Sunday’'s ceremony, but thanks to concessions made by studios (sturdier quills for writers) and the guild (strike beards won’t be shaved off so writers can be easily identified by studio security), the warring factions were able to reach an accord in time to save Oscar’s sculpted, golden ass. But what would have happened if no deal had been reached?

Saturday, Feb. 23: TV Guide Network executives stop laborers from opening crate containing cryogenically frozen body of Lisa Rinna. The container is moved into storage space next to Ark of the Covenant.

Sunday, Feb.24: Sitting in bed at home, George Clooney watches on television as Billy Bush announces Daniel Day-Lewis as winner of the best-actor Oscar (pronouncing the “There Will Be Blood” star’s name “David Gayjuice”). Clooney tosses a highball glass into the fireplace, takes off his tuxedo for first time in seven years and calls world leaders to complain.

Wednesday, Feb. 27: Taking a break from their extended colonoscopy of Roger Clemens, House Oversight Committee members convene hearings to investigate whether striking writers can be charged with treason for denying Americans a chance to view Scarlett Johansson’'s cleavage during wartime. Clooney shows up to testify wearing sweatpants and a hoody with the word “Brooklyn” on it. Committee members praise Andy Pettitte for his honesty, awarding him the Congressional Medal of Honor.

Thursday, Feb. 28: Janitors find Hal Holbrook asleep inside the Kodak Theatre. They clip a note to the front of his shirt and place him on a city bus.

Tuesday, March 6: Clooney, Brad Pitt and Don Cheadle appear on the cover of Esquire. None of them have shaved in more than two weeks. Clooney vows not to change clothes until Vanity Fair throws a lavish party so he can flirt with Rachel McAdams.

Monday, March 12: President Bush issues an executive order demanding writers be taken into federal custody and sent to Guantanamo Bay to begin work on “Juno 2” and four new episodes of “According to Jim.” Sen. John McCain says America may be fighting the War on Boredom for the next 100 years.

Tuesday, March 20: As part of an elaborate scheme to stage their own awards show, Clooney and the full cast of “Ocean’s Eleven” break into an unmarked warehouse in search of Lisa Rinna. While punching each other in the buttocks, Casey Affleck and Scott Caan accidentally knock over an unmarked crate containing a solid-gold chest. Thinking it may contain cigars or formalwear, Clooney opens the Ark of the Covenant. The presence of God is released, unleashing a deadly fury upon the actors. Only Carl Reiner survives.

Wednesday, March 21: The world is shocked to learn of the passing of “Clooney’s 10.” Television ratings spike as all networks engage in 24-hour tribute coverage. Producers realize reality programming sells better anyway, and do away with all scripted content. “Jackass 3” earns $724 million domestically, making it the biggest summer beig-screen release ever. President Bush order all writers executed, buried at sea.