Chuck Norris Never Cries, He Sues

Last week, action star Chuck Norris sued the publisher and author of a new book based on the popular Internet meme Chuck Norris Facts. You know, like, "Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad Chuck Norris has never cried."

Many of Norris's ironic fans were perplexed. "Why is Chuck being such a spoilsport?" asked a Wired blogger. "One could argue that the uniformly treasured lists rekindled a geek-hipster love of Norris, his mullet-y locks, tight jeans and flying roundhouse kicks."

But what geek-hipsters don't realize is that for many people, Norris's career didn't actually need rekindling. His fire may have gone out in our world, but for a few years now, it's been burning more brightly than ever in the parallel universe of Christian pop culture. Chuck Norris is the biggest thing in the evangelical bubble since Kirk Cameron. Or at least Stephen Baldwin. Norris's endorsement of Mike Huckabee wasn't as much of a surprise -- or joke -- to Huckabee's base as it was to the rest of us.

In 2004, Chuck wrote his spiritual memoir, Against All Odds, for B&H, the publishing arm of the Southern Baptist Convention. Since then, he has "co-written" two Christian western novels, The Justice Riders and A Threat to Justice, which the publisher describes as a "heroic action tale of good versus evil, with elements of faith and romance." Fiction is the fastest-growing segment of the Christian publishing industry, and there's a glut of Christian genre novels right now, from Westerns, to thrillers to romances. Typically these books are "clean" versions of their secular counterparts, with a few scenes of prayer thrown in and, almost inevitably, a weepy moment where a main character falls to his knees and confesses that he is a sinner who needs Jesus. Partly because the books are so formulaic, having the name of a mainstream star on the cover is a great way to stand apart from the competition.

In 2006, Norris also began writing a column for the far-right Christian web site Worldnetdaily. In his first installment he wrote about Chuck Facts. While he was generally good-natured about them (while noting that " some are just not appropriate for kids.") he also fretted a bit about their message, writing, "In the history of this planet, there has only been one real Superman. It's not me." To drive home the point, he added, "There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases - sin."

In his lawsuit, Norris alleges that "Some of the 'facts' in [The Truth About Chuck Norris] are racist, lewd or portray Mr. Norris as engaged in illegal activities." The real problem, I suspect, is that the book's humor depends on a highly refined sense of irony, and by and large, the Christian culture bubble does not do irony. It doesn't get irony. It doesn't trust irony. Christian fiction, like Christian rock (or at least the variety that gets played on Christian radio), is always deadly earnest. While I was researching my forthcoming book Rapture Ready! Adventures in the Parallel Universe of Christian Pop Culture, several people explained to me that when leading people to the truth of Jesus Christ, only unambiguous propositional statements are permissible. One can't risk causing someone to "stumble."

It's safe to say that most of Norris's Christian fan base is unaware of the Chuck Facts Internet meme. This book will be their first exposure to these jokes. And while it's extremely unlikely, as Norris's lawsuit claims, that any of them will believe the books "facts" are really factual, they may think that the joke itself is endorsed by Norris, and that would be nearly as upsetting to them. To think that Norris is portraying himself, even humorously, as a perfect hero might deeply offend people who already own a book about a person like that. A book first published nearly 2,000 years ago and taken very, very seriously.

Comments

[dorkulon]

41. Chuck Norris

Charges: Only famous for knowing Bruce Lee. Churning out puerile "action" bilge for 30 years. Skill as martial artist greatly exaggerated. Kitsch value wearing thin. Total Home Gym®. Walker, Texas Ranger once let a little girl battle armed gangsters, because she had the power of belief in God. Doesn't understand evolution, despite access to mirrors.

Exhibit A: Campaigning for Mike Huckabee.

Sentence: Roundhouse kick from Charles Darwin.

From The Beast's 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2007, which rules the world:

http://www.buffalobeast.com/122/50mostloathsome2007.html

[samuraijack]

He never cries, pity. His tears could cure cancer. Jack Out.

[leftbehind2000]

With this lawsuit, Norris proved what I long suspected. He hasn't the intelligence to employ a sense of humor.

The funny Norris jokes I've heard over the years are about an unfunny person. Ironic.

Unlike William Shatner, who has become even more famous and beloved because of his sense of humor, Norris can't appreciate the legendary person he's become around office water coolers.

It's a shame, really.

[Grulg]

Book needs Giant Robots. You know I'm right. Chuck would agree that Jesus would agree. Swore to it on a stack of Gideons(TM) so there ya go.

[avergejoe]

last I checked, the law permits those that have been slandered to seek remedies.

regardless of one's faith.

[Proud2BIndy]

I remember reading a review of 'Missing in Action:II' that went -

"As an actor, Chuck Norris is capable of two emotions: With a mustache and without."

He does, however epitomize that shallow, saccharine, and totally phony 'Christian' who you just know would hate the real Jesus if he ever met him, and the feeling would probably be mutual.

[totalliberal]

Odd that an individual who has made a living out of either kicking the crap out of people or pretending to do so, has become a spokesman for Jesus Christ.

Up is down. Black is white. War is Peace.

[jacobomorales]

This is a riot Daniel!!!

Keep it up, so to speak.

[Pantelleria01]

Religion is poison. All the world's religions are institutions with an agenda that has very little to do with actual spiritual knowledge. Religions organize for financial and political advantages that have nothing to do with spiritual knowledge. Occasionally, and almost always by accident organized religions have done some good, in the way that a broken clock is right twice each day. The rise of the religious right is bonded to the fear of homosexuality, they are almost always spoken of in the same breath or paragraph. As social institutions religions create social institutions which are functional in society, helping control and manipulate the greater population. Free people tend to be religious and express spiritual knowledge in spite of the institutions of religion which have poisoned every country on this earth. the founding signers of the Constitution understood this perfectly.

[murphy80]

welcome Christian bashers............go find something else to complain about.

[protagonia]

Well, he's certainly no Jeff Speakman.

[Jonahson]

Say after 2000 odd years has anyone gone to heaven and come back saying, "I have been to heaven, seen them all, including the Lord, Saints and all. Now I come back and show you the way." without having to wait until we die. You know christians has only one life and one chance to make it to heaven so I want to be sure I don't want to waste it.

[ChiGuy]

One of the worst "actors" to ever hit the big or small screen, Norris is now a published author??

Major publishing houses must have had a few water cooler laughs passing around the first treatments he no doubt sent to them.

[charon]

Irony is one of the highest mental functions (check out Kierkegaard's work on Socratic irony!). Sadly, it's true the fundie Christian crowd does not appreciate irony. It says something about the gullibility and fears of that group, and at heart is probably a fear of ambiguity, closely related to their homophobia.

The real problem is that Norris is so limited as an actor. Not only does he never cry, he never makes a serious mistake, he never gets drunk, he never gets proven wrong, and he never shows weakness. In other words, he is a denial of all real human qualities. A wooden figure like the fundies' concept of Christ as Superman. He is a tough-guy one-dimensional character, not an actor.

[USMC1980]

Man, it really sucks that ol Chuck has gone of to the deep end of "Right Wing Nut" country. Norris used to be a bad-ass, and a cool guy with a sense of humor. Norris was a frequent guest on Howard Stern, and was far more liberal in his political leanings...then he got "born again", and promptly lost his frigen mind.

Now he is a certified George Bush/Mike Huckabee robot. It's sad, I will always have a soft spot for one of my favorite 80's action heroes....here's to hoping he stops drinking the kool-aid, and wakes up.