French orphans. Thai hookers. Billion dollar wills. Thank goodness those age-old High School problems are back to take up our time. Here's another minute-by-minute account for you fellow devotees.
8:01 -- Serena's vacation photos -- who took them, why is she dancing with all those old men, and how come it looks like she's standing in front of a fake poster with some zany Latin American colors?
8:03 -- Chuck's vacation checklist: silk robe, Geisha, opium. Done and done.
8:03 -- Rufus enlists Dan for a trip down "Nostalgia Lane". Ah, reminds me of the good ol' days when that street went by a different name. Can't quite remember it now.
8:06 -- Dorota's New Year's resolution: never stop waddling.
8:08 -- Serena got me good -- she figured out it was summer in Buenos Aires.
And a moment of silence please for Aaron Rose, November 2008 - January 2009.
In the spirit of the most annoying character ever, we didn't even get to see him axed. That's how the man himself would've written it.
8:17 -- Rufus's new rule: Dan and Serena aren't allowed in the loft alone together. Because that can clearly only lead to them having a baby that gets put up for adoption in a foreign country.
8:18 -- God, we missed a lot of great stuff. Chuck and his uncle Jack had a wild rickshaw ride through Thailand. In other news, Kramer and Newman were spotted in Bangkok.
8:19 -- In getting Chuck out of trouble with the Principal, Blair just created and starred in her own four minute Law & Order spin-off.
8:26 -- Penelope is worried about maintaining the status of the Girls Of The Steps. I'd argue that ship sailed around the time that the Pig Girl was let in.
8:28 -- Blair and Serena just had a very long, emotional conversation. It was a little hard to take seriously, however, with the perfectly framed Martin Luther King, Jr. portrait hanging between them. Really puts things in perspective.
8:37 -- Questionable decision by Blair -- to impress the Colony Club ladies, she has dressed like a mime. Although from the looks of them, it should probably be called the Argyle Club.
8:41 -- Help me settle this debate: it's okay for Dan and Serena to be together even though their parents have slept together. But if that sleeping together produced a child -- a brother to each of them -- then they are completely creepy now, right? I'm uncomfortable with any situation where a person could truthfully say "my brother and sister are banging right now".
8:45 -- Blair reveals her community service priorities: 1. Feeding the ducks. 2. Reading to blind kids. Because even ducks can get too full, apparently.
8:49 -- Jenny turns down the throne of The Girls Of The Steps. In this economy!?!?
8:52 -- Okay, this Jack Bass fellow has been weirding me out all episode. Now he just engaged in some heavy petting with his gay step-nephew.
8:55 -- With Chuck about to kill himself, Blair takes a moment to refresh Jack on the Someone Standing on the Edge of a Building Rulebook. She's great.
8:57 -- Bombshell! I knew Jack Bass was grimes, but Blair, how could you? You aren't worthy of the Colony Club, the Yearbook Club, or Club Med.
Usually, I would end this post with some XO's, but I always imagined them going to Blair, and she just doesn't deserve them tonight. So until next time, stay spotting.