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Gossip Girl Recap: Family Business

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Will Chuck inherit billions? Will Rufus and Lily find their little Tintin? Will Constance Billard's two-day week, five-day weekend ever be acknowledged? Hopefully the answer is yes to all of these in our latest minute-by-minute minutia watch:

8:02 -- Okay, in my disgust at Jack for hooking up with, then continuing to hit on his orphaned nephew's main squeeze, I didn't realize something even sleazier: Blair is in high school. Jack must be 30. Gross.

8:03 -- While Bart's will is read, Lily is in Boston searching for her and Rufus' long-lost love child -- probably just what Bart pictured his widow doing at this seminal moment.

8:03 -- Mothers, don't let your daughters outside -- Chuck's got a new guardian, and he supports a no curfew, girls allowed to sleep over policy.

8:04 -- Wow, Chuck's repressed Daddy issues run deep. He's delusional enough to imagine that Bart could possibly utter the phrase "why do you wear so much purple?"

8:05 -- Jack's wink to Nate could only have meant two things: I want to make sweet love to you, or I am planning on completely screwing over your best friend. I'm not sure why Jack would be revealing either of these goals right now.

8:06 -- I don't know what it's like to be an out fifteen-year old in high school, but I'm guessing that having matching flannel backpacks with your boyfriend doesn't make life any easier.

8:07 -- Lily tongue kissed Sarkozy. Was this ever in question?

8:13 -- Jack almost played hide the bok choy with a tranny waitress in Thailand. Unfortunately Chuck woke up from his hash coma long enough stop him.

8:14 -- Chuck takes the throne at Bart's desk. But why is the office of the richest dude in New York on the third floor?

8:17 -- Blair laments how hard it is finding obedient minions... which can only lead to Dorota being forced to come to school!

8:18 -- Who places their cell phone in the pocket of a jacket that they're not wearing?

8:19 -- Best moment of the season! The little girls attacking Dan and teasing him about living in Brooklyn. At what age do kids even learn that?

8:20 -- Chuck and Jack just compared their various gonorrhea treatments. Gee, that must be nice for Blair.

8:22 -- Wow, Blair is sending quite a message with the dress she's wearing for her date with Chuck. Well, I'm Daniel Sweren-Becker and I approve this message.

8:28 -- Blair is so over her minions... but she's smart enough that she still won't let them eat pastries.

8:32 -- Two diabolical moments in a row: the whole brunch staring at the quasi-related lovers, and then Blair walking in on Chuck with two hookers and tons of drugs. Got to hand it to this show -- they don't do anything half-assed.

8:39 -- Random question: why is it that the characters never use phones when it makes sense to call someone to talk or make plans, yet anytime they are about to utter the Single Most Important Thing In The World, they whip out their phones and start blabbing away in public?

8:45 -- Rufus could stand to lose a bracelet or four.

8:49 -- Nate is such a great guy. I mean that with no sarcasm whatsoever. I'd just genuinely love to be friends with him.

8:57 -- Dan drops Toni Morrison, Russian aristocrats and Flannery O'Connor. Serena drops Clueless. And this isn't gonna work out because of their dead half-sibling?

8:58 -- Or should I say still-alive-and-kicking half-sibling? Nice power move by the adoptive parents. But cheap trick by the writers to wring more out of this plot. This episode ended with too much cheese and not enough thunder.

Until next time, stay spotting.