Huffpost Comedy
The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Dan Treadway Headshot

Now More Than Ever America Needs a Baller in Chief

Posted: Updated:

On the heels of his victory in the South Carolina primary, the resurgent Newt Gingrich has found himself in the hot seat as the media has begun taking a closer look at his personal life -- namely his marriage(s).

Gingrich, who has been married three times, came under fire last week when his second wife, Marianne, came forward and accused her former husband of requesting that they have an "open marriage" before eventually divorcing her and marrying his current wife, Calista.

The revelation naturally caused a media fire storm with many questioning Gingrich's moral fiber. Gingrich himself made it clear he'd rather not talk about his personal affairs, reprimanding CNN personality John King during a debate in South Carolina when he asked him about Marianne's allegations. "I am appalled that you would begin a presidential debate on a topic like that," Gingrich told King before maintaining "The story is false."

While Gingrich apparently tried to distance himself from this story, Fox News' Dr. Keith Ablow took a completely different approach, penning a column on Friday titled: "Newt Gingrich's three marriages mean he might make a strong president -- really."

In the column, Dr. Ablow, a psychiatrist who is a member of Fox News' Medical A-Team, argues that the fact that so many women could be smitten by Gingrich clearly means he possesses a certain charm and charisma that would naturally carry over into political realm.

You can read the column in its entirety here.

After reading Ablow's argument, I recognized the same thing that any reasonable person would: His logic is rock solid.

I mean, it almost troubles me that nobody had already made such an astute connection: If a guy who is often compared to the Stay Puft marshmallow man is able to convince two separate women to marry him despite the fact that he was already married, congressional debt ceiling negotiations should be a walk in the park.

But while I did respect the compelling and clearly well-thought out case put forth by the still-licensed (I checked) Dr. Ablow, I couldn't help but feel that maybe he didn't take his argument quite far enough.

If this psychiatrist is suggesting that the more people who fall in love with you, the better the president you are, why should we limit ourselves to a guy who's only been married three times?

The constant refrain throughout the primary season has been to "Make America strong again," but perhaps what we really need is for America to get its swagger back.

The path to prosperity is clear: We need a Baller in Chief.

For the past 12 years we've had presidents stuck in stable, loving, boring marriages, and what do we have to show for it? Trillions in debt and a country divided. The last time we had a surplus, the standing president was having extra-marital affairs while literally inside the oval office. The relationship between marriage stability and economic success as a president couldn't be any more clear: Mo problems, mo money.

Based on Ablow's analysis it seems a candidate's personal affairs are clearly one of the best indications we have of how he'll govern, and while Gingrich's three marriages certainly make him a compelling candidate, I just don't think it's enough.

Gingrich has indicated he's very happy with his current marriage, which means he's focusing his energy on maintaining a strong, healthy relationship with a single spouse. But the skill-set of a seasoned playboy translates so much more practically to the oval office. Sometimes you're on the phone with China, and then your other phone buzzes and Israel wants some love, and when you give them attention, uh oh, Iran texts you on your other-other phone and they're angry again over something you said.

How is a person dedicated to a single woman possibly supposed to know how to deal with such a situation?

This isn't 1999 Newt Gingrich we're talking about.

Dr. Ablow argues that Gingrich's aptitude for explaining to people to whom he's been married that he's leaving them for someone else displays the type of direct approach needed to deal with Congress. But what he neglects to consider is that the former Speaker of the House's penchant for committing to the unsatisfying spouse for many years before leaving them. America needs a candidate that's fast-moving and willing to implement plans quickly and abandon them even quicker if they prove unsatisfactory. A 'hit and quit it' approach, if you will.

The primary race is coming down the stretch, and that means it's time to get serious about the arbitrary conclusions we reach about how these potential candidates will serve in office based on complete non-sequiturs. Sure, Newt may be cute, but maybe in order for this country to bust out of its biggest slump in decades, America needs a Republican candidate that brings some sexy.

The Obama campaign has already thrown the first punch, with the president recently singing a few lines of an Al Green song that likely made quite a few American wives want to pull a Newt Gingrich.

So time is of the essence, and the GOP has little choice but to present a viably promiscuous candidate for the American people fall in lust with.

But the problem arises as to where they'll be able to find such a candidate.

Anybody know what Herman Cain is up to these days?

Around the Web

GOP Presidential Debate: Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich Launch Into ...

Newt Gingrich: Brian Williams 'Wrong' To Silence GOP Debate ...

Tampa debate: Newt Gingrich could face his Freddie Mac moment ...

Florida debate: Newt Gingrich prepares for battle - Juana Summers ...

Gingrich Threatens to Skip Debates if Audiences Can't Participate ...