A Red, White and Blue State 4th of July

Here is how the divided states of America will be celebrating our nation’s independence:

The Red State 4th of July:

On the menu: Barbecued red meat, preferably shot by Dad and cleaned and prepared by Mom. They will tussle over the sauce: whether it should be vinegar- or ketchup-based. Dad will try to persuade Mom to let him use his outdoor deep-fryer for turkey as an additional side, but she’ll tell him not to be an idiot—they will have plenty of food and besides, deep-fried turkey is for Thanksgiving. Side dishes: corn on the cob, a mayonnaisey-eggy potato salad and cole slaw. Food washed down with Coors Light or sweet tea, with Coke and lemonade for the kids. Apple pie from Cosco for dessert.

Flag on display: The Stars and Stripes.

What they’re celebrating this year: Kerry’s loss.

What they’ll argue about: Whether Bush is doing a good job making the case for Iraq or it’s the liberal media’s fault for all the negative reporting.

Event they’ll attend: Local Lion's Club parade, followed by highly dangerous, illegal-in-most-states, put-yer-eye-out fireworks lit by Dad in the back yard.

Holiday donation: Their church.

The Blue State 4th of July:

On the menu: A choice of grain-fed beef or soy-based hamburgers (for vegan friends), with sides from Whole Foods: Thai noodles, tofu and green bean salad, corn salsa, guacomole with blue tortilla chips. Food washed down with Oregon wine or bottled water, with Snapple drinks for the kids. Ben & Jerry’s for dessert.

Flag on display: Festive seasonal flag with summer theme.

What they’re celebrating this year: Bush’s poll numbers.

What they’ll argue about: Which news is being suppressed more by the right-wing media: the shocking revelations of the Downing Street memo, or the truth about global warming.

Event they’ll attend: Family/pet-friendly, environmentally conscious march (recyclable cans and bottles only please!), followed by municipal fireworks at the local park.

Holiday donation: NPR

HOWEVER YOU'RE DOING IT, HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!