Conditions at Camp Crawford “shocking and inhumane” inmates complain

WACO, TX (AP)—Prisoners of Camp Crawford complain of small cells, poor meals, constant surveillance, and disrespectful—even disdainful—treatment from Presidential staff.

“Thirty-three days in this hell-hole feels like thirty-three years,” said a bitter long-time White House correspondent. “You’re away from your family. We’re all billeted into these crappy Waco motels—you know, the kind they hose down with antiseptic every day and you’ve got one lousy blanket which is made of recycled Coke bottles or something. There are huge fights for the cells with fast Internet connections but not many have them. The networks always get those. We didn’t mind the facilities in Santa Barbara or Martha’s Vineyard. Even Kennebunkport was more endurable than this.”

A Fox News camera man agreed. “Basically you sit around in baking heat, bored out of your mind. How many times can you visit the ‘Texas Sports Hall of Fame’ or beat Nora O’Donnell at Scrabble? Nothing happens, except maybe when one of the staff summons you to watch the President pulling brush. After a few minutes, they pile you back into the buses, and that’s it. It’s torture.”

All inmates interviewed agreed that the food they were served was inferior to that of other camps, such as Guantanamo. “How can I put this?” said a Los Angeles-based correspondent. “The meals would be paradise if you were six-years-old. Like, what is it going to be tonight: chicken nuggets or pizza again? It’s like living that movie, ‘Supersize Me.’ A big deal is to go to the Marriott Courtyard’s breakfast buffet. At least you can get a piece of fruit, even if it’s not ripe.”

The inmates agreed, however, it was far better to be in Waco than have to do duty in the press pool in the town of Crawford itself. Even Crawford’s own website describes the facilities this way: “The town currently boasts only one restaurant, a converted gas station called The Coffee Station. There's no supermarket or hotel but there are five churches. Tourists will find that this 'dry' town has no sale of alcoholic beverages.”

“Five churches!” muttered a reporter from the New York Times. “And don’t forget the self-billed ‘Christian-owned’ bed and breakfasts, where no doubt you have to say grace before you can eat your eggs. It’s offensive.”

Journalists also described the routine brutality to which they’re subjected. The most recent case was when Time magazine’s correspondent had to be hospitalized after press pool duty. In answer to a question intended for the president, chief aide Karl Rove held up a copy of the magazine and made sinister flushing noises. The correspondent was treated for shock at the local hospital and released later in the day.

“It’s clear they don’t respect us or our beliefs,” the correspondent said angrily, as he was led back to his cell at the Super 8. “They’re holding us here against our will, and with no charges. Where is Amnesty International?”