How To Lie About Your Age

Why, when women lie about their age, do they always drop years rather than add them?

Obvious answer: They want to pretend they are younger than they are. But since they rarely appear younger than they are, isn't this counter-productive?

I've been stewing about this because I recently turned 45. I've just hit what might be called The Lying Years. It's the age when female friends greet each other with an ill-concealed "once over." Both sets of eyes scan the other's surfaces like air force spotters seeking signs of insurgency. Did she get a neck lift? Are her eyebrows frozen?

"You look...good!"

"Thank you. So do you!"

Years, however, are much harder to conceal than cosmetic surgery. A woman who lightly drops five (or ten) years off her age, at a moment when she can physically pull it off, dooms herself forever to a fight to the knife with Time. Literally, a knife. It's one thing for a 40-year-old to pose as a 35-year-old. But a fiftyish woman trying to seem fortyish? The regimens of Botox, animal entrails, Pilates and chemical peels must inevitably give way to a surgeon's scalpel for the lie to be sustained.

But here's the rub: Rarely does a woman who undergoes a facelift look "younger." She might look "better." She might, temporarily, appear more rested or relaxed. But she's fooling no one. Who looks at a photo of, say, Madonna and exclaims, "Man what a hot 30-year-old!" You don't even say, "Wow, she looks good for her age!" You think,"Hey, she got a facelift." And even with a very good facelift, she still looks like a 50-year-old-woman with a facelift. That's not to say she's unattractive. But she's publicly entered The Lying Years.

Let me propose a more discreet way to enter this stage. Not only is it easier, but you will forever look fabulous for your age without having to resort to surgery: Instead of dropping years, add them.

In my case, I look fine for a 45-year-old. I'm a tired 40-year-old. I'm a haggard 35-year-old. But I'm an astonishing 50-year-old. Go on, check the seams: the jaw-line is pillowing slightly so no intervention there; there are crinkles at the eyes, topography on the forehead. I defy you to detect signs of insurgency.

Wow, you will say to yourself. What's her secret? What's her diet? How on earth does she do it? The truth will remain between me and the passport office.

And as time goes on, it only gets better. I'm fabulous at 55. I'm still great at 60. For fun, I might add another five years when I actually turn 60: Get a load of me at 70!

Thus my face will be allowed to age without pressure. Eventually, as Oscar Wilde warned, it will be the face I deserve. But deservedly or not, at least it will be mine.

Comments

[Katawoo]

You bring up issues that I've thought about for years. I never could understand why women take off 5-10 years from their age and let people think, "Boy she's aging poorly!" However, I never thought about adding on 5-10 years, so people could say, "Wow, you sure look good for your age!" Actually I was one of the lucky people who got better with age. I looked better at 45 than I did at 15 or 25!

Like Delphine, when I was 48 people thought I was 32-33, but I hate to burst your bubble and hers! Sooner or later it catches up to you. For me it was like it happened overnight! All of a sudden you wake up and look at that person in the mirror and you wonder, "Who is that stranger there?" No one told me that my thick hair would start to thin, or that my eyes would start to shrink, and my lips would disappear!

I have a 19 year-old mind trapped in an over 50 body, and this body constantly reminds me that I'm not 19 any longer! LOL! Actually it's not so bad if you accept aging as gracefully as you can, and acknowledge the wisdom that comes with age; it's a good exchange. Besides, I am one who has never had any qualms about telling my true age, even now.

(I could have written more; that's why I gave you my link.)

[joelaf]

I'm a 48 y/o male. I smoke,drink, don't work out, eat poorly etc. Guess what? I look 50,max. Many of the women I graduated from high school with look the same as they did then, albeit with better hairstyles. It kinda creeps me out.

BTW, does anyone else agree with me that they prefer the pre-nosejob Jennifer Grey? She got it "fixed" and totally drop off my list.

Also, why are there no redheads anymore? It seems like they all went blonde.

Give me a bignose, small breasted, natural redhead any day. Green eyes would be nice, but optional.

[RButler]

When someone gives their age, say 47. Say "You don't look 47, but I bet you did once.". But, be careful.

[gladiatorpodolsky]

I always lie about my age and love women who do and have cosmetic surgery. You don't like it, that's tough.

[Delphine]

Well I'm 49 and people mistake me for mid-30's. I haven't had any work done and don't plan to. I work out and eat right and count myself as lucky that my mother gave me good skin. Don't get me wrong, I'm dreading the big 5-0 and figure one of these days it'll be like the witch in Starlight and everything will suddenly fall and sag and droop. But I also feel the best I ever have, and the wisest I've ever been.

After witnessing the most beautiful women on the planet destroy their faces with botox and implants and collagen, until they look like a clone army with distorted lips and frozen eyebrows, I can't imagine having plastic surgery. Ladies, you look like dopes. Eventually it all fades anyway. Why not go out without donning that telltale mask of desperation?

[Phoenixfire089]

Well done! A thoughful and humorous piece...There is such pressure on women to look good, starting from childhood. My male friends don't seem to get the fact that it's not something you can just turn off once you meet the right guy or hit a certain age. But this is a great way to subvert that!

[ShawnMichel]

How about this?--the truth?

Here's a fact. The women who are authentic, who refuse to be cogs in the Machine (which eliminates oh, about 83% of you right off), who refuse to buy the suburban gotta-have-it-all-gotta-have-it-now bullshit ... those women are, factually, the prettiest of the lot, regardless of shape, size, or age.

Sorry, Ms. Crittenden. Poor, poor article here.

[krnewman]

The irony here is that there's nothing quite as desirable, fun or satisfying as a woman who's reached the age of about 45. It's one of the best kept secrets of all time. (I'm 48, btw)

[indypete]

You're right. When I was 21 I got "Mrs Robinsoned" and had to wait 25 years to experience the like again!

[brutus948]

It sounds like you really would like a face lift but you can't afford. So you write an article like this make yourself feel better.

[Hattie]

Yes, doesn't everyone want to have her face peeled off, stretched, trimmed, tightened and slapped back on to heal?
My friends with face lifts are all sick in the head. Remember how ridiculous corsets were? All those women trying for 18 each waists? Plastic surgery is much worse and very degrading to women.

[jmyoung666]

This occurred to me when I was a teenager. It never made sense that a woman would lie about her age, because she just made herself look older. I did figure out it was the thrill of believing they actually passed for the age they claimed, but still, I am surprised more women do not lie up rather than down.

[classof77]

"People narcissistically obsessed with themselves age fast."

You said it, sister!

[classof77]

I don't quite get the point of this. Why lie at all?

Crittenden is obviously so worried about aging that she has lost any sensible perspective. Why depend on misleading people--lying about age, undergoing surgery--at all? Women are naturally beautiful at all ages! Sheesh.

[devadasi]

Why lie at all class of77? Try looking for a mid level job and telling the truth about your age. You'll never get the job. Luckily I don't look my age, and I started lieing and finally got a job, but not the one I wanted. It's tough out there in the job market for woman over 40.

[sunu20]

Way ahead of you here (grin). I've been telling people I'm older since I passed 55. I'm a lot older now and people marvel at how spry I am for my "age".

[jsomerville5]

I've thought of adding about 6 years myself.

[nainam]

Great, great post!!

My mother not only lied about her age, but when my sister and I approached our 40's, she insisted that we also lie about, or at least never reveal, OUR age. It was pretty embarrassing, especially when my sister and her husband reached their 50th wedding anniversary and our mother insisted that they never mention this to anyone, much less celebrate the occasion.

And once the lie begins, it spreads to the grandchildren. "Oh, I can never remember their ages" my mother would say when her grandchildren started turning 30 and 40. In a few days she will celebrate her 100th birthday and sadly, she is no longer aware of how old she is or even what day of the week it is. But she does enjoy champagne, cake and ice cream.

So we're having a big party!! She will have a great time and never realize that finally, her age is revealed. As for my sister and me, it's pretty hard to lie about your age when your mother turns 100 so we are very up-front about being in our 70's.

[cktirumalai]

Chronological age cannot be altered: it is the inexorable movement of the clock and the calendar. One can lie about it, often implausibly. Biological age is more malleable: it depends to some extent on diet, exercise, and one's way of life. "Soul" is hard to categorize, even if people still believed in it, but quality of soul can subtract years from an individual's biological age more effectively and honestly than cosmetic surgery. People narcissistically obsessed with themselves age fast.