OLIVER STONE'S 9/11

Just when you thought the summer couldn’t get worse for Hollywood, Paramount has announced that Oliver Stone will be directing the first major feature film about 9/11. The movie will star Nicolas Cage as Port Authority police sergeant, John McLoughlin. The sergeant and fellow officer William Jimeno were the last two men to be pulled alive from the rubble of the World Trade Center. The film will be released next year—thus guaranteeing another summer of bad box office returns. (Memo to Hollywood: Why not “The Passion II: The Afterlife”?) As always, the Huffington Post is first with the scoop. We have obtained pages from the super-secret script….

INT.POLICE STATION, LOWER MANHATTAN—EARLY MORNING

McLoughlin and Jimeno are at their desks, scanning the newspapers and drinking coffee.

McLOUGHLIN
Beautiful day, huh Jimeno?

JIMENO
Beautiful.

McLOUGHLIN
Yesiree. Couldn’t be nicer.

McLoughlin whistles to himself. Jimeno rises to get more coffee from a nearby percolator.

JIMENO
Want another?

McLOUGHLIN
No. I’m good.

JIMENO
Greenberg called in sick today.

McLOUGHLIN
Uh huh.

JIMENO
So did Feinstein.

McLoughlin looks up from his paper.

McLOUGHLIN
What, is it a Jewish holiday?

JIMENO
Don’t think so, Sarge.

McLOUGHLIN
Alternate side of the street parking
rules aren’t suspended today?

JIMENO
Nope.

McLOUGHLIN
Huh. Maybe it’s one of the more obscure
Jewish holidays. Don’t they all come up
about now?

JIMENO
How the hell do I know? I’m Irish.

McLOUGHLIN
(thoughtfully)
Come to think of it, I heard Birnbaum didn’t
show on the overnight shift neither.

JIMENO
What’s going on?

McLOUGHLIN
Don’t know. But one thing’s for
sure: the Jews aren’t showing up
for work today.

McLoughlin returns his attention to his newspaper.

CUT TO: Ominous scene of passenger plane being cleared for takeoff at Logan airport.

CUT TO: McLoughlin and Jimeno back in the police station. Jimeno is standing by a bank of radios, idly monitoring them. McLoughlin is still reading the paper.

McLOUGHLIN
I’ll never understand business.

JIMENO
Why’s that, Sarge?

McLOUGHLIN
Listen to this story: Halliburton—you know,
the big oil company, Cheney’s old outfit.
Well here they are taking out some option on
the World Trade Center property. The thing is,
the property’s only valuable if
there’s nothing on it.

JIMENO
I don’t get it.

McLOUGHLIN
That’s what I’m saying. Neither do I. No one
in their right mind is going to tear down those towers.
Those damn towers are going to be there for a
thousand years. In a thousand years
future tourists are still gonna be visiting them,
marveling at the. …

JIMENO
(with sudden alarm)
What the heck?!

McLOUGHLIN
What?

JIMENO
I just heard something…

McLOUGHLIN
Turn up the radio. Turn it up!