So Dear, Why DO You Want to Dress Like A Skank?

A Conversation Between A Mom and Her Teenage Daughter

Danielle: Miranda, you're nearly sixteen, and a keen observer of your peers and fashion. We laugh now (sort of) at the rules of dress your father and I imposed upon you when you were younger, starting at about age eight. By the time you were thirteen, we'd developed dozens of rules about what was and what wasn't "acceptable" to wear in public -- rules that you'd then subject to Talmudic debate: What is the difference between 3.5 vs 5-inches above the knee? How is a bra strap different from a tank top strap? If so-and-so wears it -- a girl known for her impeccable morals and taste -- why can't I wear it? etc. What do you think of those rules now?

Miranda: A problem with the fashions when you are younger is that fashion isn't about self expression, its about blending into the background so you can be tormented about something unfixable, like being stupid as opposed to being badly dressed. As you get older, and your view on life changes, personal style becomes more of a perspective. At 12, clothing simply symbolizes either a social ranking, or invisibility. The difference in lengths of skirts -- for example 3.5 inches and 5 inches -- is that every skirt must be identical in size. If you have a longer skirt, you are deemed "uncool" because you did not seem to find the correct skirt. A bra strap is thinner than a tank top strap, therefore a completely different outfit/top. Every single thing worn by a girl in that mentioned age group isn't about looking skanky or looking chic, its about being able to go by life undetected, but noticed enough so people do not judge you by your clothes because those are already okay.

Danielle: And yet a mother sees her daughter in a short short skirt, and can only wonder why her beautiful young girl wants to look so trampy. I take your (very wise) point. I chaperoned a dance recently for 13-year-olds and was both amused and horrified by what the girls were wearing: Every single girl was dressed identically in a micro denim mini, tank top with bra straps showing, and flip flops (this was in February, after a snowstorm). The amused part of me understood the observation you just made: that it was social death to deviate from this unofficial uniform. Conformity outweighed every other consideration. But the horrified part of me marvelled, Why THIS uniform? If those were my daughters, I'd throw a blanket over them! I suppose this argument has been going on for generations -- but you agree that the clothes directed at (ever younger) girls seems to get skankier by the second?

Miranda: Why this uniform? Because between the ages of 12-14 you are in a transition where you aren't sexy, you are cute, and you want people to view you as sexy. You are trying to conform to a beauty image led by Abercrombie and Fitch, which in all of its ads show young girls and guys in compromising situations. The uniform gets skankier as childhood becomes more and more foreign to a younger crowd. With the rise of Bratz and MyScene dolls, even six and seven-year-old girls are under pressure to act as if they are 17 or 18. The scary thing is, these girls not only dress like older girls, but behave like them. It's becoming more and more common for girls as young as grade 7 to begin drinking. To be like Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton takes priority to reading fairy tales and enjoying an innocent life.

Danielle: Did you suffer because of our rules (i.e. not being allowed to wear the body-revealing clothing of other girls)?

Miranda: Well, I didn't suffer at that time in my life. I had a best friend who only made me feel silly about my outfit choices. Also, when I was in grades 5 and 6, the girls were not nearly as catty as they are now. The need to look sexy in those younger years is a phenomenon that has only just begun. When you dressed badly in elementary school, there was usually a larger group of socially acceptable people who did as well.

Danielle: I always had the sense with you that as much as our rules bothered you at times, you were also a little relieved to have an excuse not to dress like the other girls -- in otherwords, to have an "out" by saying you had crazy, authoritarian parents. Do you see this inner struggle among other girls -- the desire to be sexually mature competing with the desire to hang on to childhood?

Miranda: In complete honesty, I always resented my parents' rules because I so badly wanted to become invisible and blend in, and I had no idea why my parents didn't want me to be like every other girl -- and that made me incredibly upset. The struggle between sexuality and childhood is gone because the idea of childhood is gone, girls want to be older and more mature much faster than they used to.

Danielle: But what would you have had us done instead? What is your advice to other parents dealing with these issues with their teenage daughter?

Miranda: As a rebelling teenager myself, I would tell the parents to let the kids be, and not to press individuality. The kid develops it, but if a girl says, "I want to be like everyone else," as a parent, I wouldn't shoot that down because as a young girl the stakes are much, much higher and people judge you so much harsher.

Danielle: Yes, but under what circumstances then do you think a parent should intervene? Is it wrong for parents to expect their daughters to meet minimal standards of decency? You've sometimes expressed dismay at what stores are trying to market to your five-year-old sister. As a parent should I just let that one go -- and let her dress like a Bratz doll because she feels "pressured" to do so?

Miranda: Well, I think it really depends on the child. If your child is actually dressing like a prostitute, make her change. But what I would do, honestly, is try introduce her to chic clothing. Help her create her own fashion statement. And as a parent, look at the younger magazines like Seventeen, Teen Vogue, etc. Try see what looks your daughter is trying to accomplish! See how she wants to look!

Danielle: I don't know, Miran. There are a lot of parents out there who feel girls dress the way they do because they have wussy modern parents who aren't strict enough with them...

Miranda: Hahahahahah.

Danielle: I used to agree with them -- until you got a second piercing in your ear. That put an end to my dream of us resembling the Von Trapp family.

Miranda: Try the Von Dutch family.

Danielle: :-O! So at what age can a girl begin to express her individuality in clothes? When does this pressure to conform ease up?

Miranda: Well, there is no set age a girl experiments with expressing individuality with her clothes -- that all depends on the girl's confidence and security. You can tell when a girl is insecure at a party because she is wearing something made for someone else, and her outfit looks so un-her that you can tell she is mimicking another look. Self-expression through clothing comes with confidence. The pressure to conform (in my opinion) never eases up, you just start to care less.

Danielle: Hmm, you may be right. I still don't have the confidence to express myself with clothes -- and I'm nearly half-way into my forties. The few times I've tried you've (correctly) pointed out my fashion disasters. Maybe the age when you "just start to care less" is the age when you are into Depends.