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The President's Secret IMs: Desperate Bush Seeks Advice from Bill

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Chat with Ladeezman42
9:03 p.m.

Party_gurl: yo bill

Ladeezman42: hey jenna
Ladeezman42: how u DOIN gf?
Ladeezman42: kinda busy rite now kiddo
Ladeezman42: * interviewin* interns 4 my foundashun
Ladeezman42: (btw thanx 4 ur advise bout how 2 sneak out on th rents
Ladeezman42: read: hill & chelsea
Ladeezman42: the bunjy cord from th window wrks real well
Ladeezman42: xept if its a hi window
Ladeezman42: u bounce rite bak up)
Ladeezman42: wassup?

Party_gurl: its not jenna!!!!

Ladeezman42: ?
Ladeezman42: who IS this?!

Party_gurl: her PA!

Ladeezman42: man this is so messd up
Ladeezman42: how can this b jennas *pa? *
Ladeezman42: im lookin @ jennas sn & buddy pic
Ladeezman42: is this sum joke?
Ladeezman42: cuz i dont have time 4 stupid games w jennas buds k?
Ladeezman42: go tie firecrakers 2 sum knockd up hounds tail
Ladeezman42: like we used 2 do
Ladeezman42: gd CLEAN fun
Ladeezman42: dont go hackin on ur buds im accounts
Ladeezman42: get outside 4 chrissake

Party_gurl: dude its ME
Party_gurl: (kickass43)
Party_gurl: shhh!!!!

Ladeezman42: srsly?
Ladeezman42: G2B2?!
Ladeezman42: i tho u wer offline!
Ladeezman42: like 4ever!!

Party_gurl: i am
Party_gurl: but im @th ranch
Party_gurl: & got this crazy idea 2 use jens laptop
Party_gurl: no 1 gna supena HER laptop
Party_gurl: 4 1 thing theyd nvr get thru th sephora & proactive spam
Party_gurl: (like how much of this crap do these grls need??
Party_gurl: ud think they were resurfacin th frikkin moon!)

Ladeezman42: yeh well U bttr think bout wat ur doin
Ladeezman42: * 4 once *
Ladeezman42: we shdnt b talkin
Ladeezman42: on ANY laptop!!

Party_gurl: pls bud
Party_gurl: NEED u
Party_gurl: got no 1 2 talk 2

Ladeezman42: i cant help that
Ladeezman42: no 1 wants 2 visit u @ that dam ranch
Ladeezman42: shda gotta place on the vineyard like norml bigshots
Ladeezman42: then folks mite wanna hang w u
Ladeezman42: thers WATR 4 starters
Ladeezman42: & like SHADE
Ladeezman42: & like ACTIVITIES
Ladeezman42: sides from cuttin brush in 100+ dgrees
Ladeezman42: * fun *

Party_gurl: dont mean here
Party_gurl: (tho ther aint any1 here neither
Party_gurl: less u count laura
Party_gurl: who sez shes "dun" w politx
Party_gurl: or my inlaws & th twinz
Party_gurl: frankly dude th brush is bttr compny)
Party_gurl: I mean I. GOT. NO. ONE. 2. TALK. 2.
Party_gurl: period
Party_gurl: * no tango amigos *

Ladeezman42: u mean no 1s speakin 2 U
Ladeezman42: as in: on the hole frikkin planet?!

Party_gurl: * el bingo *

Ladeezman42: u can cut w th spanish
Ladeezman42: cuz i aint 1 of ur amnesty buds
Ladeezman42: but it dont surprise me none
Ladeezman42: uve burnt evry1 u kno!
Ladeezman42: uve burnt entire nashuns!
Ladeezman42:uve burnt ur bfls!
Ladeezman42: heck im surprizd if barneys talkin 2 u!

Party_gurl: not tru!

Ladeezman42: TRU

Party_gurl: dogs CANT talk
Party_gurl: duh

Ladeezman42: watta bout th veep?
Ladeezman42: figrd he mite b th last prsn in th wrld 2 talk 2 u

Party_gurl: hes nvr *talkd *
Party_gurl: he jus grunts
Party_gurl: itsta hole languaj
Party_gurl: "hey dick whaddya say we bom iran?"
Party_gurl: 2 grunts = yes
Party_gurl: 1 grunt = no
Party_gurl: but evn he aint gruntin @ me no mor

Ladeezman42: ys he pissd w u?

Party_gurl: hard 2 tell w dick
Party_gurl: cuz mosta th time hes asleep
Party_gurl: then u cant kno if his ansr is a * grunt* or a *snore *
Party_gurl: (i shda menshund he sumtimes * snorts * 2)
Party_gurl: thats how we got in2 th miers mess
Party_gurl: I sed: hey dick y dont we appt ol harry 2 scotus?
Party_gurl: she deservs it!
Party_gurl: wrks hard!
Party_gurl: & like i get 2 grunts bak
Party_gurl: so i think gr8! hes on!
Party_gurl: xept thos wer snors not grunts
Party_gurl: he wakes up & hes like WTF?!
Party_gurl: whod we jus appoint?!!
Party_gurl: (in dick languaj: grunt grunt snort grunt! grunt!)
Party_gurl: but now i think hes pissd
Party_gurl: cuz i wdnt let him play "militry option" on my desktop
Party_gurl: wen he wuz prez for 2.5 hrs
Party_gurl: (u kno--wen i wuz in hospitl gettin my ass checkd out)

Ladeezman42: I'll giv u this dude:
Ladeezman42: u gotta unique talent 4 pissin ppl off
Ladeezman42: (& blve me I kno thatsa compliment comin from me)
Ladeezman42: ur th PRESIDENT of th US of A
Ladeezman42: hole wrld shd be lickin ur ass!!

Party_gurl: hey i still got ASSLICKRS
Party_gurl: jus no buds

Ladeezman42: name 1

Party_gurl: asslickrs?

Ladeezman42: yeh

Party_gurl: ...
Party_gurl: ...
Party_gurl: gonzales!

Ladeezman42: k
Ladeezman42: will giv u him
Ladeezman42: but thats only cuz his tongs stuck on ur ass
Ladeezman42: like its sum frozen pole
Ladeezman42: moment u cut him loose hes a ded man
Ladeezman42: name anudder

Party_gurl: ther r lots
Party_gurl: i.e. mexicn gardenrs LUV me
Party_gurl: theyr like "wher u want this brush stackd el presidente?"
Party_gurl: "may I polish ur saw el presidente?"
Party_gurl: "let me melt ur smore el presidente"
Party_gurl: effin gr8
Party_gurl: cuz like th secrt servis guys
Party_gurl: they dont do smores

Ladeezman42: yeh but 4 all that smore meltin...
Ladeezman42: uve got crickets chirpin on th rite
Ladeezman42: i had a ruff last yr in office 2
Ladeezman42: but i didnt ditch my friends
Ladeezman42: hek i evn pardond mark rich!
Ladeezman42: on my last day!!
Ladeezman42: pissd a hell of alotta ppl off
Ladeezman42: but u dont hear crickets chirpin round me
Ladeezman42: uh uh
Ladeezman42: evn hill now sez ther aint no party w/out me
Ladeezman42: shes bin sujestin--
Ladeezman42: *communicatin *
Ladeezman42: (thru chelsea cuz she still dont like 2 talk 2 me directly
Ladeezman42: less its a campaign commershul)
Ladeezman42: mayb she shd put me on th tickt

Party_gurl: U??
Party_gurl: u cant run agen!
Party_gurl: its illgl

Ladeezman42: not 4 president goof off
Ladeezman42: 4 vp
Ladeezman42: constitushun aint clear bout that
Ladeezman42: ck it out
Ladeezman42: we cd b in for anudder clinton 2-4-1 deal
Ladeezman42: xept w me its like gettin a real big prize--
Ladeezman42: like a flatscreen tv
Ladeezman42: or an iphone
Ladeezman42: not sum crackerjak ring or coupon 4 sumthin u dont want
Ladeezman42: * trial size fresh scent sanipads *
Ladeezman42: like it wuz w her

Party_gurl: no way!
Party_gurl: u wdnt wanna b veep
Party_gurl: wd u???

Ladeezman42: im thinkin bout it
Ladeezman42: get my own manshun
Ladeezman42: solvs the hole "east wing" problm
Ladeezman42: she sez shell thro in alotta trips abroad
Ladeezman42: cd b gd
Ladeezman42: but ive got 2 weigh it agenst bloomberg

Party_gurl: ?

Ladeezman42: yeh
Ladeezman42: his peeps hav bin feelin me up
Ladeezman42: * out*
Ladeezman42: pssbl joint tickt

Party_gurl: ud run w bloomberg??

Ladeezman42: if the $ is rite
Ladeezman42: theyr current offers th veep posishun...
Ladeezman42: + 2% of th campaign budget...
Ladeezman42: + 20% of every dollar I raise
Ladeezman42: think i can hold out 4 mor
Ladeezman42: so long as hill stays strong in th polls

Party_gurl: cant buhleev ud sell out like that
Party_gurl: wait mayb i can

Ladeezman42: u hav 2 lern 2 spin this x-prez biz
Ladeezman42: ull c
Ladeezman42: mak ur last yr in office rlly count
Ladeezman42: stand by ur friends
Ladeezman42: dont say "wat " say "pardon"
Ladeezman42: if u kno wat i mean
Ladeezman42: theyll thank u 4 it
Ladeezman42: *l8r *
Ladeezman42: omg!

Party_gurl: wat?
Party_gurl: *pardon *?

Ladeezman42: ive kept an intern waitin outside my door!
Ladeezman42: a hot 1!

Party_gurl: how can u tell?

Ladeezman42: got her up on my "billycam"
Ladeezman42: ...
Ladeezman42: ...

Party_gurl: uh bill?
Party_gurl: u still ther??

Ladeezman42: Auto-reply: The Clinton Global Initiative is designed to inspire action. Find out how you can contribute by going to www.clintonglobalinitiative.org.

DON'T LET THE PRESIDENT HAVE THE LAST LAUGH! Danielle Crittenden's hilarious collection of imaginary online correspondence between the POTUS and his "buddy list" is now available in a dead tree edition by Simon Spotlight Entertainment. You'll find THE PRESIDENT'S SECRET IMs at Amazon and bookstores across the country.