The Secret Presidential IMs: Bush & Clinton Swap Chick Problems

10:07 p.m.

Ladeezman42: yo

Ladeezman42: u ther dude?

Kickass43: yeh

Kickass43: so wat?

Ladeezman42: u talkin 2 me?

Kickass43: y dya care?

Kickass43: thot U wernt tokkin 2 ME...

Ladeezman42: man im ALWYS talkin 2 u

Ladeezman42: ur still tha main man

Ladeezman42: & I prechiated yr wrds

Ladeezman42: in last wk's SOTU

Ladeezman42: wen u sed "my ol man's 2 favrite ppl--me & Bill Clinton"

Ladeezman42: man dat took guts

Ladeezman42: bet ur bro jeb wuz surprizd

Kickass43: dude dats y I sed it

Kickass43: u & my ol man r like BFs

Kickass43: all my freakin life I'm like:

Kickass43: wot do I gotta do 4 my ol man 2 like me bttr than jeb??

Kickass43: he sez: stop bein a badass

Kickass43: so I stop bein a badass

Kickass43: bcome 2-term prez...

Kickass43: drink nuffin strongr than a freakin buckler...

Kickass43: evn on 9/11...

Kickass43: & whose his biggst BFL now...?

Kickass43: U!!

Kickass43: biggst badass EVER

Kickass43: sux

Ladeezman42: so y u tell tha world

Ladeezman42: if it sux so much?

Kickass43: cuz it pisses jeb

Kickass43: & sides tha ol man told me 2 thank u

Kickass43: 4 all tha katrina stuff

Kickass43: blah blah blah

Ladeezman42: sry dude

Ladeezman42: but we're still buds rite?

Kickass43: :-/

Ladeezman42: I need u man!!

Kickass43: thot u didn't

Kickass43: now dat hllry's soooo outta tha race 4 '08

Kickass43: ur badass is safe

Kickass43: no need 2 make me look gd no mor

Kickass43: u gotta go help ur old bud gore

Kickass43: he's tha moveon.org king now

Ladeezman42: wat a joke

Ladeezman42: tha only reason dat dude's still walkin

Ladeezman42: is cuz he's solar-powerd by dat bald spot on his hed

Ladeezman42: at nite they gotta tuck his robotic ass away

Ladeezman42: save on batteries

Kickass43: lol

Ladeezman42: glad I can still make u laff bud

Ladeezman42: cuz I gotta big problem

Ladeezman42: mayb u can help

Ladeezman42: yr ol man cuddnt...

Ladeezman42: kno ur busy

Ladeezman42: wit mddle east blowin up etc.

Kickass43: uh yeh

Kickass43: kinda

Kickass43: u didn't help

Kickass43: standin by tha islamo nutbars

Kickass43: pilin on r danish buds

Kickass43: wat u say agen?

Kickass43: like thos cartoons r "ttlly outrajus"

Kickass43: like ur "appalld"

Kickass43: like THANX

Ladeezman42: dude!!

Ladeezman42: I wuz in QATAR!!!

Ladeezman42: wat wuz I gonna say?!

Ladeezman42: "The cartoon portraying Mohammed as a terrorist was amusing satire"

Ladeezman42: rite

Kickass43: u cudda puntd it

Kickass43: u didn't hav 2 ttlly dis tha danes

Ladeezman42: danes gonna do fine

Ladeezman42: its all gonna blow ovr

Ladeezman42: they'll torch a few embassies

Ladeezman42: flip a few cars

Ladeezman42: den tha mobs'll get bored

Ladeezman42: like they did in paris

Kickass43: wat bout tha boycott?

Ladeezman42: like y r tha danes so worried bout a muslim boycott?

Ladeezman42: ther top xports r booze, porno & bacon

Ladeezman42: man I can up my consumption of all 3

Ladeezman42: & personally offset tha lost mrkt

Kickass43: man heres wat I don't get

Ladeezman42: wat

Kickass43: y do these crazy dudes protest being caricatchurd as terrorists...

Kickass43: by threatenin mor terrorism??

Kickass43: like duh

Kickass43: "hey mo, let's show up at tha demo dressd as suicide bombrs!"

Kickass43: "let's find danish ppl & cut dem in2 pieces!!"

Ladeezman42: dunno

Ladeezman42: sum ppl hav no self-control I ges

Ladeezman42: which reminds me

Ladeezman42: I NEED ur help wit sumpin!!

Kickass43: ?

Ladeezman42: k so its v-day nxt wk rite?

Kickass43: uh oh

Kickass43: frgot

Kickass43: :-[

Ladeezman42: ur a happly married man

Kickass43: til nxt wk

Ladeezman42: rite

Ladeezman42: & I had PLANS

Ladeezman42: suite @ 4 seasons

Ladeezman42: champagne/ flowers/ chocolates

Ladeezman42: rez @ smokin hot restaurant

Kickass43: wow!

Kickass43: all this 4 hill?

Kickass43: how long u 2 bin hitchd?!

Ladeezman42: not HLLRY!

Ladeezman42: :-O

Ladeezman42: man dis wuz 4 my GF

Ladeezman42: or shud I say my GF 2 b

Kickass43: o

Kickass43: ;-)

Ladeezman42: so dis is my PROBLEM

Ladeezman42: like hill calls

Ladeezman42: she's all kissy kissy

Ladeezman42: "So what r we doin for v-day hon?"

Ladeezman42: xoxoxoxo

Ladeezman42: I'm like scratchin my hed

Ladeezman42: I DON'T REMEMBER spendin v-day wit her

Ladeezman42: like not 4 tha past decade

Ladeezman42: xept post-monica

Ladeezman42: had 2 buy her a negligee...

Ladeezman42: champagne/flowers/chocolates

Ladeezman42: all dat shit

Kickass43: yeh yeh

Ladeezman42: then tha litebulb goes on

Ladeezman42: man she's in troubl

Ladeezman42: real T-R-O-U-B-L

Ladeezman42: so she's cozyin up 2 me 2 pls tha base

Ladeezman42: she wants dat lovey-dovey photo-op wit dear ol bill

Kickass43: heck she needs u man

Kickass43: dat "plantashun" speech

Kickass43: like look who thinks she's a brother

Ladeezman42: who dya think fed her dat line?

Kickass43: ?

Ladeezman42: ME!

Ladeezman42: dat wuz bttr than tha "stay home & bke cookies"

Ladeezman42: she aint nvr gonna recover from dat

Ladeezman42: "Sure hon. Gr8 line! Make sure u use it!"

Ladeezman42: warner can run it on a loop durin tha convenshun

Ladeezman42: but its ricochetd bad

Ladeezman42: cuz now she needs me again

Ladeezman42: & I did NOT book a table 4 2 at Del Posto 2 share wit hllry!

Ladeezman42: so wat am I gonna do??

Ladeezman42: ur a married man!

Ladeezman42: tell me!

Ladeezman42: SOS!

Kickass43: dats tuff

Kickass43: dunno

Kickass43: bin a LONG time since I spent v-day wit a GF

Kickass43: & u kno laura

Kickass43: she's happy wit take-out

Ladeezman42: wantd 2 ask yer ol man

Ladeezman42: but he's not cool wit tha GF

Ladeezman42: he'd tell me 2 spend it wit hllry

Ladeezman42: dya kno wat hllry wants 2 do?

Kickass43: dude I don't lissen in on EVRYBODY

Ladeezman42: k get this

Ladeezman42: she's snagged sum donor's plane

Ladeezman42: wants 2 wing down 2 littl rok

Ladeezman42: "jus tha 2 of us"

Ladeezman42: hav sum bbq at r ol' roadside joint

Ladeezman42: c tha "old haunts"

Ladeezman42: "re-ignite tha magic"

Kickass43: ew

Ladeezman42: xactly

Ladeezman42: meanwile I cud b wit a supermodel

Ladeezman42: sloshin bak krug

Ladeezman42: in my sweet suite

Ladeezman42: man!

Ladeezman42: do I LOOK like I still eat BBQ?

Kickass43: rlly sry man

Kickass43: cant help u

Kickass43: havent been there

Kickass43: but kno how u feel

Ladeezman42: how can u kno??

Ladeezman42: u jus sed u nvr bin ther

Kickass43: yeh but chicks r always stoppin me from wat I want 2 do

Kickass43: they alwys reckin plans

Ladeezman42: I kno dat

Ladeezman42: but U??!

Ladeezman42: gimme jus 1 example church boy

Kickass43: k

Kickass43: so these islamo nutbars r flippin out rite?

Kickass43: like we were jus sayin

Ladeezman42: uh huh

Kickass43: tha riots hav SYRIA all ovr em

Kickass43: theyr burnin tha frog flag in damascus

Kickass43: not jus tha danes

Kickass43: wats dat bout rite?

Ladeezman42: yr point...?

Kickass43: it's all bout syria!

Kickass43: theyr at it again!!

Kickass43: so I sez 2 condi:

Kickass43: lets jus take these dudes out once & 4 all

Kickass43: man theyr so TINY

Kickass43: not like iran rite?

Kickass43: lets jus take em out

Kickass43: BAM!

Ladeeman42: u mean take out SYRIA?

Kickass43: yeh

Kickass43: y not?

Ladeezman42: uh becuz its like a HOLE country??

Kickass43: u mean a shit-hole country

Kickass43: condi's like: that's not a good idea rite now sir.

Kickass43: I'm like: so when?

Kickass43: & condi's like: not now.

Kickass43: & I'm like PLS

Kickass43: & she's like: I'm not ready to go that far yet.

Kickass43: & I'm like, so wen will u b?

Kickass43: & she's like, I dunno.

Kickass43: it's sooooo frustratin!!!

Ladeezman42: feel ur pain bud

Ladeezman42: tho I nvr wantd 2 take out a country

Ladeezman42: jus a hot babe

Kickass43: o dats rite

Kickass43: frgot ur "aspirin factry man"

Kickass43: boo hoo!

Kickass43: I mite hit sum1!!

Ladeezman42: hey don't knock it

Ladeezman42: lets c u b mr. popular wen u leave office

Kickass43: tooshay

Kickass43: so wat u gonna do re hllry?

Ladeezman42: *sigh *

Ladeezman42: dunno

Ladeezman42: mayb u can get me a rez at tha hottest restaurant in copenhagen...?

Ladeezman42: send me ovr as a spechul envoy

Ladeezman42: "heal tha wounds"....?

Kickass43: sry

Kickass43: ur 2 late

Kickass43: where dya think my ol man wants 2 take my ma?

Ladeezman42: :-(

Kickass43: hey heres a plan

Kickass43: helps me 2

Kickass43: dems bin pushin 4 a WH briefin on this NSA crap

Kickass43: y don't I invite sum top senators 2 a "supersecret" briefin at tha WH on...oh...say Feb 14?

Ladeezman42: :-)

Ladeezman42: bout 7 p.m.?

Kickass43: done

Ladeezman42: wat bout laura?

Ladeezman42: it IS v-day

Ladeezman42: how u gonna hav a romantic dinner wit senators hangin in ur crib?

Kickass43: no problemo

Kickass43: harry can do tha briefin

Ladeezman42: miers?

Kickass43: she'd luv it

Kickass43: & it wd serve those dem senators rite

Kickass43: sides she'd jus b hangin round laura & I on v-day

Kickass43: complainin souter hasn't calld

Ladeezman42: lemme tell u sumpin bout chicks

Ladeezman42: they CARE bout v-day

Kickass43: nah

Kickass43: not laura

Kickass43: she's cool

Kickass43: she don't xpect no candles & "luv u 4ever" stuff

Ladeezman42: ur rong

Ladeezman42: they ALL do

Ladeezman42: no matter wat they say

Ladeezman42: they want tha teddy bear floral arrangemnts...

Ladeezman42: & sumpin dat sparkles

Kickass43: rlly??

Ladeezman42: rlly

Ladeezman42: sumpin dat'll blind her in tha sun

Kickass43: hmm

Kickass43: well I WUZ gonna get her dat 4 her birthday...

Kickass43: but mayb ur rite

Kickass43: cd do it 4 v-day

Ladeezman42: is it rlly rlly big?

Kickass43: it's HUGE man

Kickass43: it's a nu brush saw

Ladeezman42: um

Ladeezman42: wuz thinkin sumpin mor in tha bling dept...

Kickass43: nah

Kickass43: I KNO she'll prefer tha brush saw

Ladeezman42: ok

Ladeezman42: ur tha boss

Ladeezman42: I'll b toastin u wit bubbly from gotham

Kickass43: u btter b bud

Kickass43: u owe me big time now

Ladeezman42: :-*

Kickass43 has left the chat.

"The Secret Presidential IMs" appears every Tuesday.