I taught elementary school for 10 years before becoming a stay-at-home mom. One thing I observed during my years in the classroom is that the way parents divorce and co-parent has a profound effect on their children's academic and emotional behavior. So when my husband and I divorced, I used what I learned from my students and their parents in executing our settlement, writing our custody agreement and co-parenting our children.
During my early years of teaching, I taught a third grader who lived with each of his parents 50 percent of the time. Gavin stayed with one parent Monday through Wednesday and the other parent from Thursday to Sunday. They would alternate this schedule weekly and frequently adjust it to accommodate their business travel plans. While Gavin seemed to have loving parents, this schedule caused the boy so much anxiety that it interfered with his schoolwork. He would break down toward the end of the day because he could not remember if he was going to the after school program or if his mother was coming to pick him up. Occasionally, his parents forgot too, and the wrong parent would arrive or forget to show up on a given day. His parents had two sets of all of his belongings, right down to duplicate backpacks. The problem was that Gavin often left his homework or necessary supplies at the other parent's house and would come to school in tears. While this type of custody arrangement may work for some families, it certainly did not work for his.
At least Gavin had parents who seemed to be amicable toward each other. Robert, a fourth grader I taught, had parents who could not be in the same room together without fighting. During back-to-school night, Robert's father asked a question as I gave my presentation. Robert's mother wrinkled her nose and stuck out her tongue at him in front of a room full of parents. While I was shocked at her display of immaturity, I was hardly surprised when Robert had difficulty getting along with his classmates and respecting authority. His parents were not role models of appropriate social behavior at all.
Several times during my teaching career, I have taught children whose parents were in the midst of a divorce. Amelia, a fourth grader, showed some of the classic signs of emotional distress before I even knew what was going on at home. Her grades slipped, she forgot numerous homework assignments and became tearful in the middle of the day. When I met with her to discuss her academic issues, Amelia confided that her parents were divorcing because of her father's infidelity. She told me that her mother told her, "All men cheat. That's just the way they are." Expressing her beliefs may have made Amelia's mother feel better, but I wonder if she considered how a statement like that might affect Amelia's future relationships. At a time when children's lives are being turned upside down, they need their parents to comfort them. It should not be the other way around.
As my divorce became imminent, I knew I wouldn't act immaturely like Robert's parents or use my children as confidants like Amelia's mother did. While I wanted my children to spend time with both of their parents, it didn't seem fair to have them bounce from house to house like Gavin. I resolved to have a divorce that was more like Jacob's parents.
Jacob, a second grader, was an outgoing and well-liked child. He worked hard and his grades were above average. I met his divorced parents for the first time at our parent-teacher conference. They arrived together and acted friendly toward one another. When I told them how much Jacob enjoyed learning about space, they set a date to take him to the planetarium together.
My divorce was emotionally devastating, but after seeing so many of my students deal with family issues, I knew I needed to navigate the process carefully for the sake of my children. Even though I felt hurt, angry and betrayed, I suggested that my husband and I use a mediator to handle our divorce with as little conflict as possible. We worked out a parenting schedule that is fair to both parents and puts our children's needs first. My ex-husband and I co-parent by communicating civilly on an almost-daily basis. Is it difficult to do so? Yes. Is it worth it? Yes. When I consider how important my relationship with my ex-husband is to my children's well-being, I know our peaceful, friendly interaction is worth the effort. We are far from perfect, but I'm proud of the way my ex-husband and I co-parent. After seeing so many students struggle, this teacher learned a lesson about co-parenting peacefully.
*All students' names have been changed
That is the key. In your experience, the other parent didn't want to be a co-parent. Let me tell you that there are other divorces where the experience is that one parent does not want the other parent to co-parent. Both are big issues and both ignore the child's best interests. Divorce as a legal and personal process needs to cope with both.
That way, we the parents bounce around, the kids don't. We can handle it. They shouldn't need to.
Furthermore, Gavin's story doesn't hang together. He is confused about where he's going after school because his parents split custody equally? Would he be less confused if his father picked him up from school only on Thursdays and alternate Fridays? Please explain, former teacher.
A different story is told when we move beyond single anecdotes and examine better sources of information, such as research studies involving systematic collection of data by degreed social scientists, rigorous analysis using sophisticated statistical techniques, consideration of counter-intuitive explanations and review by a jury of other researchers. These studies show that kids need active relationships with both parents, and every other weekend schedules don't provide enough time for that.
Your homework is to go to Google Scholar and see if this former teacher knows what she is talking about. As is, I'm unable to give her a passing grade.
She also stated that she chose to find a schedule that was fair to each parent but put her children first. I think she realizes that the more time children are able to spend with a parent, the better the relationship is, and therefore, the better it is for the child. I don't think she is trying to say children should be part of the old "every other weekend and two weeks in the summer" custody agreements. This one story with Gavin showed that with the parents splitting the time during the week and then changing the schedule due to travel left everyone a bit confused at times and she did not want the same for her own children.
Please try and remember the context of the article you are reading while commenting.
heart-tugging stories supporting the status quo do not by themselves
provide evidence for general guidelines. I did that. I don't see a
problem.
I'll suggest a more compelling approach for this and
future writers on divorce. Feel free to give us your personal story
with all its individual flavor. Then add more general observations,
preferably by someone with experience and training in doing so, like
a researcher, demographer or statistician. That's convincing writing.
Furthermore, neither you nor anybody else responded to my
question about why Gavin would be confused by going to one parent's
home after school for a full week at a time, but not by going to one
parents home after school every Thursday and alternate Fridays. This
is a legitimate question. What's the explanation?
As I've
pointed out elsewhere (and as you surely know since you have taken
care to make your own remarks in context) if you make the decision
about whether or not to smoke by looking at your uncle who burned a
pack every day of his life and lived to be 80, you are probably
making a mistake. Informal observation, commonsense analysis and
following others' example only works to a limited extent. The
discussion of divorce's effects on children deserves examination of
the best evidence, not merely anecdotes about unnamed single kids
that support the status quo.
--a motto that served me well for many years when dealing with my ex.
A quick consult of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs tells you after basic survival needs, kids need security and stability foremost. I don't think weekly and midweekly custody exchanges qualifies as satisfying this need and is more likely an arrangement created to satisfy the interests of the parents rather than the needs of the kids. Until they are old enough to manage the movement to and fro largely on their own, its really important to keep things as stable as possible for them. And that means simple.... changing addresses on a monthly or quarterly basis would likely be far better for little ones.
What about disease? None of us choose to get cancer or diabetes or have a heart attack, and yet every day we smoke and drink and eat too much and don't exercise and ride bikes without helmets and text while driving and make all sorts of unhealthy choices that almost guarantee an early death or severe illness/disability — is this putting "our children's needs first"?
Don't be selective and don't be righteous; divorce is one small part of the many actions we make that may or may not hurt our kids, and sometimes staying in a marriage is absolutely not putting "our children's needs first." Stop the judgment!
Everybody has the inalienable right to divorce anybody at any time for any reason or for no reason. But they ought to have complete and accurate information about the effects of their decision before they make it. You'd like to suppress that information. It's hard to see that as a good thing.
Given a choice, I'd never see or speak with my ex - ever again. As it is, I make an effort every day to push aside my own feelings so we can co-parent. We do things together with the children. We make all decisions together. We communicate with each other, and support each other as parents. It's HARD. And it's working. Our children are thriving. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, and I have to continue doing it for years to come. So thank you for your judgment and snark, and for minimizing how much effort and pain is really wrapped up in those phrases you dismiss so readily.
Put the blame where it belongs. On people that walk on their commitments.
A running statement among my coworkers of various generations is: After your third divorce, go and tell the first one you divorced you are so sorry because you were the problem.
At 20 when the divorce started, I cried every night about not being loved by my father. At 23, I realize I don't need him. I'll always want to be a daddy's girl, and be sad he's not in my life- but I know now that that's his choice, not mine, and I have no control.
And further more, my mom's been great. Growing up she might not have been the best mother because she was depressed from the marriage, but now that she's happier the family is happier. Things are wonderful. My life is wonderful. Your kids will always be sad, but one day they won't be in pain anymore.