To my awesome friends, who are all in relationships, and are very concerned about my single lifestyle:
I love you guys, I do. I understand that you're only trying to help. Women want their friends to be happy -- it's practically a law of nature. I love that you're all happy in your new found or long-term relationships, respectively. But make no mistake -- on those Saturday nights when you're all shacked up, I'm not shriveled up on my couch watching The Notebook, wiping away tears with the fur of my cat. On those weekends when all of you leave the city to go see your significant others, I head out with my roommates, my cousins, my friends from Long Island -- whoever happens to be around that night. I'm lucky enough to have options.
I know why I'm single. There's nothing "wrong" with me. I just happen to enjoy dating nerds, and approximately 86 percent of the nerds who live in New York City are taken. The other 14 percent aren't out at the dive bars that we frequent, or the clubs that we can get into for free. I know where they are, and if I wanted to, I could go in search of them. They're writing their novels in a coffee shop somewhere. They're browsing used books at The Strand. On most nights, they're at home spending time with technology; playing video games or surfing the web. If they're out drinking, they're most likely at some quiet, classy happy hour. And don't get me wrong -- it's nice of you to offer to head out to one of those classy happy hours with me. I appreciate that you would sacrifice that 3-dollar bud light special to sip on a 26-dollar glass of Merlot. But that doesn't sound appealing to me at all right now. Spending 26 dollars on anything that you'd have to sip on in order for me to meet a potential boyfriend seems like an extreme measure to be taking at this point. It's not that serious yet. Maybe I'll take you up on that offer when I hit my thirties -- although you may all be married with kids by then, in which case you'll just be obligated to set me up with their pediatrician or something. We'll work it out.
That's another thing: setting me up. I do not want to date your boyfriend's friends, no matter how awesome your boyfriend claims his "bro" to be. I especially don't want to just "hook up" with them, either. You think that girls talk? Guys are way worse about keeping their sexual escapades a secret, and I wouldn't want to be known in your boyfriend's circle of friends as "that friend who gives sloppy blow jobs" (which is untrue) or "the chick who doesn't spend enough time on top" (which may be a little bit true...). Stop asking me, "What was wrong with that guy the other night?!" whenever we meet someone out at a bar who you deem a viable dating option for me. For starters, I wasn't even paying attention to him -- I was too busy taking full advantage of that free happy hour we won while screaming along to the genius lyrics of Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe." If I had liked that guy, I would have followed Carly Rae's expert love advice and offered him my number.
"But he runs his own company, he just lost 30 pounds, he's traveled all over the world, Donald Trump is his uncle!" Oh, really? How cool! But do you know why I didn't know any of these things? Because he too was busy hitting on YOU, hence why he was offering up all of these awesome little details about himself. You must have forgotten to wear that flashing neon sign that I made you to indicate that you're taken. But again, it's OK! I don't even remember which guy we're talking about. Oh, and for the love of God -- I'm done experimenting with the online dating scene, so please stop sending me the latest dating site to hit the web. Stop asking me if I've checked that OKCupid account that you made for me. These messages aren't even viable self-esteem boosters anymore. I thought I was done with the whole "yo ma wuz good hit me back sumtime" conversation when I stopped joining chat rooms in the 90's.
Bottom line -- I'm not actively looking for someone to share my Facebook relationship status with. I'm enjoying my 20's. I'm partying my face off every weekend. There's no need to feel bad for me, no need to make it your personal mission to set me up. I'm not saying that I wouldn't take you up on the offer to meet a nerdy guy from your office now and then, but don't go combing cubicles in search of one. I'm happy with exactly the way my life is right now, and I wouldn't change a thing.
Your friend Danielle
P.S. Drinks tonight?
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