While some kids seem to never be without friends, others have more trouble making or keeping them. For others still, long-held friendships can be lost when families relocate or change schools, ending relationships that are not easily replaced.
However it occurs, a sense of isolation and alienation can deeply effect a child's life, as well as his or her parents' lives. Watching your children go through their days without friends can be one of the most painful experiences a mom or dad can face, as we wrote about in our piece on coping with crushing moments.
And the pain a mom or dad feels for their child may well ignite a burning desire to somehow jump into their child's life and fix it. Yet a parent who attempts to intervene too much can soon find themselves feeling as helpless and disconnected as their child.
So what can help?
As with all matters in life, it's very important to try to understand why your child may be without friends. The possibilities can include everything from the aforementioned family move or school change, to the more subtle ways a child may be lacking in social skills -- or their lack of confidence in their social skills -- which can cause them to further withdraw from others.
There are other conditions, such as Asperger's syndrome, which can make it difficult for a child to blend harmoniously in social settings, and may require professional support. Within the limits of this discussion, however, we are rather speaking of the more common experience of feeling alone that many of us may have had at times, with the attendant sense of isolation, or an inability to connect with others.
So mom and dad need to listen carefully to the various cues and clues their child might be offering or enacting. Should a child be able to speak about their social difficulties, parents can help best when they can listen with a steady, empathetic equanimity -- not with an eye to instantly fixing it.
A calm, measured approach that embraces the time it can take to build relationships can help bring a sense of perspective to a lonely period.
Should, however, the child fall into silence about their sense of alienation and loneliness, then finding gentle ways to reconnect them with their peers can include play-dates for pre-adolescents; for adolescents, activities that can casually include potential friends to share in activities of common interest. Youth clubs, sports teams, or community involvements can also help put your child around others, easing their sense of isolation while providing opportunities to participate with their peers outside of school, or who don't attend their school, should that feel more comfortable to them.
The key is to find creative ways for them to meet and share activities with others without allowing your own concerns or sadness to make them feel "different" or somehow in need of special "assistance." And when they bring up their feelings, don't seem too ready to sound the alarm.
A calm reassurance, a revisiting of the Golden Rule and a practical approach to providing new opportunities can all help, along with the understanding that friendships take time. Such an approach can ease their concerns, and allow them to see themselves as in a process, rather than as hopelessly damaged goods.
As you seek to understand the reasons for why they do not have friends, a good place to start is to ask their teachers at school what they are seeing. Does your child sit with others at snack or lunch, or are they often alone? Do they play or hang out with others at recess, or do they more often seek asylum in the school library?
Some kids may appear to have normal social lives at school, yet still feel alone or "different" at home, which also may signal how they are feeling about themselves - which can give you your cue and clue as to how to begin to help them.
For more on this and other topics, visit us at our website TheDancingParent.com where you can find many helpful resources for moms and dads. Until next time, keep dancing! (copyrighted materials)
Nobody Likes Me: Helping Children Make Friends | Education.com
Teaching Social Skills - How to Teach Your Child Social Skills and ...
Modern parents are compulsive "fixers". They try to micro-manage their children's lives---some from a good distance away. Everyone has their own personality, but trying to teach your child "How to make friends" is applying YOUR method on them.
As the parent of a brilliant young woman who went through the special ed system (yes, brilliant kids can still have special needs.) I anguished about her ability to find friends, and make a social life of her own. I discovered the most basic of lessons. Kids can play all by themselves. They can find and pick their own companions, and if you interfere with the process, it might not be in their best interests.
My daughter decided "different" was cool.
She knew by the age of 10 that she wasn't like "everyone else", and became her own person. Today she has a solid group of friends, and is not prone to be a follower. If she wants to do something, she doesn't need "group permission".
Is it possible that what a parent perceives as an "inability" to make friends is simply their child figuring out how to do it themselves...instead of following what makes the parent feel comfortable?
Many days I end up in tears because I don't know what to do and I want to be able to have some time to myself, instead of worrying about occupying hers for 17 hours on Sat and Sun. I'm at the point of either making her get a job or putting her in counseling (but I'm not sure if that can teach her social skills). But I'm at my wits end and am counting down my days til summer as she lives with her father during that time.
But let me just focus on her, because I can relate to some of what you've descibed.
I think she needs some practice making conversation. She probably doesn't have a strong sense of identity or purpose, she's in her teens I'm assuming. Is she on the team because she wants to stay in shape, was hoping to make friends, and have some curricular activities on her application for college? Well I think she needs a fresh start, and should consider getting involved in some other thing. It'll be pretty difficult to change the teammates perception and reception of your daughter, and I think she shouldn't waste her time and keep being so alienated.
Have a talk about what she wants to do, what she loves to do, what interests her, and get her searching for clubs or ways to get into it. Maybe she could benefit from one of those big sister programs. But she needs practice talking, understanding the playful nature of social exchanges.
In order to improve on asserting herself, she needs to build instincts for how to express herself and connect with others. The trick is she needs to learn, understand, observe, absorb, and practice good social interaction and most important of all she needs to learn how to feel comfortable in her shoes and relax, and put her guard down when she wants. Takes time.