College Crunch Time: Dreams, Decisions, Drama

April is the apex of the college crunch -- as inevitable and seasonal as the holidays or hay fever. "The envelope please" are magic words not just at the Oscars, but at the "Ivies". These days the college envelope might be opened online -- but it hasn't lost its drama. For the winners it's the yellow brick road to fame and fortune. For the losers....well, at least they aren't forced to fake a smile in front of a worldwide television audience. But you can almost hear the sound effects in homes across America: hearts breaking, bubbles bursting, dreams swirling down the drain.

College crunch time is bad enough for a kid. It's far worse as a parent. Nothing hurts more than when your kid is rejected -- whether by a 4 year old on the playground or by Harvard. And once colleges make their choices, the kids make theirs. The SATs are over, but some face the first test of adult life -- when character is defined and strengthened not by acceptance -- but by rejection.

For parents, this milestone can feel like the make or break moment of your parenting career. Validation that you steered your kid in the right direction and set them on the right path. Parenting moves into a new phase, but it's far from over. In some ways, it's the most challenging test yet.

Personally, I did far better on the SATs.

Growing up in my home, it was all about education. The day I graduated from Yale as part of the first class that included women was one of the proudest days of my father's life. From the moment my first child was born, he talked about where she might go to college.

He didn't live to see that day. Still, I know he would have felt exactly the way I did when my daughter tossed aside her legacy, her stellar record and resume. She had formed her own ideas about choices. She turned down schools like UCLA -- and she chose UPS.

And not the UPS we were offering: Unlimited Parental Support to the college of her choice. She chose the better-known, brown version of UPS: United Parcel Service.

This wasn't a whim or a part-time job; she chose to move out, support herself, and find her own way in the world. I remember watching her move her heavy file cabinet down a flight of stairs and into her car. I refused to help -- because I refused to accept what was happening.

Though our family's experience was extreme -- many parents face challenges at this fork in the road ....accepting choices made by colleges, and choices made by their children. It's a time when parents can have tunnel vision, like I did. It took awhile for me to take my focus off college -- and keep it on my child. And to remember no matter what is in those envelopes, an education at an elite institution doesn't guarantee a successful life, no matter how you define success.

At the time, I wrote a magazine piece about this. And maybe my experience can provide some hope -- that despite the drama of the college crunch, the choices that work are not necessarily the ones at the top of the list.

When my daughter made her decisions, I thought they were all wrong. The irony was that in the end, her decisions turned out to be all right....for her.

And what more could any parent want? She chose her own path; proving that she was an adult who could -- and did -- take complete responsibility for herself. When she finally started college a few years later, she attended at night while working fulltime 6 days a week.

The first step in her ongoing education was a local junior college. As I watched her graduation, I thought of how far it was from the ivy covered campus I had once imagined. By then, the college drama was history; and I could not have been more proud of all my daughter has accomplished.

Which proves everything is relative.
And also proves the value of two important words for parents -- choice and acceptance:

Raising children who are equipped to make their own choices.
Being able to accept them.

I will always appreciate the life lesson my daughter taught me; it applies to college season, or any season afterwards. The choices belong to my children. My part is to advise, accept -- and applaud.

Comments

[ArdentV]

I taught for forty seven years, thirty two at the university level. My son decided against college and pursued a career in ballet. He performed for fourteen years and loved it. I say this with a mixture of pride and concern. I was also the subject of a bit of ridicule from some of my colleagues one of whom said to me, "How can you let your son do this?" I was furious but only responded, "It was his decision and I am proud of him." Did he become famous? No. Was he pleased with his decision? Yes. When did my concerns become irrelevant? When I first saw him perform professionally and I bawled like a baby. It is a relief to look back and know, I was not a helicopter parent but I have to say, it was hard. Where am I going with this? I don't know but this blog made me feel a lot better about my son's decision. Thank you

[Darryle Pollack - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank YOU for your willingness to share your experience so honestly. I am sure it strikes home for many other parents in addition to me, who have faced challenges in accepting the choices made by our children.

[ArdentV]

And Thank You. My son is now 45, lives over 2,000 miles away but calls at least once a week if not more. I cannot be more pleased.

[gangwayjan]

I always knew I would go to college -- as did most of my friends. This may not seem remarkable. Given our roots ( Ethnic Chicago, mid 60's, no family history of college, no loans/ money and many institutions closed to women, professional choices limited to nursing, secretarial school and teaching) our committment was incredible. I said to my parents, "I'm going to college"; they said, "that's nice, how are you going to pay for it?" We went to State schools -- most to the Univniversity of Illinois at Chicago. We worked our asses off. We hung around at at a cafeteria table (The Pier Room). My colleagues include: University professors, a movie/TV star, a US Senator, 2 US Congressmen, an Episcopal priest, a school principal, many lawyers, engineers and corporate executives, police detectives, an Advisor the President and lobbyists, a doctor or 2. And those are just the ones I can still name. We chose and made the most of it.

The writer is spot on: I still envy the kids who can go the the smaller elite places, as my kids do (I would have given anything to forego those 200 persons lectures). On the other hand, I advise kids today: Don't fall for the name, fall for the education. There are 500 schools out there that can give you a great education -- there is not "one "school for you but many. Pick a few; be grateful for choice and glory in the chance to learn.

[Darryle Pollack - Huffpost Blogger]

Very thoughtful comments. Although a college education is a wonderful opportunity and experience, it's not for everyone. Kids who don't finish can feel like failures when maybe they should not have even started. And an Ivy League education doesn't always lead graduates towards a traditional career. There are an infinite number of paths to a "successful" or "better" or "happier" life.

[AdvancedDegree]

As someone whose mission in life is to get as many inner-city students into college as I can, I still believe in everyone needing a college degree. Now, it may end up that some of my students' degrees may come from a junior college, a career college, or a technical college. Either way, what I try to encourage in young people is to search for learning opportunities that will assist them in nurturing their strengths in addition to fueling their passions. My concern is not with the name of the school or the kind of degree; my focus is on them learning that they alone are responsible for the direction of their lives.

[Darryle Pollack - Huffpost Blogger]

I wholeheartedly support your mission and admire what you are doing. I also agree that no matter where students are coming from and no matter where they get "educated", your last line says it all.

[JScott]

Why all these stories about getting into 'top' colleges. The reality is most HS grads I'll bet opt for community college and state colleges and don't obsess over all this, and parents don't have to ante up for huge college expenses either. At least that's what it was like when I was in college...­.....has it really changed ALL that much????????

[EmeraldWorld]

YES. I'm a college sophomore, and in my high school everyone was obsessing over college applications (one of my classmates applied to 21 colleges-insane isn't it?) And moreover, most of us were looking at private colleges for our top choices and looking at state colleges as backups (sounds harsh/elitist, but it is what it is.) I got into my first choice (an excellent liberal arts college), but a lot of my HS classmates went to state schools for a variety of reasons (rejection from top choices, financial aid issues, etc.).

Even if more HS students still opt for state colleges and community colleges, it's much more competitive because more people are graduating.

[Darryle Pollack - Huffpost Blogger]

I think you're both right, though I have no official statistics. Many, if not most high school grads probably still opt for community colleges and state schools, largely due to economic reality---and kids can get a great education.
I also think Emerald World is right---- things have changed--and the college process is far more intense than it was before. 21 schools does sound insane but it's not unusual, and I know kids who appied to almost 30. I'm not sure who can get more obsessed---the kids or the parents.

[cktirumalai]

Children can indeed educate their parents in their own way, as yours did. But it is not every parent who appreciates the education.
The Ivy League path is a hallowed one but I know of at least one person who having taken it and walked it to the end chose to live the rest of his life as an eccentric contemplative: not a "successful" life by ordinary criteria and even a disturbed one but he lived it for decades, spending part of every day in conversation with people he found interesting, with a courage indifferent to the expectations of his class. He came from a family of independent means.

[WMuhlenfeld]

I agree that one of the best things you can do for a kid is teach them how to maximize choice in his/her life. But I do think that college and the admissions process operates in cultish overdrive. Half of the kids who enter as freshmen never get degrees. I honestly believe that there are many, many kids who would have a better (and happier) life with a 2 year degree, or as hair stylists or carpenters. Our pressure often limits those choices.

Bill

www.moneylaunchmykid.com