Sleeping with the Enemy
I was born a Democrat. Party affiliation was served along with the canned vegetables I was forced to eat for dinner. My first crush was on John Kennedy. I went to Washington to work for George McGovern against Nixon, and in the middle of chemotherapy I put on my wig and took my daughter to meet Bill Clinton and Al Gore. In my blogs on the Huffington Post, my politics are an open book. But I am harboring a secret. And with the election almost upon us, I can't wait much longer to confess.
I've been lucky in my second marriage, despite the fact that I was diagnosed with breast cancer on our first anniversary. My husband handled everything with grace---cancer, my kids, even befriending my ex-husband. But along with all the great things about him came this one little detail: like me, my husband is a product of his background, the flip side of mine. Which means that I married a conservative Republican.
I never signed up for this, of course. I might have been more likely to marry an axe murderer. Although I'm sure some axe murderers have very nice qualities -- as I discovered Republicans did. At least this Republican.
The nice qualities are what allowed me to overlook the Republican issue when V and I got married. I had come out of a marriage to a Democrat, who began voting Republican towards the end of the marriage. I'm not saying it caused our divorce, but it didn't help. So since I'd technically been married to a covert Republican, it didn't seem like a huge leap to marry another one. At least, not at the time.
And in the early years with V, politics wasn't a huge issue. When you're dealing with blended families and a life-threatening illness, party politics doesn't loom large over the marital bed.
Once it was clear I was going to survive cancer, we settled into a Mary Matalin/James Carville kind of life, only less public. V's family and friends were mostly Republicans and knew about my blue blood, but in their presence, I tried to keep my outrage to a low simmer. V's party affiliation was never a problem with my family and friends. They are far more opinionated and vocal, and V can barely get a word in edgewise no matter what we are talking about. If he wore his Republican heart on his sleeve, he would have his sleeve torn off.
So I was blue; he was red; we never became purple. We canceled out each other's votes. And we pretty much avoided intense political discussions. My main strategy consisted of diversionary tactics--inventing errands for V on Election Day, or distracting him so he would forget to go to the polls.
And politics was only one of our differences. He's a WASP; I'm Jewish. He's a morning person; I'm a night owl. I blurt out whatever I'm thinking. V never blurts. He thinks. He is a "still waters run deep" kind of guy. And often I never know what's below those still waters.
Another difference is that he's really low key and I'm more of a drama queen. I might announce as I walk in the door, "Guess what! Something amazing happened! I won 5 dollars in the lottery!" Whereas V is the kind of person who would look up in the middle of dinner and say calmly, "Oh, I forgot to tell you. I won the Nobel prize two days ago."
So it was entirely in keeping with our characters that a few years ago, I opened the mail one day and noticed one of those Democratic party appeals for money. The thing was, the name at the top wasn't my name. It was V's name. Which is how I learned that my Republican husband was now a registered Democrat.
It took me ten years of marriage to lay the groundwork; Bush and Cheney managed to push him over the top, and V cast his first Democratic vote for John Kerry in 2004. We didn't even open a bottle of champagne to mark the occasion. But we have plenty to celebrate. Especially this year. V supported Obama from the beginning. And I get to watch this unbelievable election season unfold while sharing it with a kindred spirit.
We never really had any political screaming matches during the ten years we were on opposite sides, but I think V made his conversion just in time. I'm not sure our marriage could have survived Sarah Palin.
Follow Darryle Pollack on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DarryleP
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Wow, nice to hear someone else in the same boat!
I was baptized a Dem at the age of 18 when my union card carrying dad took me down to register and told me which box to check. My first election was Jimmie Carter's. Over the years I voted for both dems and repubs depending on how I liked them. I tend to be a conservative dem. I later volunteered on a republican friend's campaign on his run for Congress. As a democrat, they jokingly called me a spy at headquarters. So I changed over to Ind so that I could vote in the primaries (couldn't bring myself to go all the way to the right).
When my new hubbie and I tied the knot two years ago, we were both registered independents because we both felt it better reflected our voting styles (for the person, not the party). Well, surprise, he's a HUGE McCain fan and nothing can convince him to think otherwise about his "boy". I'm thinking he woke up one day and took a "stupid pill" and he thinks I'm suddenly a bleeding heart liberal. Well, I can tell you, we have had some hum-dinger arguments around here the last few months, both of us thinking we can influence the other to "come around". My old military veteran husband also thinks the world of Colin Powell.
(I secretly snicker feeling a little vindicated
Have your military veteran check out McCain's grade "D" for his non-support of military vets rights.
Obama got a "B" Biden got a "B+"
Also ask him why military folks are donating to Obama at a ratio of 6 to 1
You can Google these stats.
If nothing else, that may sway him. McCain does not support veterans or our military personnel with his votes!
lovely read.
Ehy, me too, but not for so long. I have to put up with a very few Barack Osama jokes at my in-laws, but not many. And I think I got my wife for Barry. Somewhere between too many lies by the current Republican and McCain looking like Gollum, I think she's safe even after those nasty anti-abortion atacks on him.
Thats was so beautiful! Nice read.Thank you
I too have been sleeping with the enemy for almost 30 years. A Libertarian. But this year , he and his friends (the once well off) who stand to lose from a democratic victory, have also switched camps! Life would be totally boring if you spent each day with someone you totally agreed with on every subject. Life would be The Cone Heads Revisited. We all can learn from each other. Our Left wing friends have no problem asking my husband what to do with their money. It always seems that the more conservative types know about such things. And we liberals, should try and explain the benefits of health care and education to "the enemy." It is all in the packaging. Tolerance gets you everything.
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Seems as if this touched a nerve--at least for some. As for me, I never thought about whether I'd marry a Republican until I happened to meet one who shared most of my own core values. I also know a few other couples like us--but would not put any of us into the Matalin/Carville category. Honestly I find it hard to imagine how they do it.
How they do it? It's by now a publicity gimmick that's worth $$$$. Either that or the chemistry between them is fabulous and has nothing to do with politics. (Define "chemistry" any way you will.)
I could not live with a Repug. I immediately think "greedy." It's awful to admit, but it's about the only bias I have. I don't see color. I celebrate ethnically different backgrounds. It brings more variety to music, food, dance... I find it wonderful. But Repugs are another animal. Their core values are not what they used to be. The word "FAKE" comes to mind and I cannot be in the company of many of them for long.
Oh how I agree, rr52!! Repubs and Dems have a different world view. I hope to think that Democrats are caring, tolerant, people who put other people first. My husband is as liberal as me, I couldn't have it any other way. Good article, Darryle.
Same here. When I meet a republican
My husband's family is wealthy...
I find your story cute and endearing, but please don't compare yourselves to Matilin and Carville.
You dont cuddle up to won of the worst neo-con activists of the last 20 years?
You wouldnt have married "V" if his name was Karl Rove?
Another reason not to bring up Carville is that he sold out the Democratic party to his wife and her employees in 2004.
I encourage you to google it.
I agree....M
Too funny and soooooo judgmental and discriminatory, not to mention closed minded.
I'm a Republican and if I fell in love with a Democrat, I would marry him. Look at Mary Matlin and James Carville..
The problem with the Democrat party today is all the discrimination, the sexism and the anger.
Not marrying someone because their political views, in essence, their philosophy and world view, is diametrically opposed to yours, in no way equates to not marrying someone because of their race or country of origin. Did you read what you typed before posting it?
Of course I read before I posted. If one's political views is the way in which an individual gauges the value of their relationship with that person, then that would be discriminatory and closed minded. It certainly does equate to not marrying someone because one doesn't like their race or country of origin or their religion. When you get down to it, it is all bigotry.
I am more than my political party affiliation. It doesn't all consume me and I am open to others, despite their political affiliation, religion, sex, country of origin, sexual preference, race, etc.
Thank you--that is just what I was thinking. I could never in a million years marry a Repub. A difference of world view--I could Not agree to disagree.
Democratic, not Democrat.
"the discrimination, the sexism and the anger." That's not the Democrats you're talking about LindyLee. We forgive you, but we still wouldn't marry you.
I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone whose politics were opposed to mine. Political affiliation isn't like skin color or even religion -- if you're born into a Republican family, that's no excuse for not making your own decision once you've had an education. And inevitably, a decision on who to vote for is an ethical one.
Do I prioritize my earnings or the good of society? Do I believe in working towards peaceful international solutions or imposing my country's will by force? Do I think owning a gun is worth sacrificing public safety for? Do I really love SUVs enough that it's worth continuing to ruin the planet for future generations?
These decisions are too fundamental. If I have disagreements with someone on issues like these, then they're just not the first face I want to see when I wake up in the morning. Simple as that.
I think my bf is a Repub but he wont admit it. Everytime there is a debate, he scoffs at Obama. He defends Palin every blue moon and I stare at him: "I KNOW you are not defending that evil, racist harpy. She wants us to have KIDS! I dont even think she believes in birth control! Are you crazy?"
He said he was voting Obama "for me". I have a problem with that. I know I should shut my mouth and let him vote Obama but I respect people's personal choices. I told him to vote how he wants to. Im very tolerant, but I do not tolerate him defending Palin. That will not happen under MY roof.
(Im sneaking in my liberal talking points here and there though. hehehehe He's a done deal for the Obama vote, it looks like, but you can never give up on your man :D )
I have a friend who is married to an extremely religious, conservative Repub man who expects her to work 40 hrs. a week and still come home and cook a full dinner and take care of their kids. His views are so unbending that he won't even allow her to finish her higher education. I don't know if being a Repub is the reason he is the way he is, but their insistence that their way is the only way makes for a tense household.
I'm surprised she's lasted as long as she has.
When you make plenty of money, policies don't affect you as much as those of us at the middle and the bottom. Government policies effect those of us in the middle and at the bottom much more than those at the top. So when someone votes Republican it directly affects me...so I would never marry a Repub...be
Don't think that someone who is greedy , allows children to live in poverty and steals from others can't be loving to his wife & kids.
I completely agree. I've never even dated a Republican.
Your article should be entitled "How to Control Your Husband." I gather from your article that you don't think much of his parents and love the fact he is having conflict with his family, considering the alienation to be a victory.
She never said anything about conflict or alienation.
Stop projecting. Although it is understandable that you would feel rejected and alienated as your party has pretty much earned the entire world's disdain and loathing.
What wonderful love story.
You (and your husband) are very lucky people. Long may your joyful union last.
My mother is a Republican, her husband a dem. They agreed years ago to not bother voting because they cancel just each other out. Then it came out that they were BOTH sneaking out to vote. Now they ride to the polls together.
ROFL- That's funny!
That's hilarious!
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