Sleeping with the Enemy
I was born a Democrat. Party affiliation was served along with the canned vegetables I was forced to eat for dinner. My first crush was on John Kennedy. I went to Washington to work for George McGovern against Nixon, and in the middle of chemotherapy I put on my wig and took my daughter to meet Bill Clinton and Al Gore. In my blogs on the Huffington Post, my politics are an open book. But I am harboring a secret. And with the election almost upon us, I can't wait much longer to confess.
I've been lucky in my second marriage, despite the fact that I was diagnosed with breast cancer on our first anniversary. My husband handled everything with grace---cancer, my kids, even befriending my ex-husband. But along with all the great things about him came this one little detail: like me, my husband is a product of his background, the flip side of mine. Which means that I married a conservative Republican.
I never signed up for this, of course. I might have been more likely to marry an axe murderer. Although I'm sure some axe murderers have very nice qualities -- as I discovered Republicans did. At least this Republican.
The nice qualities are what allowed me to overlook the Republican issue when V and I got married. I had come out of a marriage to a Democrat, who began voting Republican towards the end of the marriage. I'm not saying it caused our divorce, but it didn't help. So since I'd technically been married to a covert Republican, it didn't seem like a huge leap to marry another one. At least, not at the time.
And in the early years with V, politics wasn't a huge issue. When you're dealing with blended families and a life-threatening illness, party politics doesn't loom large over the marital bed.
Once it was clear I was going to survive cancer, we settled into a Mary Matalin/James Carville kind of life, only less public. V's family and friends were mostly Republicans and knew about my blue blood, but in their presence, I tried to keep my outrage to a low simmer. V's party affiliation was never a problem with my family and friends. They are far more opinionated and vocal, and V can barely get a word in edgewise no matter what we are talking about. If he wore his Republican heart on his sleeve, he would have his sleeve torn off.
So I was blue; he was red; we never became purple. We canceled out each other's votes. And we pretty much avoided intense political discussions. My main strategy consisted of diversionary tactics--inventing errands for V on Election Day, or distracting him so he would forget to go to the polls.
And politics was only one of our differences. He's a WASP; I'm Jewish. He's a morning person; I'm a night owl. I blurt out whatever I'm thinking. V never blurts. He thinks. He is a "still waters run deep" kind of guy. And often I never know what's below those still waters.
Another difference is that he's really low key and I'm more of a drama queen. I might announce as I walk in the door, "Guess what! Something amazing happened! I won 5 dollars in the lottery!" Whereas V is the kind of person who would look up in the middle of dinner and say calmly, "Oh, I forgot to tell you. I won the Nobel prize two days ago."
So it was entirely in keeping with our characters that a few years ago, I opened the mail one day and noticed one of those Democratic party appeals for money. The thing was, the name at the top wasn't my name. It was V's name. Which is how I learned that my Republican husband was now a registered Democrat.
It took me ten years of marriage to lay the groundwork; Bush and Cheney managed to push him over the top, and V cast his first Democratic vote for John Kerry in 2004. We didn't even open a bottle of champagne to mark the occasion. But we have plenty to celebrate. Especially this year. V supported Obama from the beginning. And I get to watch this unbelievable election season unfold while sharing it with a kindred spirit.
We never really had any political screaming matches during the ten years we were on opposite sides, but I think V made his conversion just in time. I'm not sure our marriage could have survived Sarah Palin.
Follow Darryle Pollack on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DarryleP
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I, too, married "out of my faith", as it were, and it's been interesting, last time around, we avoided discussion of "hot button" topics and agreed on a "time out" signal to avoid saying anying anything irreparable-
This time, I've been unable to keep to our rules of engagement- it's all to important for me to play nice and he's been listening to all sides-I think he's just a hair away from voting FOR Obama, but long since abandoned any thought of supporting McCain (he was wavering when Palin and the "suspension" of the campaign just pushed him over the edge)- He may wind up writing in the name of our state gov... or his dad (a great guy and my mother in law would certainly make the White House hum)
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Guess our home was not the only house divided.
Thank you for your comments-- I enjoyed reading these stories and experiences, and glad for those who, like me, can share this incredible election year with someone who gets it. Sometimes the people who convert end up as the most passionate supporters of the cause.
I have a friend whose husband wrapped up his new Democratic voter registration card and gave it to her as a birthday gift. I think it's a great sign that people can be open-minded enough to change and gives me hope for other misguided people out there.
I think it's great that we can refer to changing our minds and views as "open-minded" and not "flip-flop
I love your story and am very happy that you two came to a meeting of the minds over what policies you support. My family and friends have not been so lucking and it seems to be some tension on the parties. I hope everyone can get passed this, I have to say Obama will be easier to swallow than McCain.
What a great story!
When you wrote, "He is a "still waters run deep" kind of guy", I immediately thought of Barack Obama. I also, thought, man, this guy probably has more in common with the Democrat this year. I was right.
This is an awesome story, I know just who I'm sending it to. Most of my girlfriends are Democrats, married to Republicans, what's up with that? The ol' opposites attract thing, I guess.
BTW, I was also married to a Republican, and I'm pretty sure his views, (and mine), added to the demise of the marriage. So be it, I'll take Bill Clinton, Al Gore, John Kerry, and the incredibly brilliant Barack Obama, over him any day.
Peace!
my husband had noted Dem since JFK -- until 2004 -- when side by side we vote for John Kerry.
This year is the first time in his 63 years he has donated to a campaign. He hasn't hit the phone banks with me, but I think next weekend he might lose his VolunteerVirginity
Bless you! I am married to a Republican who will never change. He's a nice guy, just doesn't think very deeply about things political and hates taxes. But he is kind and considerate. I envy you your happy ending!
DId you ask him at all how he feels about the $700 billion dollar retroactive tax Bush just laid on all of us (and our children and grandchildren?) Because that's what the wall street bail-out is.
Cute story. Thanks! Luckily my second husband is a democrat, because now, so am I. After the way the right wing treated President Clinton, I voted for him in 1996, and for every democrat since.
One easy way to get even with your husband for holding important info for days without telling you, while you blurt out the simplist things that happen to you, is to hold back if you find out something important (not dangerous) he'd want to know. I did it to my husband in an email from his brother, only telling him half its contents and it was so funny when days later, when he finally gets around to reading the email, and I hear him shout (in his version of shouting, which isn't ), why didn't you tell me "such and such"....I loved it. He finally knew how I felt! :-)
So happy my soulmate and husband of 10 years shares all of my same beliefs and views and votes the way I tell him to, lol.
that's funny! but kind of scary! I know people whose husbands fill out the wives' absentee ballots.
Me too. Yikes!
I have interesting conversations being a 3rd party Independent in a family of mostly right-wing blind-as-bats Republicans. Alien replacements is more likely--hey, maybe Mulder and Scully can investigate!
At least my husband, a disabled Vet and moderate conservative, can see the problem with the country. He's said to me he thinks Obama will take the White House. He's not happy with McCain's poor record on Veteran Affairs.
ANYONE is better than McCain, because I can't think of anything worse than McCain getting it and dying, and Sarah Palin "running the Senate" for us. Or worse yet, she might expand her powers to the Judiciary and overturn Roe V. Wade and force all the rape victims in every state to pay for their own rape test kits. Yeah, that's real compassion for the female species from one of their own-NOT.
Say NO to SARAH the animal killer religious robot freak!
I LOVE a happy ending!
I was married to a right wing wacko the first time around, and it was a nightmare. He listened to Rush Limbaugh all of the time, and he was verbally abusive, always referring to me as an educated liberal. He used the word "liberal" as a dirty word. I really felt like less than nothing in that relationship.
I am now married to a brilliant man who might be even more liberal than I am. We have wonderful intellectual conversations which are very stimulating emotionally and otherwise. He is also a Southern bred gentleman and a wonderful step-father. I am truly blessed.
Darryle,
I'm in the exact same boat as you. My husband and his family were all Republicans when I met him. He voted for Bush in 2000, much to my chagrin. His family will be Republicans til the end of time, but I've watched as my husband grew more and more dissatisfied with the Repubs. When I bought my Kerry/Edwards signs and bumper stickers, he declined to put one on his car but said he understood why I put them on mine. He did vote for Kerry though, at least that's what he told me. He's now a fervent Obama supporter, even getting in disagreements with his parents and siblings. I've finally rubbed off on him. It only took 8 yrs.
I enjoyed your article,refreshing and warm and honest.Alm
Oh, this article made me laugh!
My husband and I were buddies in college, going our separate ways after graduation, but staying in touch. When we reconnected and kindled beyond friendship a decade or so later, he turned to me one day fairly early on in our new relationship as I raved on about something a conservative had done and said, "Well, you know, I'm pretty conservati
I promptly said, "No you're not!"
He was just a tad surprised and said (bless the man!), "I'm not?"
I reeled off a list of things I knew he thought were important, like social and economic justice, equality, and human rights, triumphantly concluding that these were liberal values.
He looked at me for a few minutes and said, "Well, you know, I'm pretty liberal...
:-)
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