When Loss Means A Loss For Words

At times of loss, they never seem to be enough; but sometimes words are all we have.

I always feel a mix of pain and poignancy watching young women like Cate Edwards, who have the poise and presence of mind to deliver beautiful eulogies for their mothers.

When my mother died at 41, nothing would come out of my mouth -- other than sobs. I was 18, too shocked and immature to sense, much less express, the magnitude of what this loss would mean for the rest of my life.

And the loss of words goes both ways. Though we had no idea she was dying of cancer, my mother never left behind any words -- written or spoken -- to let her 3 children know what we meant to her.

In her eulogy, Cate explained how her mother tried to do that. And I can only imagine Elizabeth Edwards over the years, trying to write that letter to her children. I'm sure the same woman who wrote two books and thousands of words struggled with the words to say.

My children were the same age as the two youngest Edwards children when I got breast cancer; and for the next few years, I became a bit obsessed trying to send messages from the grave. There were no blogs back then; so I wrote letters and made a few videos, but expressing myself was a major challenge. Even knowing what I would have wanted my own mother to say, even as a writer who never had writer's block in my entire life; when it mattered most, ironically I was at a loss for words.

What words can you possibly find that will fill your children with all you want and need them to know? How do you fill in the gaps of all you will miss? Homework assignments. Soccer games. Back-to-school shopping. Washing dishes. School plays. First dates. Teacher conferences. Driving lessons. College applications. What can you possibly say?

I don't know what happened to the videos; to this day I occasionally find sealed envelopes I hid in drawers. The greatest gift imaginable is that I was there to fill in those gaps myself, to see my children grow up.

Looking back, I know my children would have treasured any messages, no matter what they were; as Cate treasures her mother's words, as I would have treasured mine. The truth is, there are no right ways to express what someone means to us -- and this is a gift we all have to give -- to the people we love. Doing it is as simple as what we tell our children: Use your words.

They will get the message. No matter how it's worded. As I discovered, and I'm sure Elizabeth Edwards knew, you can't find words anyway, for all the tomorrows. None of us know what tomorrow will bring -- but we do have today.

 

Follow Darryle Pollack on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DarryleP

Comments

[VNSNY News]

09:17 PM on 01/02/2011

Vince Corso, a Hospice Spiritual & Bereavement Care Manager for the Visiting Nurse Service of New York, just wrote a piece about losing his father which is an amazing read. Check it out at http://blogs.vnsny.org/2010/12/30/on-being-a-son/.

[Madgew]

10:11 AM on 12/27/2010

Wonderfully said. I think any words written during a period of life when you think you might die and leave children are worth saying. As you live you can write new ones and throw away the old ones. SO important to speak your truth no matter what. As you say it will be appreciated by the children. My best friend of 42 years left two small children (they are now in college) and int he 5 months from diagnosis to death I kept a journal as Kathleen had lots of friends who wanted to know how she was doing. It started by emailing to 8 people and in the end it was going to at least hundred. I bound my musings and gave it to her entire family. One day when her kids are ready they can read about how much their Mom did to stay alive for them. Anyone can help write the letters.

[Darryle Pollack]

04:26 PM on 01/04/2011

What a beautiful thing you did as a friend; and what a treasure for your family. THank you for sharing.