THE BLOG
08/06/2009 09:41 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

A GOPeevish Top-10 List

Supposedly marginalized Republicans are still influencing public policy in a bad way, so they've become emboldened to compile a top-10 list of bad bills to pass if they return to power. As with most things the GOP does, these bills were suggested by Republicans so far to the right that they sit outside the front-passenger door while driving a car.

Here's the loony list of looming legislation:

10. Attach seats to the outside of front-passenger doors so car-driving Republicans who have embraced their mistresses don't have to embrace the pavement, too.

9. No abortions allowed unless the mother is in danger ... of giving birth to a liberal.

8. Future Democratic presidents must produce a birth certificate and a MapQuest printout with a raised seal showing their route out of mommy's tummy.

7. All students throughout America must take a weekly class trip to Texas to kiss the ground the George W. Bush Presidential Center will be built on.

6. The Ten Commandments should be replaced by The Five Deferments to celebrate the Vietnam War avoidance that kept Dick Cheney alive to become vice president.

5. The next time Bill Clinton travels to North Korea to free some prisoners, he must watch the Disneyesque in-flight movie So White and the Heaven Morphs that depicts God's allegedly excited reaction when seeing pale-faced GOP leaders.

4. The last (ital)Harry Potter(ital) film must be rewritten to give the evil Voldemort a talk-radio show leading into Rush Limbaugh's program.

3. Troops coming home from Iraq should be redeployed to occupy Keith Olbermann's house.

2. Waterboarding will be the official drink of the next Olympic Games held in the U.S.

1. When pharmacies put warnings on prescriptions, they must read: "Danger! Do not take this medicine while liberal."

0. America's high unemployment rate will receive the Congressional Medal of Honor for depressing the wages of desperate workers.

-1. Every day other than Labor Day will be declared "Management Day."

Observant readers may have noticed that the GOP's top-10 list actually includes 12 items. Republicans claim this makes them 20% funnier than David Letterman, but the far-right is far-from-right about that.