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A Mindless Meld of "Star Trek" and the New Unemployment Rate

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The U.S. Labor Department announced Friday that 539,000 people lost their jobs last month -- a dreadful total, but not as high as the 600,000-plus axed in March. Here are three reasons why the unemployment increase got slightly less awful:

1. With the Star Trek movie opening nationwide on Friday, several thousand people found jobs impersonating Captain Kirk, Captain Picard, Captain Sisko, Captain Janeway, Captain Archer, and Captain Crunch (renamed Captain Crunched after a Starfleet accident). If you're wondering why the unemployment rate in April was affected by impersonator jobs in May, I have six words for you: "Rift in the space-time continuum"!

2. The release of the film sent me scrambling to find my rotting 1987-1994 videotapes of Star Trek: The Next Generation, my favorite Trek series. I set my TV remote on "stun" to watch all 178 episodes in one day -- which created dozens of jobs for snack-makers, eye doctors, and divorce lawyers. If you're wondering how I watched all 178 episodes in one day, don't forget the transcendent "Inner Light" episode in which Captain Picard lived an entire life in a few minutes.

3. Mr. Spock "died" at the end of Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan in 1982. Dr. Spock died in 1998. Last month, most of America's undertakers gathered to discuss the demise of the half Vulcan and the full Baby and Child Care guy, creating hundreds of jobs for employees in the hospitality industry. If you're wondering why the undertakers waited 11 years to hold their confab, here's my response: "Dammit, Jim, I'm a blogger, not a psychologist!"

In conclusion, I'm waiting for there to be a month in which NO jobs are lost. Memo to Captain Obama: "Make it so."