07/18/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Be an Ex-President Without Being President First!

Former presidents sure do well! Bill Clinton and George W. Bush reportedly raked in $150,000 apiece for their recent joint appearance in Canada. Earlier this year, Bush reportedly got $7 million for a memoir Tolstoy might have titled War and War.

All this money for ex-leaders of the free world -- er, paid world -- could make the average person jealous. But, then again, many Americans wouldn't want to spend eight years in the White House supporting the rich (as Republican presidents do) or supporting the rich (as Democratic presidents do) before cash-in time.

So the goal, I believe, is to become an ex-president without being president first. But how to accomplish that?

Actually, it shouldn't be too hard. Look at the way Bush used his bully pulpit and most of the mainstream media to "sell" a fake connection between Iraq and 9/11. Surely, a person could use those same tools to convince Americans of a REAL connection between not being president and becoming an ex-president.

There's also the Star Trek solution of changing the time-space continuum, but I'm hesitant to recommend that because of the damage it might do to the Obamas' new White House vegetable garden.

What about using mass hypnosis? "You are getting sleepy ... verrry sleepy." Oops, that might describe the state of Huffington Post visitors reading this piece. But if enough Americans do 40% of the Rip Van Winkle thing, they'll snooze right through two White House terms and not realize that someone claiming to be an ex-president never was president.

Come to think of it, Bush might be in that never-was-president category. Don't forget the GOP shenanigans in Florida followed by that Supreme Court decision (2000), and more GOP shenanigans in Ohio (2004). If you didn't hear much about those things, well, most of the mainstream media prefers to cover possible election fraud in Iran and other countries with which the U.S. doesn't have close relations. That approach must be working for newspapers, because readership is soaring! ("All the sarcasm that's fit to post.")

Anyway, let the memoirs and speaking engagements begin!

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