09/02/2010 03:48 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Draft to End All Drafts

If the draft was reinstated, the U.S. would have a harder time fighting unpopular wars like the one currently being waged in Antarctica.

An all-"volunteer" military ("volunteer" as in you better enlist because there are no other jobs in this rotten economy) means only a tiny segment of America is directly affected by wars. Which explains why I mistakenly said we're fighting in Antarctica rather than Afghanistan, though I do worry about Taliban penguins.

Anyway, if Americans of a certain age could all be potentially drafted, suddenly a lot of people would have a vested interest in whether or not the U.S. should be taking on fundamentalist Taliban penguins who hate our freedom and our seafood (since the BP oil spill).

But in the unlikely event that a draft was reinstated, it wouldn't be fair to force anti-war people to fight. So the draft should be limited to hawkish politicians, hawkish corporate execs, hawkish media commentators, and the like. If these people are too old for induction, their children or grandchildren could be drafted instead. After all, we must protect the homeland from radical fundamentalist Taliban penguins.

Of course, most right-wing American bigwigs who are gung-ho for unnecessary wars want nothing to do with fighting them. One priceless example of this was when then-35-year-old conservative pundit Jonah Goldberg said in 2005 that he didn't sign up for the Iraq War he strongly supported because "my family couldn't afford the lost income, I have a baby daughter...." As if military people from poor and working-class backgrounds don't have children and other life situations they have to wrench themselves away from to fight the evil-doing radical fundamentalist Taliban penguins.

So a draft that only targeted hawkish right-wingers could result in most of those potential inductees fleeing to southern Canada (a new "Southern Strategy"?). Or they might race further north to the Arctic, where there are no penguins of any ideology.

All this conservative draft-dodging would make America's military too small to invade/occupy any country -- meaning fewer deaths and more money for U.S. social programs. To which I would say: "mission accomplished!"