02/11/2011 05:24 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Trying to Thwart Change in the 13 Colonies and Egypt

Julian Assange's great-great-great-great-grandmother reportedly released some explosive documents during the Revolutionary War that eerily remind us of President Obama's sad refusal to strongly back Egypt's heroic protesters in 2011.

Juliana Assange's "CandleWicky" papers revealed that when the 13 colonies were about to defeat the Brits, a powerful country by the name of United Status Quo (USQ) urged the colonies to stop fighting. In return, King George would be pushed to resign and replaced by Vice King Nigel -- with elections to quickly follow 500 years later.

Vice King Nigel was just as brutal as King George, but he would continue to do the USQ's bidding. The USQ hoped a cosmetic change (Nigel wore different eyeliner than George) would fool the press and freedom-seeking patriots. One USQ official said those patriots "are adept at networking via their iMuskets" while falsely adding that "they're not quite ready for democracy."

Actually, given how blacks and women and Native Americans and non-rich whites were treated in the 13 colonies, that official may have been right. The Egyptian protesters of 2011 seem a lot more enlightened, and they look so much better without those three-cornered hats.

But I digress. George Washington refused to allow his troops to lay down their arms, and the rest is history. The 13 colonies became the United States of America -- with President Washington soon in charge rather than King George, Vice King Nigel, or Deputy Kings Ed and Chuck.

The USQ of the 1700s eventually disappeared into the dustbin of history, though the USA of 2011 acts much the same way.